Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | January 10, 2011

the inevitable question

It keeps getting asked. By my hairstylist, neighbors, random distant relatives, S’s coworkers and people at the grocery store.

“When are you going to have number two?”

I don’t know how to answer. Well, it’s really none of their business, but I mean I don’t know how to answer it for myself.

Part of me (a small part) wants to go back to fertility treatments right away. Part of me (most of me) is overwhelmed with just Birdie and can’t imagine having another one until she gets a little easier. But, I’m worried about my age. I’m 36. It’s not going to get easier to get pregnant, that’s for sure. Part of me hopes that it might happen against the odds without fertility treatment (our RE threw out 2% when I pressed him for ballpark odds with our morphology and ovulation issues), but that is unlikely. Plus I’m still nursing Birdie a few times a day, trying to fatten her up still. I did get my first postpartum period back around Halloween, but nothing since. I had been hoping that my cycles might regulate after having the baby, but I’m sure my PCOS ovaries are up to no good.

If you ask S, he says never. I don’t know how strongly he means that. I mean he wasn’t completely excited about having kids at all, but now he is completely wrapped around Birdie’s finger. He does all kinds of goofy stuff now that he would never have before. He changes more diapers than I do. He gives her a bath every night. He watches baby signing time and sings all the songs with her. He calls her “my little girl”. He dances with her in random restaurants. He now has talks with his coworkers about poops in the tub. He has completely changed, and he is totally into it.

But it has been hard. The lack of sleep hurts him more than it does me, because he has to go into work and function, even on the bad days. On my bad days, Birdie I can just stay in pajamas and not leave the house. Financially, things are getting tighter. We are going to be moving to our new house in a few months (yay!), and are still trying to sell the old one (boo). Double house payments means no money for fertility treatments. It means moving and painting and cleaning. It would be a bad time to be pregnant. It is a bad time to even talk to S about it.

But, I am starting to get those jealous feelings again when I find out someone (non IF) is pregnant. I do want another baby. I want to be pregnant again. I want Birdie to have a sibling. I also am cherishing this alone time with just Birdie. Would we get another high needs baby who never sleeps and has reflux? Or would we get a chilled out baby to balance it out? Would I have an easy pregnancy or need to be on bed rest with a toddler in the house? Will I even be able to get pregnant again? Will treatments work? Will I get so consumed with the quest for a second baby that I waste valuable time with Birdie? What if we only get to have one? Will that be enough? Am I being greedy? We were so lucky to get to Birdie at all, and I feel bad for even wanting more.

If my age was not an issue, I think I would wait until Birdie is around 3. But my age IS an issue, and it is a big issue. Treatments could take a long time again. It means a higher risk of chromosomal abnormalities.

How do you decide something like this? It seems like other bloggers that had babies around the same time as Birdie are starting to try again. I wish all of you guys luck and speedy success, and I hope that I’m not too terribly far behind you.

 

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Responses

  1. you have to do what is right for you. i can’t imagine another one right now, but that’s me….and i guess i already have two, so it’s a little different. 🙂 talk with S and see what he says. he may surprise you 🙂

  2. Well we started trying when E was 6 months old. Then I discovered all of my issues and then it took us almost 3 years to conceive. So when this one is due E will be 4.

    I’d say maybe bring it up after moving? It does get easier, having a little one at home I mean. Once E started potty training it was so much easier to take her out without having to worry about carrying a bunch of extra things. Plus she could talk by then too.

    I don’t think the wanting another baby goes away though so it’s probably good to talk to your DH about how you feel

    Yeah I hated the “when’s the next one?” question during our two losses and three years of trying. bah!

  3. First, hugs.

    All the questions and feelings you’re wrestling with are hard, yo.

    Our kids are six years apart, which is about three years further than I’d hoped. I wanted to start trying when our daughter was 2.5, but my partner wasn’t ready. (Shortly after she gave birth to our daughter, she changed her mind about having two and wanted to stop entirely. This led to conflict, as you can imagine.) I waited until she was 3.5, then it took me for freaking ever to get/stay pregnant, and our kids are widely spaced. But our world, while turned upside down, is happier than I feared it might be.

    For many (straight with access to sperm) women, it seems like the dream of an ‘oops’ baby comes true for number two or three. I’ll send non-RE-requiring thoughts your way.

    As to your husband’s hesitation and the current worries about money, there’s no easy bandaid for that. I decided to go forward without my partner’s enthusiastic support, and felt very sorry for myself sometimes when I wasn’t getting support. It’s not ideal to ‘go for it’ without full support from your coparent. I’ll also send husband-coming-around thoughts your way.

    As to missing out on good things with Bird while dealing with the possible slings and arrows of TTC #2… it happened to me. I lost perspective sometimes and forgot to be 100% grateful for my first miraculous child. I bet that with proper support, balance, and a friend or two to remind you about said balance, you’ll do great.

    Much heart to you, birds and squirrels!

  4. We are wrestling with it over here too. I could cnp your post and only remove the house part. We are trying, again but it is really academic with PCOS and MF. I am REALLY FREAKING SCARED that we will get another hard pregnancy with bed rest and a c-section and then an insane baby. We almost did not survive Peter. aka Bataan Death March Baybee.

