Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | April 9, 2009

sleeping is much better than being awake

Okay, so my enthusiasm for finding balance and being less obsessed with ttc has already FAILED.

Yesterday S and I needed to go to the tax place to sign our taxes. Our tax place is right near a very good soup place. Yes, it’s a restaurant entirely based on soup. Sure they have salads and sandwiches, but soup is the main thing. They have at least 3 vegetarian soups every day. My favorite is tomato spinach and brown rice. It’s so good, and only 2 points on Weight Watchers. Anyhow, we decided to meet there for lunch and go over to sign the papers after lunch. S’s friend decided to come along.

While making small talk at lunch, S made the mistake of asking his friend if he had talked to a former coworker of theirs. He had. In fact, she’s pregnant with her second baby. She just had her twelve week appointment. Seriously? Another goddamn pregnancy announcement? I didn’t say a word. I kept eating my soup and S changed the subject very quickly.

When just he and I walked over to the tax place, he said he was sorry, he was an idiot, he never should have asked about her in front of me. I’m certainly not mad at him, I’m just mad at how desperately it hurts to hear that every fucking female we know of reproductive age is pregnant (or just had a baby) except for me.Β  I’m happy for the girl. I’ve met her a couple of times. She’s nice, she’s funny, and she can hold her own amongst the group of all male engineers she used to work with. She’s the kind of person I could be friends with. But it hurts me so much to be reminded that normal people get pregnant easily, and we are doing all of these invasive things and its still not working.

After they went back to work, I started doing what I do best when I’m depressed: spending money. I went to the pet store because I needed cat food, and I ended up buying more toys for cats that they didn’t need. They are already spoiled beyond belief. They don’t need any more toys. I went to the health food store because I’m nearly out of prenatal vitamins, and I found myself throwing shit in my cart. Granted, it was generally healthy stuff, but not stuff we particularly needed.

On the way home, I stopped at several stores. I went to the garden center and bought a $79 bird feeder hanging system. I like birds and I like squirrels. So do my cats. Hence the name of this blog. But, those motherfucking squirrels have figured out how to eat all the food out of my “squirrel proof” bird feeders because I haven’t hung them properly. Then the birds are too scared to come eat because the fucking gigantic squirrels are hanging upside down, munching away. So, I bought an expensive thing to stick in the ground that will hold 4 bird feeders. At first I thought, “S is going to be mad at me for spending all this money”. Then I thought “Fuck it. Birds make me happy.” Very little makes me happy these days.

I stopped at another pet store because the first one didn’t have the particular flavor of food that my picky cats like to eat, and I bought more stuff. Then I went home and had to round the cats up to take them to the vet and spent another $170. Of course, that cost wasn’t related to the pregnancy announcement, but still, it’s money spent.

I got home and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Being awake had sucked so much that I went to bed early and I took a Tylenol PM, one of the best inventions in the world, to ensure that I wouldn’t toss and turn. I proceeded to have nightmares, oddly enough, about having nightmares. It was pretty fucked up.

I think I’m getting more comfortable with the idea of moving on to IVF. I don’t want to make the decision out of panic and desperation, but that’s all I’m feeling lately. We could keep throwing time and money at IUI, but clearly, we have a serious male factor issue. This past year of treatment, I’ve ovulated at least 8 times with meds. We conceived once, and it fizzled out. All signs are pointing to fertilization being the problem. 3% morphology. I used to be optimistic (all you need is one!), but now all I can envision are two headed sperm swimming backwards, and how can this ever possibly work.

I’ve been doing pretty well on not obsessing about this two week wait, mainly because I have zero hope this cycle. I did temp the past few days, just to make sure my temp is high, and it is, but I’m on prometrium. I haven’t been keeping track of dpo, so I had to think for a bit to figure out that I’m 6dpo today. I’ve had a lot of cramping today, which is odd. I almost wonder if I have an infection from the IUI, or the follicles didn’t ovulate and they just burst, or something. We can’t do injectables next cycle because S is going out of town for most of the next 3 weeks. I’ll probably take Femara again, just because I have it, and maybe I’ll ovulate while he’s home for a few days in between trips.

This might be a good time to start the IVF process, get on whatever list there is,Β  and start bcp. Maybe we could start in June or July. For those of you that have done IVF, did you save up the money beforehand, or put it on credit, or borrow from family, or what? We are getting a little back from taxes, so that is a help, but the cost is so frightening. Yet time is ticking away and I am feeling so desperate. I hate this.



  1. I’ve been known to get a little spendy and justify it with all the crap going on with my IF… then I feel bad b/c I know the money I just spent could have been used for more IF stuff. I really need some new shirts and am afraid to go shopping cause I’m worried about going overboard. I look like a freakin pauper… I almost never spend money to spruce my looks these days.

    “I can envision are two headed sperm swimming backwards” That totally made me LOL… I’m sorry, I know it’s not suppose to be funny, but it is. The ‘it only takes one’ line is load of crap… it takes millions and millions… unless you’re doing ivf (of course the trade off there is the thousands and thousands that IVF costs).

