Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | March 21, 2009

why don’t you just kick me in the teeth while you’re at it?

Clearly I have had a crappy, emotional week. This bfn hit me really hard. Really hard. I fell into the pit and have stayed there for days. Then yesterday, things got a lot worse.

A couple of months ago, I emailed a good friend from college to tell her about my miscarriage. She was one of my bridesmaids, and despite the fact that we talk only once every couple of months, we are pretty close. She lives across the country from me, so we don’t get to see each other often. Her baby just turned one year old and I’ve never met him. I emailed her because I wanted her to know what was going on without having to talk about it just yet. The email got returned to me because her inbox was full, so she never got it.

She called a couple weeks ago. I was going to call her back, but I wanted to wait until after the 2ww. I was hoping that I’d have good news to give along with the news of the miscarriage. Clearly that did not happen. Yesterday she called again and caught me. I spent the first few minutes of our conversation telling her about the miscarriage, how it happened right before Christmas, and how much it sucked. She doesn’t know about our infertility, but I did tell her that we had been “trying” for 6 months and finally got pregnant only to lose it. I went on and on about how shitty it was to keep getting people’s Christmas cards and holiday newsletters with a gazillion pregnancy announcements and pictures of new babies while I was still bleeding from the miscarriage. I believe I even used the phrase “pregnant assholes”. She’s the kind of friend that I can vent like that too.

Then, kind of as a joke, I said “But, you know, if you get pregnant again, don’t feel like you can’t tell me or anything.”

Silence.

Me: Are you?  (in my head thinking there’s no way, she JUST had a baby exactly a year ago. She can’t be pregnant again ALREADY!)

Her: Ummmm…….Well………….

Me: No……. Seriously?  (in my head thinking it’s just mean to fuck with me like that)

Her: Gosh I feel like such a jerk telling you now….

And then I had to somehow pull it together and not cry. Then I had to comfort her for feeling like an asshole for telling me. Somehow I choked out that I was nothing but happy for her.

Then I asked what her due date was.

It’s a week after mine would have been if that pregnancy had been viable.

Seriously.

Then, as if she heard nothing about how much my miscarriage sucked, and how depressed I am, she continues to tell me about this pregnancy. How tired she is. How hard it is having a 13 month old and being 16 weeks pregnant. How she’s already gained 10 pounds. How she thinks it’s another boy, but they’ll find out in two weeks. On and on. I must have done such a good job comforting her that she felt like she could keep talking about her pregnancy and how they both happened – yes – on the first try! Oh great! How wonderful for her!

I started drinking. By the time S came home from work, my face was delightfully numb. Today I can almost laugh about how absurdly, comically awful it was. Almost.

Tomorrow I’ll report about my WTF appointment with the RE.

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Responses

  1. I’m really sorry for your loss. I just had a miscarriage as well. I think your friend is missing a sensitivity chip.

    Virtual hugs.

  2. I’m really sorry for your loss. I just had a miscarriage as well. I think your friend is missing a sensitivity chip.

    Virtual hugs.
    P.S. – Sorry, forgot to tell you great post!

  3. Oh gosh Birds, I’m sorry. You’ve had a really bad couple of months and I’m sure it was hard getting a bomb dropped on you like that.

    She probably has no idea that her going on like that is upsetting. Maybe in a few weeks or months, before she calls you again you could try another email (and hope her inbox isn’t full AGAIN) and explain how hard things have been and that you’re happy for her, but you can’t emotionally take hearing the details of her pregnancy now.

    I hope the WTF appt goes as well as can be expected. At least you’ll get some time with your RE.

  4. oh goodness. how do people just not know when to stop? even if you said it was fine, you were obviously hurting….maybe she could have waited…or just announced and left it at that?

    so sorry 😦

    xoxo

  5. I don’t think anyone really understands how devastating a miscarriage is until it happens to them, unfortunately. For a lot of people, I think it’s hard for them to put themselves in others’ shoes and really think about how their good news might come as a slap in the face.
    I’m so sorry that happened to you, especially coming from someone who’s supposed to be your friend and sensitive to your feelings. Today is the four-week anniversary of my first pregnancy ending in miscarriage. My husband and I had been trying for a while, too, and it makes us so angry to hear about people who got pregnant the first time they tried, and everything goes perfectly for them. It sucks, and we’re still dealing with it.
    I don’t want to say I know how you feel exactly, but I can commiserate. I will keep you in my thoughts.

    Jeanine

  6. Ugh. What an awful situation. Miscarriages for the fertile can be devastating, but for the infertile, they almost always are. I think that people don’t grock that when we get pregnant it is as if we’ve been pregnant for years (or as long as we’ve been trying), and that our attachment to the pregnancy is different. Also, because our relationship to ourselves and our bodies has already endured so many attacks, we have different vulnerabilities.
    When I went in for an ultrasound between my miscarriage and my next IVF, the ultrasound technician said to me “8 week? That’s really early.” I just about spontaneously combusted and replied “But I’ve been pregnant in my mind with this baby for two years, the whole time I’ve been trying, so 8 weeks is not early.” She seemed completely flummoxed.
    I think people are sensitive, but they have no sense of the degree to which we are wounded by both infertility and miscarriage. It gets so hard to both bear our pain, and educate them, and so often our wounds sensitivity shifts from moment to moment.
    since you don’t have an email address linked to (or I can’t find it), I wanted to let you know about a post that I have up at my blog about these kinds of wounds.
    You are in my thoughts.