  5. I think that age factor seems to be your biggest driver at the present. I wouldn’t get too hung up on the chromosomal abnormalities issue, that can happen at any age and if it was that big of a deal then the best thing to do would be to just stop now, and you don’t want to do that. But your chances of conceiving do decrease with age, but in a weird way to look at it, fertility treatments will buy you some extra time anyhow (did that come out right? I just mean you actually have more options than a 36yo that isn’t interested in fertility treatments, although a “natural” pregnancy would be ideal).

    I think waiting until after the move would be good for all and it’s that that far in the future. I hope you get some cycles on your own so that you can try for awhile without going back to the clinic. That would be nice.

    I have kinda thought if I were SAHM I would want to have my children closer together because I sometimes it gets boring with just Michael, but with me working I like the idea of spreading out this motherhood thing a good deal and getting several years in between.

    Did I ever tell you the that one of Michael’s daycare teachers had her baby only 2 weeks before me and then got pregnant again (on purpose) when her son was only ~5 months old. She has ovary pain issues and had to go on bed rest almost right away. I have no idea how she handling bed rest with such a young baby. I would not want to be her.

  6. personally i feel like we waited too long all things considered, but… i just couldn’t start sooner. i am worried that we should have started trying again as soon as my periods started because when it comes to endometriosis the best time to start is asap, but i just wasn’t ready. i guess you both have to be ready to try again, but unfortunately our age is a factor. it’s so not fair that men are “fertile” for so much longer!

  7. Our age is seriously a factor (I’m 39 now) so we’ll start trying again this year. Maybe in August? But if I was younger I’d wait. You’re younger than you’re feeling right now. 🙂 Wait ’til the move is over and you all feel settled. Then start bringing it up with the hubby.

  8. It’s a very tough situation with a lot to consider. And you have a lot on your plate at the moment, which makes it harder.

    I hope you come to a decision you’re comfortable with soon.

  9. It’s tough, isn’t it? I wish we didn’t have to think about it so much. I wish it could be a matter of throwing out the birth control when the whim strikes.

    I think your thoughts will evolve. And I think it’s very possible that your husband will be more on board once your house situation is worked out. Men are so concerned with financials and logistics — they don’t run on emotion about wanting another baby like we do.

    Whatever you do, though, PLEASE do not feel guilty for wanting another one. I’m trying to train myself on this too. Most people walking this earth get to think about giving a sibling to their child without it meaning that they’re “greedy.” Why shouldn’t we?

  10. Hi, I hopped over here from Infertile Myrtle. When to start ttc #2 is something that only you can answer, but from reading your post, it sounds like in your heart of hearts, you do want to start. For me, the little pangs that I started feeling when I heard about other pregnancies were a pretty good indicator. Even so, wanting something in the abstract and actually going about doing it are two different things.

    As an aside, I have PCOS, and since I stopped nursing DD completely (May 2010) AF is slowly becoming more regular. I had supply issues and never was able to nurse exclusively, but it must have been enough to keep AF away. Since then, my cycles are slowly moving from 65+ days to closer to “normal.” I actually had a 35 day cycle last month! Anyway, everyone is different, but once you stop nursing, you may see improvement in that department. Before I had my DD, I wasn’t having a period at all.

    Also, my DD had colic and reflux and was a really difficult newborn, so we think that we’re due for an easy baby next time. We later discovered that she had some serious food allergies, which now, have totally changed the way that we feed her. It sounds like your daughter is having some feeding issues. Have you checked for food allergies? I have heard that some children refuse foods that they are allergic to. And, an allergy can develop at anytime. For example, DD used to eat peas without problem. She had an anaplyactic reaction to soy milk and now, she can’t eat peas at all. You might explore food allergies too, if your daughter’s doctor hasn’t already. Or course, if she tolerates yogurt and cheese, then maybe a dairy allergy isn’t the issue. Lactaid? My DD does well on it and tolerates regular yogurt and cheese (but it took awhile). Hope you figure it out soon! Your little girl is darling, by the way!

  11. I’ve been following your blog for a few months now, and really enjoy it. I couldn’t resist commenting today, after reading your last post.

    I am going through the same thing right now, wanting a second baby. My DS is 5 1/2 months old, conceived by IUI and Clomid. I had a great pregnancy and birth, but the first three months were difficult as he had reflux and gas issues (not quite colicky, but close). At times, I’ve been somewhat housebound because of his dislike of car seats, strollers, baby carriers (I’ve tried a bunch) and being bundled up in warm clothes and hats– though things are improving slowly. He is light sleeper when it comes to naps and nighttime, too. He is certainly not an ‘easy’ baby.

    We are exhausted most days, but my DH and I are setting out to try again, as I am 41 (we have unexplained infertility). I’m still waiting to get my period, which isn’t likely to come soon since I’m nursing exclusively.

    Your words echo what I have been thinking and feeling of late. It is quite the balance, this living in the moment while thinking of the future. I don’t ever want to shortchange my son in any way, and yet I can’t deny that I have these feelings of wanting to be pregnant, give birth and enjoy a growing family. They have been there since the day I birthed him.

    Thank you for articulating this whole thing in a way that lets me know that I’m not alone, and offering clarity of thought while navigating along the path of infertility.

  12. I hear you 10000% and I am going through the exact same thing. Everyone at the daycare is pregnant or has other children. I know I’m incredibility lucky, but I never thought I would get the baby desire so badly again. Ugh.

    PCOS Sux.

  13. Try Gymboree for a coat too. I also got H a faux shearling style there that is super cute, definitely warm and less expensive than the LL Bean style. I told you I had a coat addiction!


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