Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | January 26, 2009

what we lose out on

There are a lot of things that make me angry about infertility. The thing that I am currently most pissed about is that we lose that naive joy of normal pregnant women. What joy is there gets replaced with worry. After the worry about medications and IUIs and “Did I actually ovulate?”, there’s the worrying about peeing on sticks. Worrying about the initial beta once you get a second line. Worrying about doubling betas. Worrying about bleeding. Worrying about that first ultrasound, if you’ll see a heartbeat – not that I’ve ever gotten that far. Then after that, I can imagine it’s worry about when to tell people. Then there’s worry about that anatomy scan, the amnio, then potential preterm labor, stillbirth, and other complications. As if we aren’t going through enough damn shit already. How many infertile women do you think are able to relax and enjoy their pregnancy when they finally do get pregnant? If you are one of those lucky ones, please, share some tips with us all.

I was thinking about a friend, who knows that when she gets pregnant again she will be on bedrest basically the entire pregnancy. She knows this because of her previous loss of her daughter. She has to plan to spend nine months flat on her back doing not a whole lot. I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around that. It makes me mad that her pregnancy will be so stressful, and I wish I could make that different for her. We are all going through so much to bring a child or two into our families, and I’m really angry that a lot of us won’t get to have that ingorant bliss of those pregnant bitches walking around the mall with their baby bumps. I’m particularly grumpy today, probably because I could not sleep last night. I finally was able to fall asleep around 4am. But, like my dead grandpa always said, “What is, is.”

I’m 15 dpo today. Still no smiley face yesterday, but this morning while wiping (TMI alert) I noticed things were extra slick and even saw something that might actually be EWCM! I haven’t peed on the ovulation predictor test yet today, so who knows. I had some cramping around my left ovary last night, which is where two out of the three cysts were. I’m going to have to make sure S and I make some time for bding tonight.

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Responses

  1. hey girl…this is the first time i am taking a rx prenatal. i usually just took the over the counter ones, but supplemented with some extra folic acid daily. when my acupuncturist recommeded that i add fish oil, i talked to a few people who said that when it was incorperated into the PNV that you didn’t get the gross burpy side effects…. so, you’re not a fraud 🙂 i think that the OTC ones are fine. i just didn’t want to add MORE pills to my daily regamin. i was already at 6!!! plus all of the silly shots on top of it all.

    i really understand your post today, too. it makes me sad. i was able to get pregnant, once, and have labs drawn, but that damn first US was killer. no yolk sac at all….and that started all of this maddness for me. 😦 i wish that we could just be happy go lucky and ovulate normally and experience this the way that it was meant to be. 😦 hang in there. we’re pulling for you.

  2. even with all of that extra stress and worry, we’ll never be the insensitive woman in the room, ya know?

    it stinks that we have to struggle and worry and wait and stare at TP every time we wipe, but i think it makes us appreciate more and hopefully when that baby comes home, it’s more than worth it.

    Sorry, i’m in a ridiculously optimistic mood. and i’m on CD 58 or something, lame!

    Hope you see that smiley face and catch that egg!!

  3. I work as a nurse in L&D. Everyday I see women who have no clue. They had a oops pregnancy, they are on their 3rd, 4th, 8th baby. They don’t get prenatal care, they take drugs, they drink, they don’t take care of themselves. But there they are, giving birth. With no complications. I look at them and I am envious. Envious of their certainty that everything WILL work out just fine. Envious that their bodies seem to work just fine, and that mine isn’t Envious that they didn’t have to suffer through a miscarriage. Envious that they don’t know a thing about basal temps, and OPKs and EWCM.
    But I hang in there, hoping that I too can get to where they are. At the end of this journey, with a baby in my arms.

  4. I hear you. The loss of the naive joy is just one more thing to grieve. It alternately makes me angry and sad.

    As for the last part of your post, you better pee on a stick girl, that all sounds like telltale signs of ovulation to me!

    Mo

  5. I’m sure I’ll still be so extremely excited the first time I see those 2 pink lines, but knowing the reality of the situation will put fearful thoughts into my mind.

    I think I’ll become a cave dwelling hermit when/if I become pregnant so that I don’t have lie about why I’m gaining weight. I’m pretty fat so I figure I’ll have a while before people grow the balls to start asking why I’m getting fatter (assuming I don’t have public bouts of morning sickness).

    And then, I don’t ever even intend to have a baby shower. I don’t think I could stand to be around a bunch of morons asking me, “When will we see #2?” and other dumb and inappropriate questions.

  6. I really hate that we’ve lost that innocence (some might call it naivete — since 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, even the non-IF should be a little more worried). I spent the few weeks I knew I was pregnant as a total basket case and sadly my worst fears came true. However, here is what I tell myself to get me through: that we’re paying upfront. That we may have lost our innocence over pregnancy, but then we will avoid some other experience as a result — maybe we won’t be the ones with troublemaker children. I know it’s a stretch but it works for me to believe.

  7. You are right. Pregnancy will never be a simple thing for us. It is very unfair. I don’t even think that the “other” people know what they have…

  8. It is SO unfair, and very true. We know too much, I think. Just yesterday I was telling my husband that if we ever do get pregnant, I don’t want to find out the sex. Because, I’m never going to have the surprised joy of finding out I’m accidentally pregnant, or be able to tell unsuspecting family/friends we’re expecting. At least something can be a damn surprise.

    I feel terrible for your friend – how do you EVER get used to the idea of 9-mos bedrest? Poor thing.

    Hang in there!

  9. Amen. When does the worrying stop?! There is always one more scary appointment to get through, one more test results to receive and one more stressful wait.

    The other thing about being an IFer, is that we are WAY more in tune to what our bodies are doing. I was talking about ovulation pain with a friend today (a new mother) and she said, “Huh, I’ve never noticed that.”

  10. Having learned the art of worry from my mother at a very young age, I totally agree with your assessment. I know that one of these days I WILL GET PREGNANT again (thinking optimistically here) and I will worry every day until that baby is safely in my arms. Then there are all the worries once the baby is actually here. Oh, Lordy.

    ICLW

  11. I really hear you. I get so pissed about other people’s blissful ignorance a lot. Like someone else here said, at least we’re not the insensitve people in the room.

  12. I hear you. It is so hard. Both wanting a child ourselves, the lonliness of infertility, and in my case, really not wanting my friends to ever feel this pain, but having such a hard time with their happniness.
    My friend is pregnant with identical twins, and just got her good amnio results back. One line on her blog just really hit me hard. “We are really bonding with them, talking to them, laying hands and heads on my stomach.” I just want that us, and myself so badly. One more IVF with my eggs, which we can’t afford, and then DE that we can’t afford…ugh.

  13. Anger & worry are definitely two of the hardest things to deal with in IF & watching other pregnant people around you.

    ICLW

  14. you know what else really sucks about infertility? it removes your ability to be happy for other people who are pregnant in order to make more room for it’s own miserable self. i hate not being happy for people who deserve it.

  15. I hate that too. Infertility sucks. Loss ruins things forever too. Hang in there.


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