Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | June 23, 2009

i got outed on facebook

I had no intentions of announcing this pregnancy on Facebook. I am definitely NOT going to put up any ultrasound pictures or whine about my symptoms there. I don’t even really do anything on Facebook besides feel like I am spying on other people. I know how painful it is to have to see that shit, and I was determined not to cause any pain like that for anyone.

One friend in particular, that I only talk to a couple times a year, has alluded to experiencing secondary infertility, and I think it would be super shitty for her to read about our news on Facebook. She doesn’t know about our infertility, but does know about the miscarriage. When I told her about the miscarriage, she opened up about a frustrating delay in trying for a second child. I don’t know if they are doing treatments at all, but I do know that when you are trying and nothing is happening, it sucks to hear that yet another friend is pregnant. Maybe it will hurt her a little less, since she knows we had a loss. Who knows.

After sending the email to my family at the end of last week, I got a message on my wall (or whatever you call it) from a relative’s spouse, saying something like  “I JUST HEARD THE NEWS THAT YOU ARE PREGNANT! CONGRATS! I KNOW YOU ARE GONNA LOVE BEING IN THE  MOMMY CLUB!!!!!!!” I just cringed when I read it. I mean, I’m thankful for the congratulatory thoughts, but oh, I wanted to be quiet about it. Then I felt like I had to acknowledge her comment or I’d be slighting her, so I wrote a quick thank you back. And the phrase “mommy club” is so chock full of baggage as well.

Maybe I’m being silly. Maybe I am projecting my own feelings about pregnancy announcements onto others who may or may not feel the same way. I just know how awful it is to get blindsided by an unexpected announcement, and I want to be sensitive, since who really knows who all in our lives are experiencing infertility, since nobody (including me) talks about it. I don’t even have that many friends on Facebook. But it’s out there now. I feel awfully naked.



  1. Ugh. That sucks! Some people have no sense. If you want to you can delete the post off of your wall if you don’t want people to continue to see it. Just hover to the right of the comment and an ‘X’ or something should come up and you can remove it.

    Best of luck to you…you have every right in the world to remain private with your news and to handle it in whatever way you feel necessary, even if that means appearing to be “guarded”. You have to do what’s right for you. Being pregnant is intensely personal. Do what feels right to you!

  2. If I had m/s “mommy club” would have totally made me hurl.

    I turned off all the little announcement things on my page so that even if someone does leave me a comment it doesn’t show on my other friends’ notification pages. Honestly, I don’t like everyone knowing the instant a random friend leaves something on my page. But it doesn’t really matter, cause I only get on there about once a year anymore.

    I’m sure this won’t be the last of them.

  3. i’ve been dealing with the same things! 🙂 i’m not “out” on fb, but people keep trying to push the limits! i’ve deleted their comments from my wall. i’m not sure anyone would even notice. i don’t know….i just feel kind of weird about the whole thing!

  4. Crap, this just shows how little I know about Facebook. I’m going to have to figure out how to turn off announcements or whatever.

  5. I had a friend who would delete the comments as soon as people posted, but then it would always show up on my “home page.”

    That totally sucks. If I know someone is pregnant, sick, family member is sick, etc. I do not post anything on FB about it. May send them a private message, but never publically. I hope that you figure out how to handle this!


  6. You can go out there and delete that comment off your wall if you want to. Then it won’t be there anymore. Just a thought

    Congrats though. i hope you find the moment soon where you can actually truly enjoy just being happy for your miracle. I know it’s hard with so many others out there still trying and having a hard time. But you went through all that stuff too and now you are pregnant, so you should be able to celebrate with the biggest smile on your face whenever you want to. Just hope you don’t miss out on that part of the journey because it’s amazing. I have been there too and with our miracle now 5 months in the making, I am shouting it to the world and loving every minute each day brings towards our little girl. Hope this makes some sense.

    Take care and hope all continues to go well for you.

  7. If we’re lucky enough to get pregnant, I don’t want to tell anyone else until we can’t hide it anymore. I would be so frustrated, too! 😦

  8. Sorry hun 😦 That was a tad inappropriate of them… “a tad” may be an understatement…

  9. I understand you wanting the news to *break* on your own terms, and what is good news to some may be tough news for others. turning off the announcement function is something I need to investigate!

  10. Ugh — there is no privacy anymore. I’m so sorry. Mommy club is v v annoying too. FB is the devil sometimes!

  11. So, the minute I told our very closest friends and family about our IVF cycle I went in and made it impossible for anyone to leave a message on my wall. Then on my birthday I selfishly wanted “happy birthday” messages so I opened up my wall for one day. Wouldn’t you know the first two posts were birthday wishes with an “outing” thrown in (a cousin and my best friend’s husband). I immediately deleted the comments and put the block back on.

    I think you could definitely reach out to your friend (via private email, of course), and just acknowledge that you didn’t want her to find out that way, and apologize. If I was her I would appreciate that.

    Reminds me of another friend, who wrote a status that he was heading out of town for a week in Hawaii. A bunch of people commented, and about 10 comments down someone writes “enjoy it, because in six months everything’s going to change”. Immediately he was flooded with about 100 posts asking what was up, and he had to respond with an apology and forced announcement. FB can be BRUTAL in that way!

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