Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | December 22, 2009

fears

In less than 12 hours we will be going to the hospital to be induced. I did get some sleep last night (thank you tylenol pm!) instead of staying up worrying and thinking like I did the night before. Family and friends keep asking me “How do you feel? Are you excited?” I’m certainly excited, but I’m more nervous right now. Since it might help to just acknowledge my fears, here they are.

Fears –

1. Pooping on the table. Yes, I know it’s a common, totally normal biological process, but I’m still mortified by it. I have agonized about what to eat today in the even that it ends up on the table for all to see (and smell). I’m trying to stick to easily digestible food. I’ve made S promise that he will not tell me if I do poo during pushing and if he ever even THINKS about teasing me about it in the future, he will seriously, seriously regret it. For those of you who are also worried about it, go read this post about pooping during labor at the wonderful blog Nursing Birth.

2. Vomiting uncontrollably. Until about a year ago, I didn’t know that it’s fairly common to vomit when you are in labor. Our friends had a baby last January, and I was horrified when I heard that she threw up with each contraction toward the end. I HATE vomiting. I know that no one likes it, but I have a certifiable fear of it and I fight it and fight it and get so worked up about it that I panic. I can only hope that it will be the least of my worries compared to having the pain and pressure of an 8 or so pound baby coming out my vagina. This Nursing Birth blog post helped as well: The Good, The Bad, and The Icky on Vomiting in Labor.

3. Losing control and being a “bad” patient. I’m a people pleaser and a perfectionist. I like to do everything right. But I know that I will probably be reduced to a blubbering, snotty, begging, complaining, cursing, whiny mess in the next 24-36 hours, and it scares me to realize that there is nothing I can do about it. I’m probably not going to be able to maintain a yoga zen peaceful meditative state during this process, and it is not going to be pretty. I’m afraid of my husband, my doula, my nurses and doctors seeing me at my most vulnerable and out of control, and that I will look like an idiot.

4. That something bad will happen to the baby. That she will get stuck, have shoulder dystocia, be deprived of oxygen or otherwise harmed while going through my fucked up tailbone/pelvis.

5. That I will be damaged during the birth process. If I break my fucking tailbone again, I’m going to be pissed. I’m terrified of getting a very bad tear from this potentially big baby with a very large head.

6. That I will labor for a very long, painful time, and will then end up with a c section and a doubly painful recovery. Obviously it would be so much better to have an uncomplicated vaginal delivery, but the only way to know if this baby will fit through my fucked up pelvis is to try. At what point will my doctor make the decision that she won’t fit? I’m sure it will be after much time and pain. I need to get over this, since it is not something I can do a damn thing about.

7. That I’ll get a horrible spinal headache if I get an epidural.

8. Just of being exposed and of everyone seeing every part of me. You’d think that after a year of RE appointments, dates with the dildo cam, a million pelvic exams, an HSG, and a bunch of IUIs, I would be immune to feeling naked. But with pregnancy, you surprisingly don’t have very many invasive exams. The first two ultrasounds were transvaginal, and I’ve had maybe two pelvic exams and then the swab for group B strep, but most of the appointments have been clothes-on.

9. Having to stay in the hospital for several days. I hate hospitals. Being away from home and my cats is going to be sad. I know I’ll be fine, and it’s not worth worrying about, but I’m afraid I’ll have forgotten some important thing at home.

10. Having a c section and S not being able to handle being in the room for the operation. He is very squeamish, and I would not be surprised if he can’t deal or if he passes out. This is one of the big reasons I wanted a doula.

11. How my cats will react to us bringing the baby home. My cats are my babies, and one of them is particularly attached to me and has lots of health problems. He will, at best, be not very happy for a while. At worst, his health could go downhill. I plan to make time for him and stay very aware of his health issues, so hopefully this will not be a huge problem.

