Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | March 16, 2009

bad

I woke up Saturday morning feeling strange and self destructive. I know I said I would wait until Monday, but I couldn’t. I tested with a digital and nearly immediately the words “Not Pregnant” showed up. And again yesterday. And again today. It’s 13 dpo and I’ve pretty much lost hope. My symptoms are diminishing. The bbs are less sore. I know I’m not pregnant. I know this cycle failed and I’m so fucking angry. I keep thinking about all the things I’m going to do in a few days when AF starts. Margaritas. Coffee. Diet soda. Wine, brie, and really good bread. Any medicines I want (I’m talking advil, excedrin, and imitrex, nothing bad). Perhaps I’ll paint our bedroom. I can go to the gym. More wine.

I’ve been in a grumpy mood all weekend. S finally picked up on it around mid afternoon on Saturday. “Are you in a baby funk?” he asked. I didn’t even bother answering. The tears just came.

We had dinner on Saturday with his parents and I cried in the car most of the way to their house. He went in and told them I took a test and it was negative and asked them not to ask questions. Of course I didn’t know he had told them that so I spent all of dinner anticipating the questions that they inevitably ask.

I know the odds are shitty. Each cycle I get more and more desperate and more and more discouraged. I’m so sad. Saturday night before falling asleep I had a massive cry. I wailed and wailed while S rubbed my back and kept telling me it would be okay. But it’s not going to be okay. It’s never okay.

We’ve done the work. We have put in our time and money. Why can’t it work for us?

I apologize if I’m quiet and not commenting for a few days. I need to figure out how to deal with these feelings.

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Responses

  1. Oh Birds, I’m sorry. You should have gotten that magic ticket this cycle. I’m sorry you didn’t.

    I hope you find something that makes you happy again soon (not just alcohol :). Take some time for yourself and try to feel better.

    ((Hugs))

  2. Oh, I wanted to make sure that you saw this.

    All You Who Hope posted the link to this study the other day: http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/den482v1

    It talks about how PCOS women have similar fertility rates to non-PCOSers but often their fertility is delayed. As we age and our antral follicle counts go down to ‘normal’ levels, we actually become more fertile.

    I don’t know if this study will actually help you out any, but it seems to be good news over all.

    It makes me think of my neighbor that took 9 years and an HSG to get preggo and now has 3 teenage girls. She thinks it was the HSG, but I’ll tell you, she is a dead ringer for PCO in my opinion. So she might be a classic example of what this study is getting at.

  3. Babe I am so sorry. I prescribe one pint of Chubby Hubby. I have been feeling for almost a month now that I just don’t care anymore. Like I’ve used it all up.

  4. I’m sorry about your heartbreak and let down.

    I’m not sure how much fertility medications you are taking, but your situation sounds alot like mine. I produced a whole bunch of eggs, but they wouldn’t ever get big enough (over 18mm) It took me taking 2 hmg & 2 fostimon shots for 7 days before I produced eggs big enough. I ended up having 6 eggs over 18mm so the doctor had to pre-warn me about selective reduction. Maybe your doctor needs to up you meds to make you eggs get larger. I wish you the best!

  5. I’m so sorry. Do whatever you need to do to feel better, and please take care of yourself

    (((hugs)))

  6. I’m so sorry. Just coming off a BFN myself a few weeks ago, I have a real sense of the pain you’re going through. I wholeheartedly agree with your self-prescription of wine, great cheese, diet soda …oh, and the gym (that should have been – but wasn’t – part of my post BFN pick-me-up plan :).

    I’m thinking about you and hoping that your appointment on the 20th brings some clarity.

  7. I’m SO sorry, I know that doesn’t change anything. Thinking of you ((HUGS))

  8. This just bites. I have been in your shoes and know how you are feeling. I may very well be there myself in about 10 days.

    IF blows.

    Hugs,
    Jo

  9. […] I feel so awful that I can’t do anything. He thought we were going to take a break. After last month’s BFN and my friend’s disastrous pregnancy announcement, I had a meltdown. During this meltdown, I […]


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