Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | February 5, 2010

i brought her

I brought her and she screamed. She was fine in the car, and fine until we got to the waiting room. After I checked in she started crying. And I started sweating. I took her out of the car seat, tried to soothe her, tried a pacifier, tried rocking her in the car seat, tried bouncing her, walking with her. I had just nursed her before we got in the car to go to the appointment, so I really didn’t think she was hungry. I took her back behind the door into the bathroom and changed her diaper, which was a little wet, but nothing bad.

I was on the verge of tears and I just wanted to stay in the bathroom until she stopped crying, but I had to leave at some point and go back into the waiting room. The only other people in the waiting room were a young couple. I’m assuming she’s pregnant. Why else would the guy be there? She wasn’t showing, so it must be early. I wonder what they thought of me and my screaming bundle of joy.

Finally they called me back. I was juggling her and the car seat and the diaper bag and my purse, trying to kick off my shoes and jacket to get weighed. I’ve lost 20 of the 30 pounds I gained. That sounds decent – just 10 pounds left to lose, right? Well, yes, but I gained 15 pounds during the fertility treatments, so that needs to go as well, and probably another 10 beyond that if I want to get to my “ideal” weight.

Oh, and I finally tried on some pre-pregnancy jeans the other day, and it is not good. Yes I have still been wearing maternity jeans. They are falling off me, but are still so comfy and I was scared to try on my old jeans, because the ten remaining pounds have all settled around my midsection and ass. My always-has-been-flabby belly is even more fantastically mushy. My prepregnancy fat jeans barely go over my hips! Shit! They are a ways away from fitting, and that is not good. In the scheme of things, I cannot complain, since I got  what I wanted, but it is depressing that I am either going to have to keep wearing maternity pants or go buy pants in a new, larger, scary size. Neither option is appealing. Now that I’m cleared to start exercising again, I need to get myself back to the gym and start going in the right direction. I was hoping that breastfeeding would make the weight just melt right off me, but I think I’m eating more than perhaps I need to.

So anyhow, the nurse tells me to undress from the waist down and hands me the paper sheet. I lay Birdie down and awkwardly throw my clothes in a pile on the chair and try to situate myself on the table with a now red faced, angry little baby and a thin paper sheet that has already torn in two places from her thrashing her legs about. At this point, I’m wishing I had left her with MIL. I hate that I am so nervous and not confident in my skills as a mom. What am I doing wrong? I don’t think Birdie is all that difficult of a baby. She just picks the most inopportune times to throw a shit fit, and I get all stressed out and want to cry myself. It really is like a ticking time bomb.

The nurse came back in and asked if I wanted some help with the baby. She was very nice about it and said “Oh we love to see babies up front. I’ll just take her for a little bit and bring her right back.” Of course, Birdie quieted right down, which I was mostly grateful for, but it sort of made me feel more like shit because clearly I am incompetent and don’t deserve a baby.

The doctor came in and we discussed breastfeeding and medications  and she checked my incision. She wrote me a prescription for Reglan for my supply problems. I haven’t really posted much about it, but I am having a hard time keeping up with Birdie the past several weeks. I am feeding her all the time (sometimes every hour), drinking a shit ton of water, and pumping and not getting much at all. I started taking fenugreek two days ago, but since I was there, I asked her and she recommended Reglan. Does anyone have any experience with it? Or with fenugreek?

The nurse brought Birdie back in and the doctor did the fastest, most painless pap smear ever. It was really the first time I’ve had a pelvic exam with her, because I switched to her at 20 weeks during the pregnancy. The only thing she had done down there before had been a dilation check at my last pregnancy office appointment and then a few times at the hospital before it was apparent that a c-section was needed. She is fast and gentle. Much better than my old OB (who happened to be male).

Of course, Birdie started fussing on the way out, and cried at all the stoplights on the way home. Is it just my luck? Am I just an idiot with babies? When she cries, it just physically hurts me and puts me into a state of panic. It is especially more so in public.

My sister is coming to visit for the next 5 days! I am so happy to have one of MY people around to help and hang out with. It has been so hard, not having any family or close friends nearby during this time. After my sister leaves, my aunt is coming. And then in March perhaps, my mom.

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Responses

  1. I’m sorry little girl cried during the exam and visit but know that they probably see this ALL THE TIME so as embarrassing as it was for you, they’re used to it, and it has no bearing on your mothering abilities!

    I also have PCOS and am worried about potential upcoming supply issues I may have as a result. My doctors refuse to take me seriously on this and say there are no definite studies even though I got a lot of oinformation on this topic from your website many months ago (I think it was your website). Anyways- I thought you were on Met throughout the pregnancy? I had read that helps with supply?

