Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | August 7, 2009

20 weeks

What a strange feeling. 20 weeks! The halfway point. 4-5 weeks until potential viability. This last week went by pretty quickly, which is great. Last night I felt some definite movement. Several thumps right under my belly button. I haven’t felt much today though. Sometimes I feel like I’m imagining this entire pregnancy. Sometimes I have to pull out ultrasound pictures to remind myself that yes, there is something in there, you haven’t just made this all up.

We are getting close to the anatomy scan.Β  4 more days. I can’t wait to find out if everything is okay with the baby. I’m also excited about finding out if it is a boy or a girl. At first, I didn’t really want to find out, but S did. I have since decided that I do want to know, so if possible, we will find out on Tuesday. People keep asking me what I want, and I’m getting so sick of saying that I don’t care. I just want it to be healthy. I will be thrilled if it’s a boy, and I will be thrilled if it’s a girl. I just want a real live healthy baby in December.

My mom has made it very clear that she wants this baby to be a girl. All she can talk about is girl clothes and girl names and girl things and pink this and pink that. She has actually bought a couple of dresses in the 12-18 month size. I lost it the other night, talking to her on the phone. I said “First of all, since you want it to be girl so badly, I can assure you that it is probably a boy. And second, we are really fucking lucky that I’m even pregnant in the first place. I could easily still be stuck doing fertility treatments or on a break saving up money for IVF. It is totally ungrateful to be giving a shit either way what sex it is. I’m tired of talking about it. Move on.”Β  Maybe that will shut her up for a while.

I know she is just excited, but it pisses me off that if it is a boy, she will probably be disappointed and treat him differently than she would have treated a girl. She has a tendency to play favorites, and that is such a shitty feeling, when you figure out that you are not the favorite anymore. Then suddenly you are. Then you aren’t. It brings up a lot of concerns that I have about being a good parent myself. I know she did the best she could, but my entire family is nuts. I want to protect my child from the craziness. I worry that the craziness will ooze from me uncontrollably, despite my determination to be a very different parent than my own parents and extended family.

I also just realized that I really don’t know a damn thing about infants. I have tons of experience with 2-5 year olds, but infants and toddlers, no. I guess it might be time to start buying some books about actual parenting and how to take care of an infant. I still haven’t looked into childbirth classes, even though at 12 weeks the intake nurse told me to sign up soon. See, I’m already a bad parent!

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Responses

  1. Oh, yeah, I can totally relate to having a crazy mom and being worried that I might end up acting just as crazy and awful to my kids and playing favorites and all that crap again.

    I personally think I may not share the gender with the family for a little while so that only DH and I (and the internet) know. I don’t know that I like sharing my pregnancy with others, and maybe I can keep that for myself for a little while.

    Congrats on the movement! It’s great that you are feeling it already! And you’re so close to that anatomy scan. Hope you get a good visit with your little one.

  2. I always worry about that too! My family is certifiable, and I don’t want the crazy to accidentally come out.

    I’m very excited for you anatomy scan!! We decided that we weren’t going to find out, but I think it’s nice to know. I wish I would have been able to find out now. I think it would feel more real if I could attach a gender to it.

  3. Congrats on hitting the halfway point! That is awesome!

  4. Wow, your post and the comments make me feel somewhat normal for having a crazy mom and wanting not to pass that onto your baby. My mother the other day swore that if she put her head on my stomach, she would be able to hear the heartbeat! She has been on a crazy tear since finding out I’m pregnant, and I’m scared of what she will be like when the baby arrives. Sigh.

    But back to you…congratulations on reaching the halfway mark — what a huge accomplishment! I look forward to hearing about your anatomy scan — so exciting. I, too, sometimes wonder if the whole thing has been some crazy dream and I’m actually just hugely bloated….

  5. 20 weeks! Yippee!

    I.AM.DREADING.TELLING.MY.MOTHER.

  6. Both of my parents talk non-stop about a girl, too – and I’m not even pregnant! It sucks to know your mom would be less enthusiastic about one baby over another. Takes a little joy away from something that should be 100% happy!

  7. Congrats on reaching the halfway point!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. Yay for 20 weeks! I seriously hope that your mother shuts up about it for awhile, that is so terrible of her. Ungh.

    Get some baby books, and you’ll do fine πŸ™‚ Eventually you just learn about your baby on your own though, because while most babies are very similar, they are all so unique. I think you’ll do wonderful when your little boy or girl gets here.

    I am so exited for you!

  9. πŸ™‚ you’re not a bad parent. we just took an infant care class. i refused to take a childbirth class. i told b the only way that i would do it is if we watched something on DVD. so…we did that. it was nice. i cold be in my own house, go to the bathroom when i wanted, and didn’t have to try to fake paying attention when i was bored πŸ™‚

    i know what you mean about crazy families….i think that they protect us from becoming that way, too, you know? like give us a really good example of what *not* to do!

    happy half-way point!

    xoxo


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