Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | September 12, 2011

no more

I have to get this out. I can’t really talk to anyone in real life about this, and I need to work through this. I am sorry if this is rambling and whiny.

So, last night as I was putting Birdie to sleep, I checked facebook on my droid. I read a very surprising pregnancy announcement and it really really upset me. An older relative (nearly 50) and his younger wife (my age, 37), have a three year old. She had said that she didn’t want to be pregnant again (she had a lot of issues with her previous pregnancy). I figured I didn’t have to worry about them announcing anything. Sure enough, the husband says little johnny (not the real name) is going to be a big brother! From what I can tell, she is like 5 or 6 weeks along. Really? Really? Announcing it that early? On fb no less? Ugh.

I was surprised at how upset I was. I mean, obviously, I am happy for them. I have been happy, truly happy for so many pregnant people in our lives, but this one, this hit me hard. I really do want to try again. I want to be pregnant again, if possible. I want to have a tiny squishy baby to hold. And suddenly, this announcement made me feel desperate. Not quite as desperate as before Birdie, but nearly.

It doesn’t help that there are 5 pregnant women in our neighborhood, and three more who just had their babies. Every time I take Birdie for a walk, I see several of them. I have been able to sort of distract myself from the baby crazy by focusing on needing to sell the old house first, getting settled in the new house, trying to focus on losing weight, and focusing on the good things in my life. It HAD been working.

I got Birdie to sleep and came out of the room in tears. I cried for twenty minutes to S. I was a big snotty teary mess. He was very practical. “Well that has nothing to do with us, why should it bother you?” and “good for them, they will never sleep again and he will never be able to retire”. I told him how badly I want another baby. He said he does not want another one. He loves Birdie and thinks she is great, and that having another kid could only mess things up. It didn’t go very well. He says he knows that he can never understand how strong my desire to be pregnant again is, that he thinks it is hormonal and irrational. I asked him if there is ANY part of him that wants a second baby. He said no, but I think he thinks that if he shows any weakness of stance that I will be more hopeful of him changing his mind.

He tried to be comforting, gave me hugs, rubbed my back. But he kept going back to how one of his friends from work said their second kid was exponentially harder than the first. I said I don’t think that is fair. Who knows what kind of temperament their kids have, and what our baby would have. We shouldn’t make the decision not to have a kid because of someone else’s experience. The friend in question is struggling financially, has had several nervous breakdowns due to stress in the past,  the wife has a learning disability, and from my observation, they do not have great parenting skills.

He asked if I wanted him to remind me about all of the bad things about having a baby. I said sure. They included: you had to take medicines that made you crazy (my response: yes, but that was temporary), you had to inject yourself in the stomach (that was actually kind of fun), you had to get up to pee every hour at night (um, again, temporary and who really cares about peeing at night?), your feet swelled up, you were miserable in labor (yes but I would have a scheduled c-section this time), all your breastfeeding problems (yes but I am far more educated and experienced now), the lack of sleep the first few months (yes, but again, TEMPORARY).

All of the things he could come up with were temporary. The way I see it, Birdie is nearly two and it has gone by in the blink of an eye. In another blink of an eye she will be in kindergarten, then middle school, then college. Time is going by so fast. We are already raising one child. Sure it will be challenging to go through the infant phase again, but it won’t be ten times harder than having one. He really does not want to go through treatments again. I know it was difficult for him. I was a raving bitch most of the time. I’m sure it was stressful to have to produce samples on demand, and keep getting news that his sperm are crappy swimmers. The money spent, the way it took its toll on our intimacy, it all sucked. But again, it was temporary. And we got this amazing, adorable, sweet little girl out of it. I think it was worth it.

There are so many positives in my mind about two kids. More love. More fun. More adventure. More family. One to replace each of us on the planet. One of each of us to hold hands. Clearly more work and more responsibility, but a fuller, richer experience.

Then there comes the feelings of anger. I am finding myself feeling deeply angry at him for denying me something that I desire so badly, something that would be fulfilling and means a lot to me. I feel like I have made sacrifices for him – moving across the country, leaving my career and family and friends to build a life here. I go along with plenty of things that he is interested in but I couldn’t care less about. I am angry that I don’t have a spouse that wants more kids or is indifferent. How can he see me writhing in raw pain, sobbing, and say calmly, “No”.  I feel helpless because I am a stay at home mom and because I don’t contribute financially to the family, I feel like he gets more of a vote than I do. I mean really, what are my options – stay and be tormented by the child I can’t have, or leave and have a kid on my own (I don’t want to leave, and I would have no resources to do that), or wait and see if things change.

I do have SO much to be thankful for. It seems so selfish to want more. Yet I do, and I don’t know how to deal with it. It doesn’t help that I have been the one to push for major life changes. Moving in together, getting married, pursuing fertility treatments. He resisted all of it. He doesn’t like change. Yet every change that he initially resisted has turned out wonderfully.

He was an only child. To him, that is the norm. His parents told him that they wanted to put their energy into him and only him, that is why they did not have another kid. But then, I have heard his dad talk about his mom’s medical problems during the pregnancy with him, and they got divorced when he was young, so their marriage was clearly shaky around the time they would be considering another child. Who knows what the reality was.