  7. Oh wow. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. So many people just don’t get it. Luckily, there are some of us who do. Hang in there.

  8. ugh! what a sucky day. i would have hit the sauce after that too. 😦
    i recently had a fertile tell me she is “oops, 12 weeks pregnant” she didn’t even know! can you imagine?! she went on and on about how tired she was too (she has a 12 month old)

    damn fertiles and their fertile-ness. grrrr!

  9. oh.my.god!! I would’ve drank too!

    I’m so sorry, I was just thinking about you this morning, but i figured you wanted some space from your last post.

    I hope your appt with the RE goes better, gives you some hope…

  10. Feel free to print out the post I wrote about pregnant complainers. I titled it Diary of a Mad White Woman! You might want to send it to your friend. Well, maybe not. Not if you really like her, but still…it could prove useful in the future.

    I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I had a similar situation the other night. I had told a friend, “you can tell me everything ’cause I’ll be happy for you.” Um, lie. Then I told her off BECAUSE she included me in her ridiculous baby update. We’re not friends anymore, but she’s no real loss. Some people make the cut in our lives and some don’t. She was fired.

    Seriously though…we need to stop saying this to friends and family. We’re all lying and it ends up hurting us in the end. I think it’s okay if they know that they need to “water down” their updates when speaking to us. We are, afterall, grieving.

    Hang in there and enjoy the rest of your weekend.

  11. Aw hun, I’m so sorry. People just don’t get it. I’d have gotten drunk too. (((HUGS)))

    ICLW

  12. With friends like that, you are better off drinking with hubby.

    So sorry.

    Jo

  13. That sucks.

    So sorry (*hugs*)

  14. that sucks. that really sucks. more salt in our gaping emotional wounds.

    So sorry.

  15. oh sweetie I am so sorry. That sucks.
    ((BIG HUGS))

  16. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I just had a loss myself….and it is such a difficult place to be.

    ICLW

  17. I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this. After 2 m/c’s I know how insensitive people can be. My favorite moment was when my SIL brought out the old ‘relax and it will happen’ line while we were at a family member’s memorial service a few weeks after my second m/c. I think that some people just have no inkling of how to handle being around someone dealing with that kind of pain.

    I hope things get better for you soon.

    ICLW

  18. I totally get that. Except my moment came from my husband. He came home one day last week and told me that 2 of his friends had gotten their girlfriends pregnant. I wanted to divorce him right then and screw like jackrabbits. I told him apparently that was the trick, and to not tell me things like that, as it made me insanely bitter and angry. Thanks. I’ve been alternately crying at work and melting down at home for a solid week. Hope things get better for you, but if not, stop by. I like margaritas.

  19. I totally get that. Except my moment came from my husband. He came home one day last week and told me that 2 of his friends had gotten their girlfriends pregnant. I wanted to divorce him right then and screw like jackrabbits. I told him apparently that was the trick, and to not tell me things like that, as it made me insanely bitter and angry. Thanks. I’ve been alternately crying at work and melting down at home for a solid week. Hope things get better for you, but if not, stop by. I like margaritas. ICLW

  20. That stinks. It’s weird how stuff like that happens, especially when you’re not expecting it. Sorry about the BFN too…in the meantime, enjoy the drinks. I enjoy a few on my in between times, sometimes, too. ICLW

  21. I am so sorry! I felt exactly the pit in your stomach when there was that awkward silence. I really think that this mini-vacation will be good for you. Try to find some peace and fun with DH. We are all here if you need anything! Good luck with the Femara too!!

    -ICLW

  22. […] can’t do anything. He thought we were going to take a break. After last month’s BFN and my friend’s disastrous pregnancy announcement, I had a meltdown. During this meltdown, I apparently said that I was tired of this, didn’t […]

  23. Popped in from the crème de la crème list.

    A friend of mine told me about her miscarriage (already has 2 kids, no troubles at all), and though I made all the right noises and said all the right things, a little voice in my head said she’ll still have another child before me. And lo and behold, she’s now in the second trimester. Cue mad cackling laughter (in my head). Of course, I’m happy for her, but sad for me.

    These incidents just turn the knife, don’t they.

  24. Here from CDLC!
    I’m sorry you went through this. It really is such a strange experience b/c you can almost feel it happening in slo-mo, asking yourself if it’s really happening. In the year before my IVF, I think I knew of 15 pregnancies or something like that of ppl I knew in real life. It really makes for a teeth-kicking even if it’s not a real kick.

    p.s. congrats on babybird, she’s gorgeous!


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