Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | November 18, 2011

waiting

Thank you guys for the supportive comments. Waiting sucks. Worrying sucks. It helps so much to have you out there sending positive thoughts our way.

To clarify further and answer some questions:

Here is a picture of the ultrasound photo from Monday.

The crown to rump length is actually .34cm not .5cm like I posted. Based on that measurement the dating is 6w 0d. Based on my LMP, and confirming that with the reasonably high beta of 1300 at 20dpo, I should have been 6w6d. I know it doesn’t seem THAT terribly far off, but its far enough off that there should have been a visible heartbeat.

Yes, my OB did the ultrasound. I switched to her at 20 weeks pregnant with Birdie, so I didn’t have any ultrasounds with her directly before. My RE did the 6 week and 8 week early ultrasounds with Birdie, and their ultrasound machine is awesome and the RE himself did the scan and had no problem finding the heartbeat at just 6 weeks. My OB did transabdominal first and saw the sac but not very clearly, so she switched to transvaginal, and she was very apologetic and not very aggressive with the wand (which on one hand was nice but on the other hand maybe that is why she had trouble?)

Obviously I’ve had dozens of transvaginal ultrasounds and I feel like I know what my uterus and ovaries look like. Nobody has ever had a problem with finding them before. She kept finding my right ovary, which had the big corpus luteum cyst on it. Then she found the left one, and then the uterus. I could definitely see the sac, but it took a while for her to be able to move the wand such to get a clear picture of the fetal pole or yolk sac. It was very blurry. She finally froze the screen and took a measurement. She said she thought she saw a flickering, but it was too small to take a measurement.

I am really really hoping that it is just the limitations of her skills or machine, but really, she should know how to do this, right?  I mean, I wouldn’t expect her to be super skilled like my RE who uses ultrasounds to do egg retrievals, but I am assuming she does this fairly regularly…. Could my uterus be tilted now after the pregnancy and c-section with Birdie, and could that be making it difficult to see clearly? I feel like I am going crazy and grasping for anything that might give me hope.

It was all I could do not to call yesterday and today and beg for a scan early. But then, I realized I don’t want to have another inconclusive scan and have to worry and wait more. Plus, S is gone for work over the weekend and I don’t want to find out bad news and then be alone and have to figure out what to do.

Maybe I will see the heartbeat just fine Monday morning. Or maybe I will be devastated and have to wait to miscarry or decide to have a d&c. S doesn’t get back until Tuesday, and it is a holiday week, so I have no idea how that would work. Or would they wait another week just to make sure it hasn’t grown? Have any of you had to have a d&c for a missed miscarriage? What was it like? How much pain was there?

I thought about calling my old RE’s office and begging them for an ultrasound, but they are no longer covered at all by my insurance, and I don’t even know if they would see me without a referral after this long (2.5 years since graduating with Birdie’s pregnancy). I thought about saying I’m spotting and cramping and trying to get an ultrasound somewhere else, but I’m not spotting or cramping, and I don’t want to say that I am if I’m not.

I am so nauseous still. And ravenous. And exhausted. It really sucks to feel so shitty and be almost convinced that this pregnancy is nonviable.

At the same time, this was a bonus pregnancy, a surprise – a very happy but unexpected surprise. I am already so emotionally invested in this baby though, and I can’t just tell myself oh it won’t be a big deal if this doesn’t work out. It will really suck. But, we do have Birdie, and I feel far less desperate for this to work out than before we had her. She has been so sweet and funny and adorable, especially since we found out, and I know that if it doesn’t work out, I have to pull it together to be there for her.

I have been so torn all week between preparing for the worst and not giving up on this baby. I kind of came to the conclusion that I can wallow in misery for this entire week and then be even more miserable if it is bad news, or I can keep some hope alive and not give up on this baby. Either way, bad news will be awful, but right now, I am still pregnant. I want to try to savor every day that I am still pregnant, regardless of if and how it ends. I bought a little newborn outfit the other day. I keep talking to the baby, willing it to grow strong and perfectly.  There is nothing else I can do. It is completely out of my control.

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Responses

  1. i am REALLY hoping this is a viable pregnancy, i think there’s still plenty of hope that little bean is growing strong and you will see the heartbeat soon. that being said, i had a miscarriage once and it wasn’t terrible, sort of like an extra heavy period, but everyone’s experience is different, som worse, some better. supposedly some people have micarriages and never know it because it’s so early and ends up being so much like a period. anyway, good luck, i’m thinking about you.

  2. Both my miscarriages were missed, miscarriages. Neither time did I have heavy bleeding or cramps that usually accompanies a miscarriage. With both, I had misoprostol (cytex) to induce the miscarriage process. With the first I had to have a D and C after I had passed most of the tissue but there was some remained. It wasn’t nearly as painful as the misoprostol induced miscarriage! I didn’t have cramps or anything. Since your fetus isn’t very big, they may just give you the medication to start the process. For my second, I wasn’t very far along and it was just like a heavier period. Some heavier than normal cramping but fairly bearable. They will give you drugs to help with pain if you need it. I am hoping everything is okay though and you wont need any of this advice!

  3. I am thinking of you every day and hoping for you.

  4. My money’s on viable pregnancy; it’s just either a doctor/equipment issue or a slow starter.

    I did have a d&c for a missed miscarriage once and it was no big deal physically; it was under general anesthesia, no pain that I remember, only some spotting. Not much fun, I gotta say, though.

  5. Thinking of you. Hoping for fantastic news tomorrow. ((HUGS))

  6. Michael’s crl at 6w0d was .34cm as well, and again, the heartbeat was only detected through using more advanced methods on an advanced machine with a skilled tech working the wand. I know and understand why you have a lot of doubt, but there are a lot of reasons to be hopeful here.

    I know you have a lot of anxiety about the next scan and are trying to plan out all the scenarios, but maybe it would be best for you to take a step back and just say to yourself, “I’ll deal with it after the next scan, ” and not think about your options then. I’ve found trying to easy up on myself to have everything prepared ahead of time just makes me more anxious. There is nothing you can do right now that will change anything, so just try to go on with life and deal the negative if it actually comes your way.

    Good luck.

  7. Let’s try that second paragraph again…

    I know you have a lot of anxiety about the next scan and are trying to plan out all the scenarios, but maybe it would be best for you to take a step back and just say to yourself, “I’ll deal with it after the next scan, ” and wait to think about your options then. I’ve found trying to have everything prepared ahead of time just makes me more anxious and have eased up on myself. There is nothing you can do right now that will change anything, so just try to go on with life and deal the negative if it actually comes your way.

  8. Really really hoping for you.

    My OB’s machine really sucks compared to my REs. It’s not anywhere near as clear, and it even measured the baby as being a week behind (even though a day earlier my RE had measured it as being right on track). So the quality of the machine can really make a difference.

    But I’ve also been through loss, and I know that sometimes we have to prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. And I completely understand that. I know if it were me, I’d be freaking out.

    Still, I am hoping for you. Sending positive vibes and wishing for the best (*hugs*)


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