    BTW- I just watched an amazing DVD by Dr. Harvey Karp “The Happiest Baby on the Block” about soothing a newborn from birth to three months. Everyone I know who has used his methods swears by it. I got mine from my local library. You might want to read that for tips on how to soothe Birdie!

    I really hope the fenugreek and the meds help you with your supply and hang in there with the baby you’re doing fine!

  2. In my child development class the other day, the teacher was talking about this as a phenomenon, where babies will behave perfectly with everyone else yet quite often, totally throw a fit with their primary caretaker, and how insecure that can make new mothers.

    But the teacher told us it’s natural, and reminded us to think about how we ourselves behave even as adults: we’re usually polite and well-behaved with strangers, never making much of a fuss… but then we’ll go home and complain dramatically and loudly about our horrible day to those we love most of all (our husbands, for instance). In essence, we save our worst behavior for those we trust and depend on most of all, and who we believe will soothe our worries… and our babies do the same.

    I thought that was a helpful way of viewing the issue. Hopefully for you, too. 🙂

  3. Your little Birdie is just like my little peanut. Trust me…I have been in your shoes more time than I can count. If I don’t have to take her out in public when I go out it’s a very good thing. Hate taht it is that way but just too hard on both of us.

    HOWEVER… a good friend of mine told me about this awesome stuff called Geranium Oil…I was willing to try anything so ordered it online and you puta drop or two on a cotton ball nd put it by your air vents in the car or stick it in the car seat somewhere not right on her….Believe it or not…after trying EVERYTHING else she now enjoys her carseat and going out with me and even shopping. Whata true blessing it is. need to buy it by the gallons…lol

    Hang in there, you will have these moments of doubt but you are doing great and she loves you throug it all. I promise.

  4. Bied, today I will forward you an email I have with suggestions for improving your supply, as well as a recipe for lactation cookies.

  5. I misspelled Bird. Stupid carpel tunnel.

  6. Hey Birds, coming up for breath here.

    I’ve been at this for all of 2 seconds, but hopefully your supply issues aren’t as bad as you think. Even when those boobs feel deflated there is still a lot in there… the kid cluster fed for 6 hours last night and my boobs felt like empty squishy bags after the ~1.5 hours, but I know he was still getting something even at the end. Hopefully a little extra TLC and the meds will do the trick.

  7. Also, I’ve read that oatmeal can be a natural galactogogue. Having a bowl for breakfast is an easy move that might just help.

  8. Okay, so the fussing, let me just say that yes, it is probably you–MEANING babies pick up on nervousness, so if you were feeling anxiety, then the baby was probably picking up on that. I learned that with my first. Finally I figured out if I consciously calm myself down, then he would calm down. Now with this baby I found out the same thing. I was driving and he was fast asleep, then I got pulled over and the minute I started feeling ‘anxious’ he started crying. Anyways, worth a shot, right?
    As for the jeans…yeah, I’ve been living in my yoga pants. Each time, it’s taken me almost a year to get back into my jeans, but with some work, you’ll get there (me too) My tummy is so flabby, but yes, it’ll go away
    I hope the meds help with the supply. How frustrating!
    Hang in there mama! You’re doing a great job!
    *hugs*

  9. Fussy babies are expected, and I’m sure they’ve seen more women in your shoes than you’d ever guess. You’re not a bad Mom! But I’m sorry the whole experience was stressful for you. Hope things go better next ime you take her out.

  10. It’s totally normal for a six-week-old baby to cry for no real good reason. It’s her only way of communicating with the world. I’m sure the doctor’s staff sees it all the time. Give your daughter another six weeks and she’ll be all smiles and coos when she encounters the doctor or whoever.

  11. It’s hard to listen to your babe cry, especially when there’s not much you feel you can do. But it sounds like everything is going really well–losing that weight must have been hard (it’s hard for me anyway!), and you are a good mama: when I was a baby, I used to make noise at the quiet restaurant and stay quiet at the boisterous one. Sometimes it’s just a matter of stimulation.

  12. giiiiiiiiirl! i’m still not wearing some of the clothes that i wore prepregnancy! and i’m 4 months postpartum. some stuff seems big, others i can’t even zip up. i miss the maternity clothes! i’m starting to curse myself for packing it all away.

    i was waiting to comment to see if other people had ideas for supply….perhaps you’ll share what celia recommended??

    i was on reglan for 2 wks and had NO increase in supply at all. 😦 i had high hopes, too. i’m on fenugreek now and have not really noticed anything, but am not sure i’m really taking enough. i eat oatmeal every day. try to drink a lot of water…. not sure what else to do. give me YOUR ideas 🙂

    seriously, little babies cry. it’s not you. it gets better!!
    xoxo


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