Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | April 7, 2009

the conversation in which my husband compares my uterus to football

We had a good talk last night. I’ve been a bit of a bitch to him since our fight on Friday night. It’s actually quite hard for me to be a bitch for any real length of time. I get over things pretty quickly in general, but this time, I guess I wanted to punish him. It’s not very mature. I fully admit that.

We talked a little bit the night before last, but didn’t get very far before S fell asleep. Yes, he fell asleep while I was talking about my feelings. Apparently it was not a good time to talk.

Last night, he initiated the conversation. I told him that when we fight, I immediately assume the worst. I assume that we will end up splitting up and I panic. I start mentally packing my things and try to imagine how I would restart my life without him. I realize that it’s overreacting, but I can’t help where my mind goes. I gave up a lot of my independence by moving across the country and marrying him. I have always been very independent. Merging our lives (and checkbooks) was very scary for me. He laughed when I told him about my fears. At first I was pissed that he was laughing at me, but then I realized that he was laughing because it sounded so absurd to him that we would ever divorce. “I married you planning to still be together when we are old and crusty. There is no need to get worked up over a little argument,” he said. I guess I just really needed some reassurance from him.

His main point was that he thinks I’m depressed and have a complete obsession with trying to concieve, and that stressing about it and worrying about it is going to make it harder for it to happen. He wishes I had more balance in my life, that I would focus on things other than babies. Logically, that makes sense, but how do you go through this process without it taking over your life? I told him that I realize how much energy this is taking, but ultimately it is a temporary thing. In five years, we will either have a kid or two and these days will be long behind us, or we will have lost the battle and had to find a way to move on with adoption or living child free. Either way the pain of this process will still be there, but there is an end to it. My fertility is approaching its natural end in a few years.

He is concerned with my blog reading. He thinks it perpetuates my obsession. I explained that this is where I get support. You people are going through/have gone through the same things, and it is really the only place where I can get understanding and support. Part of the problem is that sometimes I end up ignoring him to spend time with Google Reader. The other day I think I scared him by yelling out loud when I read about Dora’s two lines. I will make a conscious effort not to spend too much time on the internets on the weekends.

Now, here comes the football. My husband is obsessed with college football. Luckily for me, this is the only sport he is really interested in. But it’s not just a fall football season thing. It’s year round. He follows recruitment news, reads blogs, and watches you tube videos of practices. He is dragging me to some spring game next weekend. His favorite team has historically been fantastic, but they have sucked the past couple of seasons. Last year, they were absolutely terrible. While he does get invested in the games, he can surprisingly let it go pretty easily when they lose. This is what he said to me:

I don’t really mean to compare your uterus to football, but it’s like when U of M loses a game, I have to just let it go. I can’t let it ruin my entire week. My being upset about it isn’t going to help them win next week. When a cycle doesn’t work, you wallow in it and feel miserable for days, but that isn’t going to help anything. It’s probably hurting your chances the next cycle because you are so stressed. It’s disappointing, yes, but we need to find a way to move on.

I am not good at finding balance. I throw myself into things completely and have a hard time switching gears. He is right – for my own sanity and for the sake of maximizing our chances, I need to find a better balance. A wise friend of mine, on New Year’s day each year, used to go somewhere by herself for a few hours and a pad of paper, and make a box with nine squares in it. She would decide what her goals and priorities for the year would be, and try to divide them into 9 equal squares. She was excellent about making time for lots of different things in her life. Her squares would include work, travel, family, friends, religion, volunteering, education, health and fitness, and creative pursuits. Last night when I couldn’t sleep, I made my squares and I made lists. I made goals. I’m going to try to find a balance. I’m going to try to be less crazy.

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Responses

  1. Your words ring so true to me. My husband used to tell me all the time not to get stressed, not to feel miserable, and to move on each month. I know where he was coming from logically, but it wasn’t that easy. Logically you may know your husband is right and that you shouldn’t wallow for days… and it’s easy to say you won’t when you’re still in the waiting period, but when it comes to the negative, it isn’t that easy. I hope you’re able to strike a balance- and that your husband realizes you’re not trying to wallow and be miserable. Just like him, you’re trying to make it through the whole trying process. You just deal with it differently. I hope the road comes to a happy end soon. 🙂

  2. I’ve probably neglected my husband for reader too… and balance isn’t my strong suit either.

    I can see his concern about the blogging stuff, but women also handle problems differently and we need to talk and express our feelings and have them validated and the ALI community is great for that and something I that feel needs to be a part of my life right now. I think eliminating it would not make me ‘less obsessed’ but more lonely. That’s the way I see it and I think my husband does too. He knows I’m in a good mood when I say things like “Birds had a great post today…”

    Celia made me laugh so hard today I was spitting apple chunks out of my mouth. There are a lot of days when I sit in front of my reader smiling or laughing and I think to myself if I wasn’t involved with the group of wonderful women, I wouldn’t have smiled or laughed at all today.

    Yes, but the balance thing is good… everything in moderation.

  3. I have been there too( I think we made each other laugh as I almost peed myself) and wonder if blogs help me or hurt me. I decided that they help me. TV HURTS ME. All those shows on the Discovery Health channel that I used to watch would really depress me. Like not get dressed depress me.

    I don’t watch them anymore. I can’t. But the internet has been very valuable in helping me handle my feelings and depression and irritation. I don’t know anyone my age that is infertile in 3-D. Everyone is fertile fertile fertile. It can feel like a mine field.

    I don’t know that there is a way to not obsess. I have tried this month. But it is so hard when our own bodies are the root of our problem.

    Because you have to live in your body, and feel what is going on. You can’t avoid it.

  4. i get the same crazy feelings in my head when me and my husband fight. i know it is crazy and that arguing is normal, but i can’t help it. now he knows me well enough that in the middle of a fight he’ll say “i still love you, i’m just pissed off right now.” i need to hear it everytime.

    good luck this cycle

  5. You don’t sound crazy. At least not to me…I could had written your entire post myself. We actually seem very similar in the way we think/react. I got a kick out of reading this.

    It’s next to impossible not to ‘live’ infertility. I wish I could treat it like I would going to the drycleaner every month, but I can’t be that detached. My husband is so sick of talking about it that I do make a point of trying to not talk about it as much, even if I’m thinking about it constantly in my head.

    Here’s hoping that the Femara did the trick this month and this will be behind you. Thanks for the info on your dosage. I’m supposed to take 3 pills a day so hopefully my connected ovary will do something!

  6. This is weird. When I just posted above I wasn’t logged into my gmail account that corresponds to my blog. I was in my personal gmail account. Anyway, I realized this after I posted and clicked on my name to see what it brought up…and it goes to Aprils blog (Stong Blonde)…wtf?

    When I clicked to entire this comment the ‘website’ section autofills with Aprils website. Very, very, weird.

  7. mary…maybe your computer secretly thinks that you are me?? 🙂

    we may be joining you at the spring game this weekend!

    i don’t think you sound crazy. i’m glad that you guys were able to talk about it, though. that’s always a good step in the right direction…

  8. Balance is good, it’s hard to do, but can be worth it.

    I think I need to work on that as well.

    This whole journey really zaps everything out of us sometimes. It really is all consuming, and it last as long as we are still fighting. Even after. It sucks.

  9. Gotta love the sports analogies…an attempt at a baby is a little different from a game, but I guess I understand his point (it is totally something my husband would say). FWIW, I don’t think you’re crazy at all, but I totally understand what you’re getting at. I, too, have been trying to remind myself to step away from the computer and do other things. Here’s to better balance!


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