Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | August 16, 2009

due date

Tomorrow would have been the due date for my first pregnancy, which I miscarried last December. I wrote it in my calendar, way back then, when I got the positive home pregnancy test and before the crappy betas. I’m sitting here, feeling some thumps and kicks, and realizing how lucky I am to be pregnant on this day. I’m sad, of course, but it would be much much harder if this pregnancy had not stuck either.

I’m remembering the joy and happiness I felt when I got that positive, as well as the sadness and fear of waiting for the second beta, knowing it was too good to be true. Waiting to miscarry a week later when my husband was out of town on a business trip. Feeling stupid for believing it could have been true. Feeling thankful that we got a positive, even if it ended badly, because it meant that I did ovulate, sperm did fertilize egg, and implantation took place. Wondering if I would ever be able to get pregnant again. My heart breaking with each combined Christmas card and pregnancy announcement we received in the mail (we got many of those). The indignation I felt when my RE referred to the miscarriage as simply a “fertilization event”.

My friend, who told me she was pregnant right after I told her about the miscarriage, is due next week. Every time I talk to her, I have this odd feeling that I’m behind. I should be ahead of her. When she complains to me about being so huge and uncomfortable, and when she tells me things like “in a few months you’ll know what I mean”, it makes me incredibly sad. Clearly she has forgotten. So has everyone else. At the same time, I am so thankful to be pregnant now and for exactly where I am.

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Responses

  1. Oh, I’m sorry Birds. You are lucky, but you’ve been through some tough, sucky, crap that shouldn’t be forgotten or marginalized just because you’re pregnant now. ((Hugs))

  2. I totall get this post. Sept 3rd was supposed to be my first baby’s 2nd birthday. I’m still without a baby to hold. And my younger brother’s third is due that very day this year. Should be lots of fun. I just hope this current pregnancy has had a great NT scan and I’m confident things are going well by the time my niece is born, because I might just have to go nuts otherwise!

  3. My loss is linked in my mind forever with my friends son. We were pregnant for a very short amount of time together. She was six or seven months ahead of me. Whenever I see her son I think that we should have one about six months younger. He is darling and precious, and I wish I did not look at him and subtract six months imagining the baby that isn’t.

    I was pretty freaked out when it happened again. I am in the beginning of pregnancy and she is at the end. It is just so odd.

    This baby is due almost exactly four years after we started trying and right around the anniversary of our miscarriage. I have hated March for years now, I am hoping this baby will cure that.

  4. Oh hun, big hugs.

    Remembering with you.

  5. 😦 i know what you mean. i had the same due date as one of my friends. that was her first baby. now she is pregnant with #3. an “oopsie” baby of course.

    but you ARE pregnant now. and going through all that you have gone through will just make you stronger and a better mommy!!

    xoxo

  6. I’m so sorry. What a tough day this must be for you. Even if your friend and the other IRL people in your life don’t remember or “get” it, you know we all do.

    Take care.

  7. It’s hard. I’ve been past 3 due dates with no babies and have a 4th one coming up next week.

    I haven’t been thinking about it as much this time–maybe because I’m 17 weeks now and optimistic that the 5th due date will bring baby–but its still been on my mind some. Two friends were due at the same time as the first due date, another friend at the same time as the second due date, and a third friend announced her pregnancy on my third due date.

    And if anyone remembered that those dates were important to me too, no one said anything. I felt very much alone.

  8. Wow, I can’t believe she told you she was pregnant just a week after you miscarried. Wow.

    Sending hugs and congrats your way!


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