Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | December 22, 2008

mad at everyone and everything

I am realizing just now that I have been in a foul mood for the entire last week. I have avoided phone calls with nearly everyone except my sister because I cannot seem to keep my anger to myself. I end up taking it out on others. I am so full of bitter angry thoughts that I’m afraid to speak. I can understand logically that I am angry because of the miscarriage and looking to place blame, but there is nowhere to place that blame, except on myself and my stupid body. Over the weekend, I stewed in my anger, and while I didn’t exactly take it out on S, I was so negative and full of pissyness that I think I frightened him. He didn’t quite know what to do with me. On Thursday, before the food poisoning hit, I actually cried in the car on the way from the restaurant because S told the waitress that he didn’t want any baklava. I really wanted baklava, but I felt like I would be the biggest pig in the world if I spoke up and said yes, I’d like a piece. I cried. Over baklava!  He thought I was seriously nuts.

Yesterday, my mom called, and reported on the memorial service and boat trip they took to scatter my grandpa’s ashes. This is the same memorial that I missed out on because my uncle decided he wanted his son (my teenage college student cousin) to be there, so it would have to be postponed until his holiday break from school, which of course would mean that I wouldn’t get to be there since I flew out the week after he died. Whatever. I thought I let go of that anger, but apparently not. Anyhow, I got angry while my mom was talking because I asked if anyone mentioned the fact that I was unable to be there.  Apparently not. No one mentioned me, or my absence, and that pissed me off. It pissed me off that while they scattered his ashes, no one had prepared anything to say to remember him. It pissed me off that I didn’t get to be there to say goodbye. It pissed me off that since I’ve moved across the country, apparently my entire extended family has forgotten about me. It pissed me off that everyone is making a big deal about my uncle’s pregnant wife. I hate Christmas. I hate family. I hate everyone and everything. I am so full of anger that I frequently have to squelch the urge to throw something heavy across the room. I know that this anger will fade, but for now, I am shocked at its intensity. For those of you who have had early losses, how long did it take for the severe anger to fade? I apologize for putting so much negativity out there, but I just can’t stop myself.

Lucky me, the terrible nurse drew my blood today. She’s done it twice, and they’ve both been very painful. She literally digs around with the needle. I felt like screaming at her “Let me do it myself. I’d do a better job than you.”  My ultrasound was somewhat uneventful. During the ultrasound, the screen was turned a little too far for me to be able to see much. She said I have a 12 and a 10mm follicle. I go back Wednesday. I get to increase 112 IU for two nights. She said she thinks I’m on track for an IUI early next week. The other nurse had said she was hoping for Saturday. I don’t know if I even care anymore. Maybe it’s time for a break. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone right back into another cycle after the miscarriage.


  1. It is SO hard cycling after a miscarriage. Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel however you feel (including disengaged). Take care,


  2. Babe, I totally agree that you should have taken some time off. I just did not think it was my place to say so.


  3. I’m right there with you — I feel for you, I really do. There is a lot to be angry about when it comes to having a miscarriage. It’s not fair. I think the person above is right…we need to allow ourselves to go through the whole cycle of emotions, whatever they are, and not worry about feeling them. I think this will pass soon, I really do. In the meantime, don’t worry about not being totally enthusiastic about this cycle. You will find a way to be hopeful when the time comes — I really believe that. And even if you don’t, our feelings really have no effect on the outcome. People keep telling me that and I’m starting to let myself believe it. Anyway, thinking of you.

  4. I would be so tempted to get right back into it too. I used to tell my girlfriends the best way to get over a bad relationship was to get out there and meet someone new. Unforntunately that usually resulted in me drinking too much on date number three and crying over keg beer (I was a cheap date.) I guess one does need time to process.

    I will join you in your foul mood. Room for one more?

  5. I’m so sorry you are having a hard time right now. I don’t have any advice about the anger, but I think it’s completely normal and justified. Just take care of yourself during the holidays…at least they will be over soon?!

    Take care.

  6. I’m sorry about all you’re going through. I’m really sorry that you are regretting this cycle, but maybe something good will come of it. Call me Pollyanna, but I’m always going to hope for the best even everything sucks big time.

    I used to take out my anger on Sprint customer service reps.

  7. {hugs}

  8. Sorry your having a hard time right now. Sending you some cyber hugs and thinking of you.

  9. Many hugs my dear. Family sucks in general around here. I say just go ahead and throw something a glass or a fit either one works. I usually feel better and they walk a little farther from me. I’m probably not the best person to give advice on reigning in anger. 🙂

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