Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | April 21, 2009

4w4d: feeling guilty

You’d think I’d be happy. I am happy. But I also feel guilty, and I don’t know what to write. I’m so scared that something will go wrong. It’s going to be a long 10 days until the ultrasound.

I sat down a couple of times over the weekend to post, but I couldn’t write anything. I want to be sensitive to the fact that news of a bfp can cause conflicting feelings for a reader. When bloggers that I love have gotten bfps, I have been so happy for them, but there’s also that feeling of being left behind, and I completely understand that. I don’t want to turn into an obnoxious pregnancy blog. I know that if this pregnancy continues, some people will stop reading, and I totally understand that. I don’t blame them.

For now, I’m in limbo. There’s no reason to assume that anything is going wrong, but I’m worried. How can this crazy cycle have worked? I feel like I don’t deserve this. I’m afraid that there will be nothing there at the ultrasound. No baby. So sorry, you aren’t really pregnant. S should be there for the ultrasound, unless his flight is delayed. He is gone on a business trip for two weeks and returns the night before the ultrasound. The he leaves again two days later for another two weeks. Yes, my husband is going to be gone for nearly a month. That 4th week, I am flying out to where he is (in the middle of nowhere in Texas) and we will drive around and see some things. But now, I am home, irrational and nervous, with no husband to rub my feet or bring me crackers or keep me from obsessing. My worst fear is that I will start to miscarry or have an ectopic burst and be alone.

I finally have slightly sore bbs. I definitely have some nausea and heartburn going on. I’m very tired. I’ve had no bleeding or spotting. I have not peed on any more sticks. I’d like to thank a fellow blogger for reminding me that hpt’s cannot be used to confirm a viable pregnancy, only rising betas can. Luckily, my betas were good and more than doubling. I wish I had a third beta to compare as well, but the nurse didn’t think that was necessary.  For now, everything is fine but time is going by so slowly. I need to find a way to distract myself.

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Responses

  1. Infertility makes us pros at waiting and worrying.

    In all likelihood, everything will be just fine at your u/s. It might be too early for a heartbeat, but I bet they’ll see just what they are looking for.

    Oh, and I am insanely jealous of not only your BFP, but the fact that you got it so early. But, I’m still happy for you 🙂

    You should write what you want and not worry about what other people think. It’s your blog and your space and a therapeutic outlet.

  2. All I can say is that I recognize exactly how you are feeling!! The worry, the guilt, the uneasiness. Everything. But try to enjoy it to the best you can. You’ll regret not enjoying the first few weeks if you have given into worry and guilt. I know that the worry won’t ever go away- 14 weeks later it is still there, but it does decrease with every good report. 🙂

    There is no reason to feel guilty. I know that you want the same joy for everyone, but just realize that right now it is YOUR turn!

    I wish you NOTHING but the best and I will keep checking back! 🙂 Enjoy it!

  3. i agree with amanda that you should write what YOU want and not worry about what others think!

    as a fellow infertile and reader of your blog, i am SO excited and happy for you! reading about infertile people getting pregnant just reminds me and renews my hope that i will eventually get pregnant too and that infertility is NOT a life sentence.

    so even if this does become a pregnancy blog, i will happily read about your symptoms, feelings and joys. and i will know that you deserve this healthy pregnancy and that you understand how hard it is to get there sometimes.

    i am so glad that your husband can sneak home in between trips for the u/s.

  4. Bird, I figured you were home freaked out that it would all go away. I am so happy for you. It really gives me hope that it can happen for me since we are practically twins.

    All I can say is try and enjoy now, you are pregnant now, you are holding your baby now and no one can take now away from you no matter what happens in the future.

  5. Also, with all my talk of “now” I am picturing Spaceballs.

    : Try here. Stop.
    Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
    Colonel Sandurz: Now. You’re looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
    Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
    Colonel Sandurz: We passed it.
    Dark Helmet: When?
    Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We’re at now now.
    Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
    Colonel Sandurz: When?
    Dark Helmet: Now.
    Colonel Sandurz: Now?
    Dark Helmet: Now.
    Colonel Sandurz: I can’t.
    Dark Helmet: Why?
    Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
    Dark Helmet: When?
    Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
    Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
    Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
    Dark Helmet: How soon?

  6. Don’t forget that there are those of us who are heartened by others sucess! Don’t deprive us!

  7. Don’t feel guilty! We want to hear about your pregnancy…and I promise not to leave your blog just because you are knocked up, lol. We are all in this together, not matter what stage of the process we are at. That’s my thought anyway.

    That does REALLY suck that your husband is going to be away so much. I’m really sorry about that. If we lived near each other I would bring you crackers:)

    Hang in there…the u/s is almost here.

  8. I’m so glad you posted again. I was thinking of you. I definitely think this is a hard time, maybe because it is so new. We are used to worrying about each cycle, we’ve never had to worry about this part….it’s uncharted.

    I completely understand all your fears, and I’m not going to tell you to try and relax (because I still haven’t been able to). I’ve called the doctor with so many questions they are starting to laugh when I say my name.

    I will say that I am so happy that this is happening for you, and that I have a really good feeling about it 🙂

  9. I understand completely your feelings of guilt, etc. but please keep writing. It is good for you and good for the rest of us to remember when we get our BFPs that the journey doesn’t end there…there are still miles to go and worries to be had, and your expressing them here will help us know we’re not insane when we have them too. And know we’re all rooting for you. We may wish we were there too and feel anxious about being left behind, but we’re rooting for you all the way.

    As for the wait…just take it five minutes at a time. Keep remembering that the odds are so much greater that everything will be 100% fine. But try to remember too that there’s nothing you can or cannot do to influence what happens. I know it’s so hard and it feels somewhat like a betrayal to think that way but it’s what I’m trying to do with this next IVF cycle and so far it’s working. Find a good book or movie. Go for a walk. Get a pedicure and read gossip magazines. Call a non-IF friend (w/o babies) — anything you can do to focus on what’s in front of you rather than the “what ifs.” Sending you my very best wishes!

  10. I understand how you feel. I feel guilty everday when I post a positive pregnancy post. But, don’t want to look back and regret not enjoying my pregnancy because I felt guilty.

    Hang in there for the u/s. It will be here faster than you know it.

  11. Don’t feel guilty (*hugs*)

    I am very happy that things look good so far. I hope that this fluke cycle turns out to be the one. I really really hope so hun.

    I am thinking of you.

  12. I know how you feel. I’m trying to force myself to be positive and optimistic, hoping that every day I will feel better. What day is your u/s scheduled for? I just scheduled mine for May 6th and I’m hoping for heartbeat(s). The waiting sucks!

    Hang in there. And, don’t feel guilty. We’ll always be here with you, and if someone doesn’t feel comfortable reading, that’s OK too. This is your space, so write away. Personally, I’m loving it 🙂

  13. I know I’m super late in commenting on this post, but I just went back and read it b/c I am newly pregnant – 4wks and 3dys — after a loss in December (I was previously a lurker. Hello.). I’m experiencing a lot of the same feelings that you were feeling then — glad to have gotten a positive test but not wanting to get attached in case it’s some cruel trick the universe is playing with me. I hope to be in a better place a few months from now, i.e., still pregnant and not so skeptical. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It’s good to know others feel/felt the same way.


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