Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | October 30, 2009

more family drama

*edited to remove some harsh words*

A while ago, S and I decided that we were not going to be discussing names with people. We didn’t want lots of “helpful” input on the decision. It’s one of the few things that we actually have control over, since so many things were out of our control during the whole infertility process. Plus, if you share your name, you risk someone else stealing it. We all know of someone who took someone else’s favorite baby name. We figured that it would be tough, but we’d keep things to ourselves when we decided on a name.

Now, it has been tough, with close family members especially. The whole “we haven’t decided” response doesn’t go over well with parents and siblings. They want to know names you are considering. We eventually started telling people that it will be a surprise. Before we decided not to share with people, I mentioned to a very close aunt of mine just two of the names we both really like, knowing and trusting her not to tell anyone else. She is not a gossiper and has always been pretty supportive. She was one of the few people we shared our infertility journey with.

Now here comes the drama. My cousin (her son) and his girlfriend are expecting a surprise baby. She already has two kids from a previous relationship. She is 18 weeks pregnant now, and they just found out they are having a girl.

A few days ago, I get a text from the aunt asking how high up on our list is the certain name, because that’s what her son and the girlfriend like for their baby. Reluctantly (because we aren’t telling people), I wrote back saying that it’s way high up on the list and is S’s favorite. My cousin sends out an email to the entire family the next day announcing the pregnancy (they had kept is a secret until now from the rest of my family), and announcing that it’s a girl and that her name will be XXXXXX, which is THE NAME that my aunt knows is our favorite!

She’s only 18 weeks! She can’t call dibs on that name when I’m due months and months before her! Now by them announcing the name to the whole family, I am going to look like the asshole when we name our baby that. What the fuck do we do?

I don’t think that my aunt spilled our name. According to her, her son and gf liked the name and my aunt told them “oh you might want to wait, Birds and S are strongly considering that name.” This was weeks before they knew what they were having. The girlfriend (who has been kind of a bitch in the past already) said something to the effect of “well they better not use that name because that is what we are going to use if it’s a girl”. They KNEW it was  likely our choice for the baby’s name and they did this. That makes me want to still use the name. You CANT do that. You cannot call dibs on a name that you know someone else who is having their baby four months before you is likely choosing.

Now I’m almost wishing that we had shared our names early on so that everyone would know we were considering this name. But then you run the risk of someone stealing it blatantly anyway. And I’ll admit, I am a bit annoyed that they got pregnant with an accident and it took us a shit ton of time, energy and money to get here. We fought and fought for this baby, and we may not get to have another one, and why should we have to change to a backup name because they have “claimed” the name this early? I feel a bit betrayed by my cousin, who really has been like a brother to me in the past. What is he thinking?

Do I even care what our family thinks? Some might think that WE stole the name because we had been so quiet about names. No one knows about this passive aggressive move that my cousin and gf are pulling by “announcing” the baby’s name when she is barely 4 months along. They might well change their mind. Or maybe the ultrasound tech was mistaken and it really is a boy. Who knows what will happen in the next 5 months.

Is it even a big deal if we choose the same name? Honestly, we live across the country from each other and might see them once a year. Do S and I care if we look like assholes? Am I being ridiculous?

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Responses

  1. Use the name you guys picked out.

    if they have a problem, they have plenty of time to pick something else.

  2. Agreed. Use the name and don’t stress about it. Act like the whole thing does not even bother you.

    My cousin had her baby boy in May and named him Henry. We picked this name out 3 years ago. I panicked. Then I realized. Whatever…I really don’t care. And like you, they live in another part of the country.

  3. Name your baby what you want to name her. They can both be ‘rose’ and they will be totally unique.

  4. Use the name. They will either pitch a hissy fit, or get over it.

  5. I agree with everyone else. Use the name. Either they will change their choice or not. If not, the girls will probably get a kick out of it growing up.

  6. I’d be livid too! It isn’t fair what they did, and pretty jerky after you told them you were interested in that name. I say use it and, if it were me (cause I like to stir the pot and make big deals and not let people get away with that shit), I would tell people the whole story about how they mentioned the fact the those two were planning on using that nave too and that you told them that it was a favorite name and then presumably tried to call dibs by announcing that they were using it so early. So basically I would try to reveal them for the jerks that they are. Yes, I’m one for conflict.