I guess that’s plenty for now. I won’t even go into my fears about being a good mother, being able to breastfeed, and how this change our marriage. Gosh, I sound so negative, and I don’t mean to! We have wanted and waited for this baby for so long, and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful AT ALL. It’s just weird to be sitting on the couch with S, for the last time just the two of us. Things are about to change, in a wonderful way, but also a very big way. I really can’t wait to meet our baby. I’m just scared about not knowing what to expect during the process.

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Responses

  1. ((((Hugs))))

    I don’t think I can say anything that can help right now, but I know that you will get through this. Things may not go perfect, but in the end, you will have Baby Bird, and you won’t care about what happened leading up to her birth after you get her in your arms. I’m sure it won’t be easy, but you’re ready for this.

    Merry Christmas!

  2. I read all your worries and I could completely relate to them, but I will tell you that, at least for me (and many, many people I’ve talked to) most of the worries go away and become nonissues once you are actually in labor and in the process. I know for you that your baby’s health is of utmost importance and the end result is what is most important, so no matter what is thrown at you, you (and S) will make it through with flying colors. And as far as begin naked in front of people– I have always been nervous about this– honestly (aside from the spinal) that was my BIGGEST worry. But you go into complete autopilot and that becomes the LEAST of your worries when you’re about to bring life into the world. 🙂 I’m just so excited for you. I hope and pray that everything goes smoothly and in just a little bit of time you will have the BEST early Christmas present. BEST OF LUCK!!!!

  3. Yep, I share the same fears (10 more weeks for me) and I wish I had some words of wisdom for you! But I’m sure things will go very well for you in the end, and I look forward to hearing all about it after the fact! Just think–Baby Bird will be here soon!! BEST wishes for a safe and healthy delivery–I’ll be crossing my fingers for you!!

  4. Best wishes for you tommorrow for your induction! Congrats early!!

  5. you can do this! your body was made to do this! and at the end of all the pain and possible grossness, you will hold your beautiful little miracle. wishing you all the best!

  6. Thinking of you and sending hugs and peace your way!! Can’t wait to hear all about your beautiful little one!!

  7. I had a lot of the same worries, but honestly the whole process wasn’t that bad 🙂

    Good luck tomorrow! You will do great!

  8. Good luck!
    If you do end up in a C/S, all your DH will have to do is cower behind the blue drape, hold your hand, and stare into your eyes. After that, you should have your cute little baby to distract him from whatever’s going on on the other side.
    You’ve got probably a 1 in 400 chance of getting a headache from an epidural, so don’t let that scare you off getting one if you need one! If it happens, it happens. And you can take pain meds, or eventually get an epidural blood patch to fix the problem if the pain meds don’t help.
    I hope you get through it all without surgery and without worrying about the vomiting or pooping! Just remember, everyone will have seen it all thousands of times before. Not a big deal from the other side!

  9. (*hugs*) and best wishes!

  10. yeah, those are most of my fears too. I am certain you will be so overjoyed by your baby that it will all fade away. Try and focus on that.

  11. Hi! I’m officially delurking. I stumbled across your blog from someone else’s (can’t remember who) and have loved reading about your journey. I’m am currently 25 weeks pregnant with my first. Your list of fears almost matches mine! It is so nice to know that other women have the same fears as I do. Good luck today I know you will do great! Here’s to an awesome labor and delivery!
    ~Alicia

  12. All your fears are totally normal and understandable but you can so totally do this. I like to think us IF’ers are even more prepared for the rigors of childbirth given everything we’ve gone through, versus just walking up to the hospital for your first-ever procedure along these lines. I’ve never delivered a baby either but something tells me that it’s going to be one of those things (for both of us) that turns out a lot easier than what we’ve built up in our minds. I will be thinking of you! Can’t wait to hear your good news. All my best wishes.

  13. I share each one of your fears so this must mean the feelings are normal (phew). good luck to you. I hope you will have a happy and healthy baby and as easy a labor as possible!!!

  14. […] fears part 2 Before I forget the whole birth experience completely, I thought I would revisit the fears that I had before the birth. […]


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