Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | January 9, 2009

delete, delete, delete

I just did a horrible thing. I deleted probably 8 blogs from my google reader. I deleted them because they were pregnancy blogs. They were blogs I added back when they got bfp’s in the spring and early summer. None of them were blogs I was particularly attached to reading. I did not comment on them regularly (or probably ever), but they were some of the first blogs I subscribed to when I started paying attention to Lost and Found Connections. At the time, it gave me hope, and I was curious about what the whole early pregnancy process was like.

I deleted them. And I don’t really feel too bad about it. I couldn’t take another damn “I’m 32 weeks pregnant, here’s a belly shot, I’m so happy, here are the nursery colors, I just bought this cute chair, we got soooo much stuff at our shower, blah blah fucking blah” post.  It’s something that I struggle with, because we all want it, we’re all trying really hard to get it, and when we do get it, I’d like to think that we’ll still all support each other and find hope in each others journeys. Now, let me be clear – these were not people whose blogs I read while they were struggling with bfn after bfn, or miscarriage or ectopic or anovulatory madness. There are tons of bloggers who I will still definitely follow once they get a bfp, and I will be truly happy for them. I’m just really struggling right now with pregnancy envy. Of course, that is to be expected after getting yet another bfn, but it’s compounded by the fact that a lot of the women on a message board I follow are almost all pregnant. These are women who started clomid at the same time or after me. One of them is being induced next week. It is such a painful, concrete reminder of how long this process takes, and how quickly you feel left behind. Jealousy is ugly, and I’m not proud of the way I feel. It’s just so hard to see someone who has what you want and to know that you may never get it.

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Responses

  1. I’m sorry about the bfn. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

    i used to be on babymed but left b/c of that very reason. people were getting pregnant after being on for 2 weeks or months and i couldn’t read about it all anymore.

    ((hugs))

  2. Don’t feel bad. If anyone would understand, it’s another IFer.

    I am okay with my jealousy, I am not running for Most Saintly Infertile. I had some gigantically pregnant breeder at work yesterday. She said “I want to get this book for my husband.. he’s been so good to me blah blah my pregnancy” So I was thinking “Up yours, I do not care. Want to hear what a good sport MY husband has been about jerking off on demand into a cup?’ She was a little miffed that I was not all dancing in her circle of life.

    Anyway, my point is that our blogs help us cope and reading about successful pregnancies is freaking depressing sometimes because it is never ever us.

    If I was starving people would not show me pictures of ham sandwiches and expect me to get happy. “Oh look… a ham sandwich and I am STARVING, do you have any pictures of CAKE?”

  3. Yep, read or don’t read, whatever makes you happy. Most people who get pregnant seem to understand that, and many will write to their readers that they understand completely if their readership changes as a result of pregnancy.

    I’m sorry this is so hard for you. I think I’m finally getting to the point of it not hurting soooo much (I guess four years will do that). It is never easy, though. Or, maybe I’m just in denial!!

  4. You know what. I totally understand what you are saying. Everytime I hear that someone is pregnant the little devil and angel pop up on my shoulder. The angel says, “Suck it up and be nice. It’s not her fault you can’t get pregnant. You should be happy for her.” The devil says, “Screw her. Cut her off. Don’t talk to her anymore. Secretly hate her. It should have been you.”

    Lately I have been listening to the devil. It’s just self preservation.

  5. Amen. Understood. Agree.

    I have a blog listing on my site and I need to do a little house work there. I tend not to list blogs of preggo women (with a few exceptions). There are a couple of blogs I truly enjoy reading, but I just don’t list them because they have “moved on”. And some of those pregnant bloggers are just so freaking annoying “OMG, someone told me I look like I’m carrying twins! I’m only 30 weeks with a singleton!” They need to get over it big time.

    Honestly, pregnancy blogs are just not as interesting. I still check in from time to time on some to make sure it’s going ok, but I want to read about people like me for the most part.

  6. Don’t feel bad! I did the same thing recently and I also focused the last iclw on adding some TTC blogs (which is where I found you!) because it seemed that my entire blogroll went from TTC to BFPs…except for me.

    I have vowed that if and when it happens for me, I refuse to make a single post with a picture of a seed, squash, melon or other food product to show how big my baby is, followed by a complete description of that week of my pgcy. For some reason those posts piss me off!

    GL to you, though!

  7. I am really starting to feel left behind as well. These days I am avoiding face*book for the same reason — so tired of feeling “lapped” by the rest of the world.

  8. I’m sorry everything is so hard right now. I don’t follow many knocked up blogs either. It’s like 8th grade-I look at the high schoolers, I want to be one, I dream about what it would be like to go to high school, but ultimately, they are on a different campus right now. We’ll graduate; unfortunately our ovaries are on the short bus so it takes longer

  9. I’m so sorry about the bfn. I don’t blame you for deleting those blogs. Do whatever you have to do. If they are an IF-er, they will understand. You just take care of you.

  10. AMEN. Don’t feel bad for a second. It’s your blog, you can write what you want, read what you want and delete what you want. Your first obligation is to yourself.

    I’m so sorry about the bfn. Yes, jealousy is an ugly thing, but it comes with the territory. Don’t beat yourself up – you’re not a bad person, just going through some incredibly difficult stuff.

    Hang in there – you could very well be in the next crop of bfp’s!

  11. Ok. So I don’t have to feel bad about my ‘deletes’ either now. Thank you for coming clean. You are not alone.


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