Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | January 28, 2009

the toy store breakdown

CD 17 today. Still no smiley face, even after the EWCM the other day. My temps are still low. I think perhaps my body won’t ovulate without a trigger shot. I hate my body. I hate the waiting.

S is the godfather of our friends’ new baby. She was born two weeks ago and we still haven’t sent them a gift or anything. I told S it was his responsibility to get them something off the registry or some kind of gift. I could have easily done it, but he needs to be involved, and selfishly, I can’t handle it. It was also their three year old son’s birthday, so S wanted to go to a toy store and pick out something to send him. We went the other night after we went out to dinner. I knew it would be bad, especially in my current depressed nonpregnant/rest cycle/not sleeping state, but it had to be done, so we went. Thankfully the toy store was empty, so there were no kids running around. I wandered around the store, thinking about the things I would want to buy for my child, if I had one. S picked out two things and bought them. Then, in the car, we had a fight.

I was really quiet on the way home. S thought I was mad at him and kept asking what he had done to piss me off. I was looking out the window trying not to cry. Finally I roared “I’M NOT MAD AT YOU, I’M JUST REALLY FUCKING SAD THAT THEY HAVE A BABY AND WE DON’T”. That shut him up for a minute. Then he starts getting on my case about my sleeping problems lately. He suggested that maybe I should see a sleep specialist. I told him that they’ll just want to give me sleeping pills and I can’t take anything because we are trying to conceive. I know he’s worried about me. I wish I wasn’t such a mess too, but it feels like there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t mean to take it out on him. I try to put on a happy face for him, but sometimes that takes too much fucking energy.

He’s right though. Shitty times are even shittier when you aren’t sleeping. And it doesn’t help that it’s cold, dark, and miserable everywhere I go. I need a change. I need sunshine and warmth. I need a vacation. I need some hope. I need to feel happy, even if it’s just for thirty seconds. Unfortunately I don’t think any of those things are going to happen anytime soon. I have got to try some different things to help with the sleep problems. I need to find a routine that works for me. I just can’t shut my mind off.



  1. I think it’s ok to take non-narcotic sleep aids like ambien (but get the CR version if you do). Your primary can prescribe these for you, no need to see a sleep specialist. I had to take ambien after me and dh got married. I literally couldn’t sleep with him for months till I got used to it.

    There might even be some safe over the counter stuff… I know you can buy melatonin supplements, they are probably ok since your body naturally produces melatonin.

    I don’t sleep very well lately either. It’s the worry and the BBT and I seem to be hot all the time lately for some reason.

    Sorry about the toy trip, I’ve had a very similar fight with my husband several times. This is tough stuff. Someday, somehow, you’ll get to buy toys for your own baby too. I know it.

  2. I take Melatonin and it really does quiet my mind so I can sleep, but doesn’t leave me all groggy.

    I’m so sorry about the store/fight. Sometimes men don’t get it…and even if they do, they tend not to recognize when it is that it’s hitting us.


  3. as a nurse, we give ambien to our patients all the time. Try it. Things are much easier to deal with after a good nights sleep.


  4. I am sorry that you had a melt down. It really is sucky. The previous comment sounded very helpful though, I would look into the ambien. I am sure that you just need to get a good nights sleep. You have to shut your mind off for a good 8 hrs. That definitely is not to say that you are not entitled to your feelings and the occasional break down. We all need to let these things out so that they don’t break us.

  5. there are other nonpharmacologic things that a sleep spec can recommend. “sleep hygiene” types of things. but i will say also that depression can lead to issues sleeping. 😦 just something to think about. at the beginning of my IF i actually went on meds b/c i was so depressed and i was only sleeping like 2-3 hours per night. it wasn’t good for anyone!

  6. Definitely talk to a doctor. There might be more “allowed” than you think. Even if it is for a few nights only or every once in a while. Your body being sleep deprived can contribute to depression, which can contribute to sleep problems, etc.

  7. Talk to a dr. I bought melatonin and it said NOT to use when TTC.

    Girl, it is time for therapy I think.

    If I were you(and I practically am), I would play those cds I told you about every night, I would try aroma therapy- and get a nice lavender cream to put on at night. Insomnia is a whole problem on it’s own. My poor schmoopy.

  8. It sucks when you can’t shut your mind off. I hate it.

    I like to try that Sleepytime tea, then a hot bath and some candles. Try to get myself into a relaxed, calm state of mind.

    I don’t really like tea, and I’m not sure if it really works, but I’m fairly impressionable. If it says sleepy on the box, it has to make me tired.

  9. First, hugs to you!! Lack of sleep makes everything a million times worse, plus those thoughts that come in the night are worse than they will seem in the daytime. I had major sleep issues during my first year of IF, combined with depression (I didn’t realize at the time). I wish I had looked into it more or started therapy earlier, because it led to LOTS of wine-induced sleep, sleeping with the TV or radio on, and lashing out at my poor husband.

    I hope you find something(s) that can help you sleep and feel better. Take care.

  10. I’m so sorry — I am in such a similar place right now. My sleep is restless and full of disturbing dreams. I’m mad at everyone. Can’t seem to really feel things — sort of numb.

    Our men take our sad moods so personally — I guess it’s because they just want to take our pain away (problem-solvers that they are) but are helpless to do so. It comes from a place of love, which is what I try to remember when my husband and I have almost the exact fight you had.

    I love Kirke’s suggestion — just reading it made me sleepy! Hot baths always do the trick…and could you try to get into a book? I always feel like when I’m involved in a good story it gives my mind somewhere to go and something to look forward to.

    No matter what you do, I hope restful sleep and a hopeful mood come your way very, very soon.

  11. word!
    I’m sorry you aren’t sleeping. You’re completely right that not sleeping magnifies all of our problems. I hope you get some rest soon. I only shop for baby stuff online these days.

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