Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | June 30, 2009

thank you

Thank you guys so much for validating my feelings yesterday. I’m glad I’m not completely crazy.

I should clarify a few things. Don’t worry, I’m not going completely password protected. I may protect just that post (and possibly this one), since I really don’t want any family members accidentally stumbling upon it, even though I’m pretty careful to keep identifying information out of my blog.

Another thing – MIL made sure to tell us the they “weren’t even trying!” when it happened. She knows all about our IF (we told his parents about six months into treatments), and I can’t help but wonder if it’s a passive aggressive way of conveying ‘well, my son doesn’t have any fertility problems’. Why would you tell that to your stepson and his wife who had been doing fucking fertility treatments for the past year? Why would you have to throw in that they weren’t even trying? Wouldn’t you think that could be hurtful? She’s normally a very sweet lady, but sometimes these comments come out of her mouth that make me wonder if she is just being thoughtless or if she is manipulative. For as much of an asshole that her son is most of the year, when he does come around (usually wanting money), he can do no wrong. I had to hear all about their wedding plans (which were lavish) through MIL. We paid for our own small, simple wedding. I’m betting they had a lot of help with theirs.  I’m sure I will hear all about their baby too. There will be comparisons. It will be annoying. I just need to expect it and come up with a variety of coping strategies. I will probably rely heavily on saying “How nice for them!” and quick subject changes.

They do live a couple hours away, and they don’t visit that often, and when they do visit, they usually only see MIL’s side of the family, so perhaps not much will change. I’m sure that the in laws are going to be much more involved in our child’s life, simply because we live in the same town and see them frequently. In general, I feel lucky to have pretty good in laws. They mostly respect boundaries, and besides a tendency towards extreme thrift (I’m already worrying about what garage sale finds they will try to give us for the baby), they are generally kind, thoughtful people.

I do realize that while the wedding stuff was not a coincidence, the baby stuff is. And while it is a weird and incredible coincidence that we are due so close together, there is absolutely nothing malicious or intentional about it, and there is nothing to be done about it. It certainly could have been a lot worse. They could have gotten pregnant earlier and announced during my miscarriage. I am so thankful that we were not still in the midst of treatments when it happened.

Our baby is so wanted and planned for and will be loved so much, and that is really all that matters. I just hope that nothing goes wrong with our pregnancy, otherwise we will have a constant reminder of what would have been. The pessimist in me just can’t help but think that.



  1. Don’t let those negative thoughts worm their way in! You will have a healthy, beautiful, very adored baby soon!

  2. I understand what you mean about the worry about if something goes wrong with your baby, but not theirs… but nothing bad has happened yet, and you have a healthy baby just growing away in there. I know all too well that there are no guarantees, but we always have hope for the future. I am very hopeful that you are going to get your little Christmas present 🙂

  3. Oh…they weren’t even trying? How nice for them….I really think that’s one of the most idiotic things people can say to pregnant people…or anyone….It’s so irritating.

    One of my good friends just had a baby and through out the whole pregnancy she kept saying, “We weren’t even trying!!!” Finally by the fifth month I broke and said….”Were you on birth control?”…”Ummm…no.” “Well, then you were trying.” Stupid.

    I’m also glad that you weren’t in the midst of trying when they made their announcement. That would have broke me.

  4. I’m so sorry this has happened and taken the shine off what is such a special time. I do know something of how you feel – we’ve only been trying for seven months (and don’t know of any medical issues as yet), but I’ve had two miscarriages in that time. A friend of mine is due two weeks after the first baby would have been born, and my SIL is due with her second child almost to the day that the second baby would have been born. I seem destined to be surrounded by reminders of what could have been, and it’s incredibly hard.

    BUT, you are further along than I ever was, and there is no reason to think anything will go wrong. I know how hard it is living with the fear, though, and just wanted to say that you’re not alone. I can’t tell you how much I’m rooting for you! And like others have said, it sounds like you will probably get the lion’s share of grandparent attention, with living so close. It totally sucks, but your baby will still be special and loved and cherished. Hang in there.

  5. Coming from a family of manipulators, I know that crap all too well, and I could totally picture your MIL saying that just to be a bitch… If someone said that to me (and I could tell they had motives) I’d say back, “Oh, so it was a mistake?” Yes, two can play that game.

    It is a complicated family situation, good luck. I’m sure baby bird will be an adorable genius and blow mooching BIL’s kid out of the water.

  6. i’m hopeful that things will just kind of work out. it’s weird what kids do to a dysfunctional family. 🙂 i’ve seen it in action!!!

  7. Sounds like you’re doing a little better today. The comment about “they weren’t even trying” was pretty damn evil though!
    Your baby will be fantastic and incredibly loved. Hopefully it’ll like its cousin, but I doubt you’ll end up all that involved in each other’s lives.

  8. I think your MIL’s comment was not intentional or malicious — just proof that people don’t stop and think when it comes to talking with someone w/IF. You would definitely stop and think before talking to someone with another kind of illness or challenge but (I’m sure esp now that you’re pregnant) I bet she doesn’t even think of you as needing particular sensitivity. It sucks but I’ve learned to accept it…it’s like when my mother (before she knew) would tell me all about such and such a friend that is about to have yet another grandchild. I honestly don’t think it ever occurred to her not to say it…which seems impossible but it’s true.

    I am so happy you’re doing better with this information about the in-laws. You may still have feelings of jealousy/annoyance, etc. — which is TOTALLY NORMAL — but try to focus on these other things you’ve said, which are all true!

  9. How frustrating!

    Just think about your baby: how happy your family is going to be, etc. Don’t think of comparisons, because we all do things our own way, and if in the end, we’re happy, then it is all good.

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