  2. Oh Bird.

    I always picture the ONE sperm they found during our post-coital exam swimming and swimming and getting no where.

    I still have no idea how there could only have been one. But it wasn’t even GOING anywhere. Not that it mattered on a slide, but still.

    Bird I am sorry you are in the pit right now. Yesterday I spent most of the day in my pajamas just depressed and thinking that we would NEVER EVER EVER get pregnant. Ever. I forced myself to clean the bathrooms and do laundry and unpack a box but when Mr. got home he said ” I see nothing got done today. You know, I can’t do everything.” Which is true, even if it was a crappy thing to say.

    I buy my cats toys when I feel crappy too. Oh Bird.

  3. I am not sure if I have ever commented on your blog.

    Even though we are not on the path (yet, and praying we won’t have to be) to IVF, I completely understand the spending thing.

    Why does it feel so good to spend? I just have to avoid the places I know there will be pregnant women everywhere. I think about the things that I should be spending things on if everything happened the way “it should.” I should be getting ready for baby, but like you I buy way too many things for my dogs. Hey they are like kids, right?


  4. Also, I don’t know if this will make you laugh but we have named Mr.’s sperm “Mongo”. We were at our bug RE appointment and they were talking about the morphology and Mr. whispered to me that he had flying pegasus sperm.

    Then on the drive home from the doom filled appointment, he said “Mongo love fly” Which is something we whisper to each other when surrounded by normal people. He said it to me at the baby shower last week.

  5. I mean Big.. Our BIG RE appointment. I am a pretty bad typist.

  6. Oh Celia, you do make me laugh! That is funny. We’ll need to come up with a good name for S’s sperm.

  7. Whoever invented Tylenol PM is a genius.

    If we have to go the IVF route I think it would be a mish mash of collective funds. I would assume (it’s always bad to assume) that our familes would kick in a few thousand. We have a few thousand and anything left over would go on credit. I think. I would hope.

    But, I hope the lovely Femara works for both of us to the tune of a few hundred instead:)

  8. (*hugs*) I go on spending sprees to buy things I want when I’m down. Hardly ever anything we actually need. Every little bit of happiness counts, I totally agree.

    We have massive wily squirrels out here. They ate my Halloween pumpkins one year. Cheeky buggers. They also taught the local birds how to get in our trash, it would seem. Time for new trash cans, eh?

    About the comment on my blog; thanks hun. I really do appreciate the support. And of course I’ll share where I got the pendants. They have some lovely memorial jewelry on their site. Maybe they’ll have something you’ll like. I bought them at la belle dame,

    Thinking of you hun.

  9. In comment to your other comment πŸ™‚ We seem to have been commenting on each other’s blogs at the same time!

    That is a really tough decision… I wouldn’t be able to go back to my ob/gyn for treatments though. I might hurt someone! Hope you can figure it out hun. It may be worth giving it a shot at least, if you change your mind you can always go back to the ole RE that same cycle, can’t you?

  10. a little retail therapy never hurt anyone πŸ™‚

    our insurance ended up covering more than we thought, but we were putting some on the credit card, using savings for some, and b’s parents gave us a little money toward the first one.

    …hopefully someone will have a buy-one-get-one free special in your neck of the woods…

  11. I totally get the whole spending money to make yourself better thing. I do it all the time, but unfortunately it just makes me feel worse afterwards.

    About saving for IVF, we just put it on our credit cards, and then got whatever rebate we could from our insurance and medicare. It might work differently in the US though. The cool thing about using credit card is that we got frequent flyer points and got a free flight πŸ™‚

  12. I came across your blog and it sounds all too familiar. I have PCOS, IR and am taking Met. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 2 years. We have been on several failed clomid cycles and are now starting Follistim with IUI. Haven’t had the injections yet, a little nervous. I am gonna be 33 this month and it seems everyone around me is pregnant and I’m just getting older. IVF may be the next step for us. There are days this is sooo overwhelming. I also work full-time and am a step-mother to 2 boys 8 and 13. Its a struggle but I’m glad there are other people out there who can relate. Hang in there and thank goodness for your blog!

  13. Sorry you’re having a hard time lately. The pregnancy announcements DO hurt so much, as does every other f-ing thing having to do with IF!

    We also struggled with the decision about donor sperm vs. IVF. I would have been fine (actually preferred) going right to donor sperm, since we had our BIL as a known donor. But Bear felt like he needed to try everything possible, just once, to feel at peace. So, we basically saved for a year, and charged the rest (ugh). No family support, unfortunately. I was able to get all the meds through insurance (surprisingly, since I have Kaiser!). It is a difficult road to go down, but obviously we decided to give it a try.

    Thinking of you as you make all these big decisions. Now go play with those cats πŸ™‚

  14. Ugh. I feel ya. We had the money up front (first time my husband got a pay out from his company, it all went in my belly).
    We will borrow if we need to for our last cycle. Moving on to IVF was frightening, but also reassuring. At least we had more data. Turns out it was wrong, because my husband has a previously undiagnosed translocaiton, but I did feel so much better knowing what was happening with the embryos from day to day.

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