Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | May 9, 2010

this day

This day was so painful for so long. I am so thankful for Birdie today (and every day), but my heart aches for my sisters who have lost babies and/or are still waiting for their babies. I could easily still be there. For my bloggy friends who have new babies this year, happy M day. For my bloggy friends for whom this day makes you want to curl up into a ball and cry, my thoughts are with you, and my hopes are that your wishes will be answered soon.

An acquaintance of ours shared with S several months ago that he and his wife have been trying for some time. She is in her mid thirties. He knows that we did IF treatments and apparently felt okay talking with S about it. The other day, he came up to S and told him they were finally going to find out whose “fault” it is, as in going to get testing done. My heart hurts when I hear it described as “fault”. That is such a dangerous way to think of it, one that sets up the journey with blame and negativity.

S has offered to share our experiences if they want to hear about our journey, to share with them our hard won insider information on who is the best RE, what to insist on and generally some things that might make mucking through the shit hole of infertility a little easier. I hope they reach out. I hope I could be of help. I hope I can tell them some tips, like stay away from this certain lab and this certain doctor and ask THESE questions and don’t waste time half assing treatments. I have no idea what their issues are, but in the end, the treatments are often the same. The pain is the same. The loneliness and isolation are the same.

We ran into them at the grocery store when Birdie was 4 weeks old. I knew, but I didn’t know if she knew that we knew they had been trying. I knew it was probably painful for her to see us with a baby, something she so desperately wants. I wanted to blurt out that it hadn’t been easy for us, that we had a year of treatments and a loss along the way. But I couldn’t say anything there in the laundry soap aisle. I wish there was some secret handshake or symbol that we all knew that could make us feel less alone.

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Responses

  1. I can’t believe your birdie is already 4 months old!
    There is the embroidery floss bracelet in some kind of reddy/scarlet colour that’s supposed to be the “sign” of a fellow infertile, but I can’t say I’ve gone out and bought it or put it on. I just figure I’ll be pretty open about what we went through, and if someone wants to ask me more details, they can feel free. I hope she reaches out to you for support.

  2. 4 months already- wow! Very sweet post. Yeah, the pomegranate bracelet, but I doubt it’s widely enough known (but the more that hop on, the more it would be I suppose) I still haven’t made one though- maybe it’s about time I do. I hope they do reach out- it can be very lonely.

  3. I have been looking for a nice piece of pomagranate jewelry but have not found anything yet. I really hope I can help other infertile people too.

  4. I wore a pomagranate bracelet for awhile, but I have never seen one on anyone else. I’m pretty open about it and try to mention it non nonchalantly when I can… I usually say something like, “We had A LOT of trouble,” and if they ask I will volunteer up more info.

  5. happy mother’s day!! so i can’t believe you’ve been to san chez, it’s my FAVORITE restaurant, has been for like fifteen years, do you live in gr?

  6. i really wish there was some way of just *knowing*. i know it’s totally weird, but i don’t want to be lumped into the same group as those women who it was easy for….like my sister and SIL. i feel different than those women, it took years, many thousands of dollars, chemo, a loss, etc…..i’m not better…..just different. and i’m happy to talk about it when people ask. i’m just not good at volunteering it right now.

    wow. 4 months already? where does the time go????

  7. I like the idea of pomegranate jewelry. I’ll have to look around the web for that!


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