    So do use the name if you still want to and if someone tries to act like you have committed the foul, don’t take it. Of course if no one says anything about it you don’t need to mention what they did b/c maybe it won’t be a big deal.

  7. I’d just use the name I loved, and tough luck to them. You can tell everyone you’d picked it out early on in your pregnancy if they question what you’re doing, but I don’t think it’s necessary. Only half of your new married family knows them anyhow, and if you rarely see them, so what? You’d feel even worse if you didn’t name your kid that name, and then they changed their minds.
    You’re first to have the kid, take the name. They can do what they want later on.

  8. Do it. She got fair warning. DO IT.

  9. Hello. Sorry to hear you have to deal with all the family drama. Just remember at the end of the day to think about you and your soon family to be 🙂 That will shut out all the outside stuff and keep you smiling 🙂

    I am loving being a Mommy and she blessed up 3 weeks earlier than expected. I was thankful to hear she was healthy and has passed all her health screenings and all that good stuff. She is tiny but that is ok by me. I was soooo sick the last 5 weeks they were going to induce me two days later from the day she decided on her own she was ready to bless us on her own. Thank goodness. She gave me an easy delivery and it was just so amazing.

    You will know what allthis wonderful stuff feels like soon. Hope all continues to go well and look forward to hearing all about the grand entrance 🙂

    Just try to enjoy the pregnancy as much as possible because you will treasure every moment when you look back on it years down the road.

    When is your actual due date?

    Take care and hang in there.

  10. Seriously, you take the name YOU want for your little Princess and let them just deal.Crazy for them to be announcing that stuff anyway considering they are only 18 weeks along.

    Do what you two want and what you would like for your daughter. They can deal with it however they like and that is that.

    Ugh some people, that is just so wrong.

  11. so. i think that you should just use the name. if they really want to use it, too…who cares? you’ll still be first 🙂 it’s more important for you to be happy, you know?

    xoxo

  12. i forgot to say:

    why do families do shit like this, you know? i mean, really!!!

  13. I am still thinking about this. You should use the name because that woman is TRYING on purpose to be a troll. So consider yourself an instrument of karma. Do it.

  14. I would say go for it, I mean in many families there are often many cousins with the same name… I have like 5 cousins names William on my mother’s side.

    It’s really crap that she would do this, but try not to let it get to you… she’s miles away, your baby is due first, and you could remind people of this and that you had been strongly favoring it if you do pick it.

    And you know, things do happen. Sometimes the baby isn’t the sex the tech thought, sometimes the baby gets there and people decided last minute to change the name because the old one doesn’t “fit”, etc… lots of time for something to happen. But even if it doesn’t, I don’t think you should have to feel bad and worry about what other people will think.

  15. Okay, I don’t know how I missed this post the other day but I’m just reading it now and became LIVID for you as I caught up on the story. That cousin and his girlfriend are just so lame and tacky. I couldn’t agree more with the other commenters — use the name you want to use, without regard for them. The fact is that you know you picked it first and that’s all that matters. But I also would, if you’re pressed on it at all, share with other family members in a very calm and unemotional way the facts of how it unfolded with your aunt. They should be exposed for their tacky behavior!

  16. I don’t normally comment, just stalk 😉 but I felt compelled to comment!

    My mom’s cousin (they were pretty close) took her name that she wanted to use for my brother, and my mom was pretty pissed. Fast forward 27 years and my mom and her cousin don’t talk anymore. Not because of the name thing just moves and distance. My mom could have named my brother the same name. I don’t think my bro and him have even met before.

    There may be an initial shock to y’all naming her the same name, but if it is your favorite name, DON’T LET IT SWAY YOU. This is your daughter and the name that she will be called for the rest of her life.

    Good luck with dealing with the family. I agree with the previous post. Stay calm (I know it’s hard with those pregnancy hormones) when telling your family what REALLY happened and it will all work out!!

  17. […] announced her name, which we had kept somewhat secret up until then. For those that remember the name fiasco, we did end up sticking with the name we liked originally, which is a very very slight variation of […]


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