Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | April 27, 2009

this wait is killing me

I am generally a pessimistic person, but I have been trying to stay positive. It’s so difficult though. Every time I get some crampy feelings, which is fairly frequently, I think it’s ectopic or the start of miscarrying. I still haven’t had any bleeding or spotting, and like I’ve said before, there is no reason to think that anything is wrong, but I still can’t help but worry a lot of the time.

My symptoms aren’t getting any worse. If anything, they are lessening a bit, which freaks me out. I haven’t been as sick to my stomach as I was last week. My bbs hurt a bit less. The heartburn isn’t as bad anymore. Today is 5 weeks 3 days. Four more days until the ultrasound, if I make it that far. I think of all of the naive, fertile bitches around me that have had babies recently or are pregnant, and I am so jealous of their assumptions that everything will be alright. It’s not always alright. I wish I could just assume that everything is fine, but I know too much. People have healthy babies all the time. Can’t I please be one of them, now that I’m finally pregnant? Please?

What if it is bad news on Friday? I am starting to think about how I would cope, what would happen next (d&c? methotrexate?), and how would I not completely fall apart. S has to fly out for another business trip the day after the ultrasound. If it’s bad news, I would expect him to find a way to cancel his trip and be there for me if I needed surgery. That would piss a bunch of people off at his work and cause him stress, but I went through the last miscarriage alone and there’s no fucking way I will do that again. Then I’m sure we’d have to wait a month or two before cycling again. I guess the good thing is that we know Femara worked, so we could try a few more cycles of Femara and IUI before moving on to IVF. Planning for the worst case scenario seems a bit sick, but it makes me feel a bit more prepared, in case it is bad news.

Of course, if it is good news, the worry doesn’t end there! No. There will always be something to worry about. The rest of the first trimester. Each subsequent ultrasound. I’m going to turn 35 before delivery, so do we do an amnio? On and on.

I know I am sounding like a broken record, and I apologize for that. I just can’t think about anything else right now.



  1. (*hugs*) It is stressful waiting, I know. Hang in there hun. I am hoping all is well, and that Friday will bring you the best news.

  2. Oh boy. It’s so tough when your brain is in overdrive about a million different decisions and outcomes. If it’s any comfort, I’m having the same non-symptoms as you. Less nausea than before and really nothing else to speak of. Most of the time I try and pretend I’m a normal pregnant person and not worry unless something goes “wrong.”

    Hang in there, just a few more days until the u/s!

  3. Oh Bird, I wish it could be easy for you. I think none of us would feel safe until the baby was out.

    I wish I could help you boo. How you feel is normal. But Bird, you are holding your baby right now.

    I think it is good that your eyes are wide open about the risk, but I wish you could temper it a little with some joy.

  4. I know exactly how you feel. I’m at 9 weeks 3 days today, and I made it through the first ultrasound 2 weeks ago, but you’re right! The worry does not end there. I don’t think I will stop worrying until I actually bring home a real live baby. So many people have said to me, “Relax! You’re not cramping or spotting, so why are you worried?” But like you, I know too much. I’ve been there. I’ve had 3 miscarriages. I’m also so jealous of the naive bitches that start telling people 3 days after their BFP. We’re not planning to tell until 16 weeks. I will be thinking of you.

  5. I understand your concerns and your worries, but that is not good for you right now.

    I know when we were waiting to hear the news and then had to wait until the ultrasound, honestly…I had like no signs at all. I seriously felt like I was not pregnant but the tests showed I was. So with that I took it and just smiled and thought that for this very moment in time I am pregnant and a Mom to be. It calmed me a lot and I made it through.

    One day at a time and remember to breath. It’s okay to be scared and nervous but the symptoms don’t always mean anything bad. I never had morning sickness and my boobs never even really hurt. I was just really tired all the time so it can all still be good things. Just try to focus on the good right now and the next four days will be here before you know it. I promise.

    Good luck, try to relax and just smile at the possibility of that little one in your arms some day soon šŸ™‚ Take care and keep us posted. You are in my prayers and I have my fingers crossed for you.

  6. I don’t think the worrying is going to get better, but it will be a relief to see that everything is on target (cause I’m sure it will be). Just a few more days!

  7. My friend and I were talking the other day about how nice it would be to go through pregnancy with the assumption that things would just work out. Sweet ignorant bliss….

    Don’t stress yourself out…..I had a lot of cramping and called everyone about it (doctors, nurses, my insurance nurse line….everyone) and they all said the same thing… spotting, no worries……

    Also, I didn’t feel sick until week six. I really didn’t feel anything but tired until then.

    I hope this helps! Don’t worry (easier said than done)……..try to treat yourself to fun, decadent things to help make the wait go faster.

  8. you and i are a lot alike. i am a “prepare for the worst” kind of person. that way you have already thought it out and come up with a plan for coping and how you can begin to deal with it. i am thinking positive thoughts for you…. hang in there. almost time for the US šŸ™‚

  9. I completely understand where you are right now, but try to just take things five minutes at a time. Looking forward to your happy update in a few days!

  10. Two more days:) You are almost there, hon.

  11. I’m just checking in on you and baby bird.

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