Well, I guess I have vented all that I can right now. Maybe I will read this in a few days and realize that I don’t feel as strongly. Please know that I don’t want to have another child against his wishes. I don’t want to “talk him into it”.  I want him to be a willing partner. Even if infertility was not an issue, I would not “trap” him into a surprise. I feel like he is a wonderful partner and an amazing dad, and I really want him to be able to see the positives of another baby instead of focusing on the negatives.

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Responses

  1. Oh sweetie, you are not being selfish in wanting another child. Think of all the millions of people who have second children. Just because you have challenges with IF doesn’t make you more selfish for wanting what everyone else has.

    This is really hard, and I think it’s a really common thing that couples deal with — one having a different vision of family than another. Would you guys consider therapy? Please don’t think in any way that I’m suggesting there’s something wrong in your marriage. It’s more just having an objective person listen and help you communicate about it. I have a friend who was dealing with this exact issue and they went to therapy…through the process the husband came to better understand her motivations for having another, and he’s agreed to try again. Obviously there are no promises that your hubby will come around but certainly think it’s worth a try. Because you’re right, he can’t just sort of patently deny you something like this without it raising some issues, any more than you could force him into having one without stirring up issues.

    FWIW, I’m in the same boat in regard to having another, wanting to be pregnant again so badly and feeling jealous when certain others make announcements. It’s really hard!

  2. We are in the same place, except that I always dreamed of having three children and my husband wants TO BE DONE. Too much money, we’ll need a new car, I am old, it’s too risky, the baby will be handicapped because I am OLD, OLD, OLD. I hate that other women say I want “x” amount of children and then HAVE that amount and it is not some big, drawn out, soul searching battle. I feel like there will be an empty place at our table forever. I also feel like I have less say in it, because I am not working. I don’t know that I am mad, but I am sad to think this could be it. I also feel selfish to want three. I’d be 40, and he is right that it would be riskier. Sometimes he says ok, but just at dinner tonight he said NO. My husband is one of seven, and he is afraid of not having enough money or attention for three children. He grew up dirt floor poor and it is very important to him that our children have what they need.

    I also feel the fear that if I “win” and we have a third and something is wrong with the baby that he will blame me and we will divorce from the stress.

  3. ((HUG)) I hope your dh sees how much it would mean to you and little Birdie in the future to have another child.

  4. This is just sticking with me. I’m thinking of you.

  5. i’m so sorry. i hope you and your husband can resolve you difference in feelings, it must be very hard (my husband and i are the opposite, he would love to have more and i’m pretty sure i’m done).

  6. 😦 so sorry that you have to go through this. it does suck that it is such work for us, but so easy for other people….and that some of them have no concept that 5 weeks is too early to announce a pregnancy. well…who knows. maybe it’s not, but it sure seems like it to me.

    i’m sorry that it seems bleak right now. i’m hoping that you guys can come to an agreement and that you can be happy 🙂

  7. No advice, just right along there with you…DH has no desire for a #2, I am dying inside to do a FET with our 4 frozens. I will hope & pray for us both : )

  8. So sorry hun. I can understand your feelings, and I wish I had advice or words… all I have our virtual (*hugs*) though.

  9. I’m right there with you. DH doesn’t want #2 for all the same reasons yours doesn’t, and I’m craving another little one. Jealous and pointing out all the mothers who have little ones and either already have another baby or are pg again. I mention it to some of the women at work, and they all tell me to “surprise” him. Like that will happen! I think he’s mostly worried about not having the energy to cope with two.
    I’d love a second, and would love K to have the experience of growing up with a sibling. I do have small niggling doubts about how it would take time away from K, or will be more challenging when they fight or have conflicting school or extracurriculars later on. On the other hand, they’ll grow up with a playmate and have

  10. oops!
    family when they grow up. DH and I aren’t the youngest parents, and I wouldn’t want her to be all alone in the world if something were to happen to us.
    We’ve still got 4 frosties. I’ve got an appointment for us at the clinic at the end of the month to get more info on what’s involved in an FET. I don’t think I’d go through a full-on IVF cycle again because I’m darned grateful for what I have, but I would like to use up our frosties in FETs. We’ll see what DH says after the appointment. Part of his hesitation is also what I went through to get and stay pregnant, and then with the breastfeeding struggles. The fact that he’s even willing to go along to talk may mean there’s a chink in his armour.
    Hugs! You’re definitely not alone in how you’re feeling and what you’re dealing with.

  11. Oh wow, I can’t imagine how hard it is. Troy only wanted one ’til we had Davie, now he’s so in love with her he was open to a second. I’d love to have three (assuming we even get a second!) but I don’t think he’d ever be open to that. And even with trying for number 2, I struggle with guilt. I wish I had time to let Davie grow up for a while before trying again. She’s so amazing, she deserves all of me, all of our resources. But then, if anything happened to us, I wouldn’t want her to be alone. It’s hard.


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