Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | July 27, 2009

what is real?

I can’t believe that July is nearly over. I don’t know where the hell it went. I haven’t been very good about posting lately, mostly because I don’t feel like I have anything interesting to say.

18 and 1/2 weeks. I don’t feel very pregnant. I mean, I’m certainly showing, I am wearing maternity clothes all the time now (I have one pre-pregnancy skirt that still fits, but not for long), but I don’t feel like this is real. I haven’t felt movement yet. I have felt things that I thought might be the baby, but they very well could be intestinal in nature. When will this start to feel real? I know it’s in there. I know it’s alive (as of last Friday at 4pm). I’m happy and so grateful, but I also feel like it is a dream that I’m going to wake up from.

So far, I haven’t really made many purchases. I bought a onesie or two. I bought the Baby Bargains book. I’ve bought some fabric to make some baby blankets. The thing I looked forward to the most (besides getting a real live baby) was the baby gear. Deciding on the car seat and stroller, the swing and the play yard. I have dreamed about  being able to legitimately look at these things in stores without bursting into tears. I’ve spent hours pouring over Baby Bargains, looking at brands and reviews and safety information and colors and patterns, and making notes in the margins of the book.

S and I have gone looking (just looking) at furniture. He was ready to buy the other day. He’s been ready to buy several things. When I told him I think I narrowed down the car seat I want, he said “Let’s go get it today.” No! I am not ready to buy actual baby gear. I keep thinking that the other shoe might drop when we have the anatomy scan and we’ll find out that this was all a big fucking joke played on us. I’m sorry, your baby is actually an alien, or a cat, or has some fatal defect and will not be born alive. WHEN DO THESE THOUGHTS GO AWAY? Will they go away when the baby reaches possible viability?

I have such a mixture of fear and gratitude. I started crying the other night, as S was talking to the baby, realizing that I have already had 4 months with this baby. 4 months of no fertility treatments. 4 months of tentative happiness and hope. What an amazing gift. 4 months of anxiety and fear that it will be taken away. I am thankful for every single day.

Perhaps the fear has invaded more lately because I’ve been thinking a lot about Stacey. I started reading her blog the cycle she got pregnant with the twins. She had been on bedrest and delivered her boys last week at 27 weeks. Both babies were doing well at first. Three days later she buried her son Connor. Her other son Colby is in the NICU, and is stable but has a long way to go. Please go give her lots of love and support.



  1. “I have such a mixture of fear and gratitude. I started crying the other night, as S was talking to the baby, realizing that I have already had 4 months with this baby. 4 months of no fertility treatments. 4 months of tentative happiness and hope. What an amazing gift”

    Awww. This just made my heart smile for you.

  2. Baby schwag is the best! 🙂 I try not to even look but it’s hard not to do it! I hope your baby room comes together soon for your sweet little one.

  3. Dude I have no idea when it will start to feel real. It only feels real to me at the doctors. I was really hoping you could tell me when it starts to feel safe.

    I am thinking it won’t ever feel real till we are holding our babies. I was very scared at Babies R Us. Because surely I would be punished somehow for thinking we might actually need some of that stuff. I was too scared to look really closely at it.

  4. I seriously think there is some giant joke going on and everyone is in on it but me. And that eventually someone will show me the hidden cameras and say, “You’re not really pregnant, you’re on a shitty reality TV show and everyone has just been pretending you’re pregnant!!!” Cause it seriously seems like a trick at every ultrasound when I see something in me.

    When I was TTC I used to have a dream where I gave birth to kittens. It’s a surprisingly simple delivery. Good thing I didn’t have to clean them with my tongue.

    But it’s so cool that you are probably on the cusp on feeling movement and pretty soon you won’t have to wonder if it’s gas or not. A form of real will come soon enough, but nothing will ever be truly real… I mean I see myself holding my baby someday and going, “How the hell did this happen?” But that will be pretty cool still.

  5. oh!! what if you DID have a cat inside of you? that could be totally awesome! 😉

    you’ll feel movement any time now. i wasn’t completely sure until about 22 weeks. after that i could look back and know for sure that what i felt before that was definitely movement. it’s just tough!!

    i hear you on the buying of stuff. we *JUST* ordered a crib…and i’m 27 wks. i just don’t want to jinx anything, you know???

    hang in there. you’re doing great! 🙂 XOXO

  6. I am completely on the same wavelength. I waffle between fearing buying baby things and needing to, so that it seems concrete and believable. It’s really comforting to know I’m not alone — I feel so guilty for having these fears sometimes…like I’ve worked so hard to get to this point, I should be enjoying it and I’m failing. Hang in there — we’ll get through this! I love the Baby Bargains book, by the way — one of the best recommendations I’ve gotten from a friend so far.

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