Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | March 5, 2009

torture by blackberry

I think the Blackberry may be one of the more painful inventions for us infertiles. I spent most of yesterday getting email updates every half hour from a relative whose wife was in labor. About twenty five people were sent frequent brief twitter like updates “sent from their BlackBerry Wireless Handheld” like these:

-Driving to the hospital now to start the induction!

-We’re in the room. Just got the IV started!

-She’s starting to feel contractions!

-They just broke her bag of waters!

-Waiting for the epidural!

-She’s starting to push!

And so on. I’ll spare you the rest. It made me want to vomit. After the fourth email, I was tempted to respond to all with a “please unsubscribe me from this list” message, but I didn’t want to be completely rude so instead, I silently read each one as they came and died a little bit. I suppose a sane person would have deleted them without reading, but I’m also nosy, so I couldn’t do that.

Finally, there was the last one: “She’s here! X pounds, Y ounces! Both mom and baby are doing great!” along with the obligatory photo of exhausted mom holding slimy baby. I know they are excited. I wish I could be happier for them. I hope that when I finally have a baby (note that I’m being optimistic and saying when, not if), I am sensitive to the fact that not everyone wants to hear about when I’ve lost my mucus plug or the exact moment that my water breaks, and not just because they might be queasy about gross stuff.

I think what hurt me the most was that a relative that I used to be close with kept replying to all and saying over and over how excited she was. This person knows about our infertility and the miscarriage, and she knows how devastating it has been. She’s very busy lately and hasn’t called or emailed in the past month or so to see how I’m doing or what’s going on with treatments, yet she has the time to gush over this baby and is including me on her enthusiastic email responses. What the fuck? Is she just not thinking? Is she really that insensitive? Does she not care?

I know, I know, it’s not about me. But it hurts. It’s a silent, deep hurt that I can’t share with anybody except here on my blog. I don’t like that infertility has made me bitter and self centered. But sometimes you have to be a bit selfish just to get through it.



  1. Unfortunately I just don’t think breeders “get it”. They can’t imagine anyone not being excited about a baby.

  2. Oh, how depressing. It’s hard not to be selfish when you are going through what we are going through. It’s your entire future as a woman and a family, we just can’t take it lightly. I think I have gotten jaded to the point where I feel that most people haven’t had to ‘work’ hard enough for their babies like we have to. Insane, I know. But I can’t help it.

  3. I can totally identify with you. I, too, would have sat there reading each one because I was too nosy not too, and yet didn’t want to be rude. . . .


    You would think that a RELATIVE who is having a baby would be a bit more sensitive. . .and would limit those updates to those who really needed them. I can’t imagine even those friends/family who aren’t in your situation really wanted to sit down to their in-box and see a thousand messages of delivery play-by-plays.

    No offense at all to your family, but this particular relative seems like a bit of a bore (not as in boring, but in the old-fashioned, English sense of the word!)


  4. *hugs* it just stings. how it stings. It shouldn’t, but it does.

  5. Man, that’s pretty crappy. It never ceases to amaze me how self-centered people can be, as if they can’t possibly take a moment to think about how someone might feel getting that message. I’m sorry you had to get the play by play. (I am sure I would have read every one of the messages, too.)

  6. Okay, the words “mucus plug” need to be erased from the universe. How sick are they?!

    I’m sorry you had to get all of those updates. Megan is right, breeders don’t get it at all. I try to remind myself that I’m stronger due to my struggles with IF, but who am I really kidding? I don’t want to be strong. I want a goddamn healthy baby made during a passionate moment of climax. Is that too much to ask? Huh, universe? Huh?????????

    Thinking of you….

  7. i’m waiting for those messages in the next few weeks from my devil SIL. I’m so sorry you had to get those. And i hear, my in-laws have been so out of touch with my DH & i since the miscarriage but i’m sure they’ll be the ones to call and give us all the flippin details…

    Thinking of you…

  8. I’m sorry, that still stinks. I have a friend who’s barely talked to me since her baby was born in October… it stings a bit, and I know what you mean.
    Sorry 😦 (*hugs*)

  9. Oh, that is just wrong! Sending it out to 25 people? Don’t people know not to “reply to all”? Sorry you had to be subjected to the blow-by-blow details. I think we all relate and can understand exactly how you feel.


  10. I don’t think I could have held my tongue (or fingers in this case).

    I’m sorry you had to deal with this.

    People who “appear” to be sensitive lose all sense of propriety when it comes to situations like this.


  11. I would have had to read them too. But seriously, who wants a play by play? That’s just weird.

    Hey, I had to witness the most grotesque display of fertility ever the other day. A GIANT wall of adorable baby photos. My companies client event was at this kid’s health and body museum and there was a section about babies of course. Like a 20’x30′ wall of pics complete with a baby crib display and some other stuff I couldn’t walk by fast enough.

  12. um…yeah….i don’t need to know that information about anyone. MAYBE my little sister, but she’s already told me that she’s never having kids anyway. so. i’m happy just to know after the kid came. that’s great. thanks.

    …and i honestly think that people who respond to all needlessly are retarded. do they think that we *really* need to know how excited they are like 10 times? um. no!

  13. I would have read every note too, but I’m constantly surprised by people who are so confident that others want to hear EVERY detail. Seriously?

    I’m 10dpiui today…….how about you? How are you feeling?

    The progesterone supps are super messy, but I kind of prefer them to the prometrium. The prometrium seems to build up, and then I get headaches….the two are probably completely unrelated, but in my mind….they are…..

    Thinking of you, and hoping that this is your cycle (oh – and mine too 🙂 )!!

  14. TMI!!!! Facebook and twitter have really given everyone permission to lose their manners and consideration of others. People just have no filter anymore. Anyway, I’m sorry you had to get all those messages…hopefully you will soon be in a position where you, too, could tell the world about your labor & delivery (not that you would).

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