Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | February 17, 2009

good and bad

I, like many of us, have been following both April and Emily‘s IVF cycles, hoping hoping hoping that both of them would get good news. One of them got good news. One of them did not. I am so happy for April and yet so heartbroken for Emily. I don’t even know what to say.

It really is a rollercoaster of emotions that I have for all sorts of my bloggy friends and acquaintances. There has been lots of good news lately.  Another Dreamer is pregnant with lovely doubling betas. Stacey is pregnant with great betas. Niki‘s gestastional surrogate is pregnant with great betas. Marcie from soulcysters is pregnant on an unmedicated cyle after having to stop injectables and IUI after losing insurance coverage. Forgive me if I’ve left anyone out.  There seems to be a bfp train starting and it’s great! But, it’s also bittersweet for those of us who aren’t on that train and keep getting bfn after bfn.

I am so happy for each and every bfp I hear about (well, among the IF  community at least), but there’s also that panicky feeling of being left behind, and I’m not so proud of that. The train is leaving without some of us. Whoa, wait for all of us! I know it doesn’t work that way. There is no fairness, no certainty, no “putting your time in” guarantee, and that’s scary, and once you get that elusive bfp, there are different and new worries. I don’t know how to deal with that. I get hope from the bfp’s I hear about, and that’s what I need to focus on.

My husband is out of town for another 4-5 days. I’m alone again, which could be part of the reason why I’m in a funk. We had a boring Valentine’s day weekend. He was sick, I think I am getting his cold, we didn’t do anything special or get each other anything. I don’t really care about Vday anyway. I’d rather we do something nice for each other on some random day.

I’m starting to think even more that I didn’t ovulate. Today would have been 16dpo if I ovulated when FF thinks I did. No period, no spotting, a small drop in temps, and another bfn. Yes I POAS again, even though I knew there was no hope. It was a “just to be safe” test, so I could feel okay about taking cold medicine should I feel sicker.



  1. It’s kind of hard being left behind. I feel like that every month when some friends in the blogging community get BFP’s or continue with their pregnancies when mine is gone. I always support my friends no matter what. Sometimes, it may take me a day or two to say congrats, but I do.
    But I keep hanging in there.

  2. I know what you mean. Where do we get our passes to get on the train? Very excited for everyone….but jealous…..:)

    My husband was sick on Vday too. We were going to go out for dinner, but instead got pizza. Sweet.

  3. i totally get you. it is hard. all of the bfn’s suck. we’ve only been ttc for three years, but it has seemed like forever: 1 molar pregnancy, 2 d n c’s , 6 failed IUIs, 1 failed IVF…we needed all of that before we were successful. and even now i cannot be worry free. having a molar pregnancy puts you at high risk for another one. it’s creepy and scary and IF on top of it all sucks.

    😦 i really want you to get pregnant.

  4. I was so sad to hear Emily’s news today too, but there have been a lot of positives lately and at least someone around here is getting them.

    So is Strongblonde the same as April’s Broken Bits? How did I miss that?

    Like I kinda said earlier in one of my posts, I would almost feel guilty of cheating or something if I get a BFP quickly, but really, I would cheat, lie, and steal to get one of those BFPs.

  5. I hear you! My SIL just texted me today saying she got two pink lines. The sad part was, she didn’t seem that excited (She’s had 2 miscarriages and one healthy baby). Even with that BFP, there’s more waiting and worrying.

    Anyway, I hope the time passes quickly and that you can sleep next to your DH again 🙂

  6. Feeling envious of those you care about might just be the worst feeling EVER! I hope hearing about pregnancies will get easier, but it hasn’t yet. 😦 Again, at least not for fertiles.
    I’m not on that train yet either and won’t be starting my next IVF cycle for at least another 2 weeks. Just a blog away…

  7. I hope it happens for you soon, babe. It is a lonely wait sometimes. But every IFer that gets a BFP makes me so happy.

  8. I definitely know the feeling of being stuck in the station while the train is pulling out, all the pregnant and parenting people on board.

    Sorry that your husband has to be gone again. I hope the time goes by fast.

  9. {hugs}
    thanks for caring 🙂

  10. (*hugs*) I hope you get a BFP soon. I know how you feel, and I understand. I have felt that way many a time myself.

    I hope time goes by fast and that your DH is home in no time.

  11. Bird, I am just swinging by to say hi.

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