Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | January 15, 2009

why can’t i be happy for them?

S just called me and told me that our friends had their baby yesterday. A healthy girl, easy delivery, blah blah blah. At first I felt nothing. Completely numb. Then the sadness and tears hit, after I got off the phone with him. I really really want to be happy for them. I do. They are great people and are wonderful parents. And still, I feel nothing but jealousy and desperation. They got pregnant the month after we first started on clomid. For both babies, they got pregnant quickly and had no complications. Becoming parents has been so easy for them. I’m glad that they haven’t had to go through what we are still going through, but I’m also jealous. And I feel like a terrible person and a shitty friend because I can’t feel happy for them.

I tried to explain to S last night why I felt so awful. I feel so left behind. I feel so desperate. Infertility has completely fucked me up in the head. I feel like I’m never happy anymore, like I don’t have the capacity for happiness until we get to have a baby. Every day something happens that reminds me of what we don’t have and may never get. Maybe someday, if we are able to have kids, we’ll look back on this time and forget how awful it was.

Of course, S, being a guy, gets annoyed with me and tells me that being sad isn’t productive and isn’t going to get us any closer to a baby. I told him that every cycle that fails is like a little death and I need to grieve a little bit before I can move on. This rest cycle is so frustrating too, because there is virtually no hope, and the delay of treatment makes me feel even more desperate. I am clearly not in a good space right now. I can’t stop crying.

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Responses

  1. I hope you feel better! Sending happy thoughts your way!

  2. i’m so sorry. ((hugs)) i can relate…

  3. My thoughts exactly. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is not fair. It sucks and you have every right to feel every feeling you are feeling. I don’t think a man could ever understand what you are feeling (I know my husband can’t) because all of this is happening to you, your body, your hormones.

    Hang in there. Just take it one day at a time.

  4. You feel like all of us feels. It’s just so hard. Of course you don’t wish bad things on anyone. It just really sucks.

  5. It’s true, men just cannot fully understand.

    I am so sorry Boo, how you feel is normal. We are all there at different times. I HATE seeing other women with babies. I wish I could move somewhere with no babies anywhere. I saw a very pregnant old co-worker and ran away. I am dreading tomorrow because I know there is a pregnant woman coming to work that I am going to have to talk to.

    I can only suggest what works for me, which is cheerful NO BABY movies. Or vampire novels.

  6. Hi there,
    I’m so sorry you’ve been having a rough week. This all just sucks so much, of course you are feeling upset. I have come to realize men DO NOT feel the same we do about the pregnancy and birth announcements of friends. For some reason they just really separate it from their own situation. So many times my husband has said to me “I just don’t get why you can’t be happy for them. Their fertility doesn’t hurt our chances”.

    But, it IS painful, and I live in terror that my little sis or bf will get pregnant before me, and leave my teeny-tiny club of people without kids. How you are feeling really is normal. And I’m sorry.

    Don’t feel pressure to do the whole baby gift thing. Definitely shop online to avoid evil-baby stores, or send a gift card to somewhere generic like Target so they can pick stuff out. Or, just a card. Hahah, I’m giving you your own advice, to be more of a bitch!! 🙂

    Thank you for your comments about my MIL and her annoying behavior. I need to get a backbone much of the time with her, so it’s a good reminder.

    Take care, and I hope you have an OK weekend.


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