Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | December 17, 2008

moving along

I went to my ultrasound appointment this morning feeling very down and lonely. I didn’t sleep much and was worried about having to get up extra early so I could shave my legs. I haven’t worried about my husband seeing my very hairy legs (it’s been at least a week and a half), but I’m mortified at the very thought of the nurse seeing (or rubbing up against) my forest while inserting the dildocam. I was going to wax, but with all the blood and pain, I couldn’t begin to think of tackling that job.

Of course, there was a lady at the RE check in counter with a six week old baby. Now, normally, it would be kind of nice, and give me hope that I could end up with a baby too, but after recently losing this pregnancy, it was the last thing I wanted to see. It didn’t help when both receptionists came out too ooh and ah over the baby for ten minutes, while I was waiting to check in. I got to hear about what a great baby she is, she sleeps all the time, blah blah. I felt like throwing up.

I don’t know if there’s some special post it note on my chart or something, but for the first time today, the nurse that put me in the ultrasound room got out this special disposable pad thing to put on the table, which was a very good idea, since I’ve never had an ultrasound with this much blood coming out of me before. That was oddly reassuring, like maybe they actually do read the charts and are on top of things like a miscarriage.  The nurse that did the u/s was the pissy nurse that I’ve only spoken on the phone with. She was odd. She made some awkward comment about being sad about the results, then she sort of stared at me, like to see how I would react. I just wanted to get the wanding over with so I didn’t say anything. She did the ultrasound and I saw several cysts, presumably left over from last cycle, but she said they were small and she didn’t think they would interfere with starting this cycle. Okay, great. What size cyst will cause them to cancel a cycle? I’ve had cysts at the start of the last two cycles, and my heart stops beating when I see them on the monitor, thinking oh fuck, this is it, I have to sit out this cycle. And so far, they haven’t been a problem.

I got dressed and waited in a consultation room for her to come back with the medication plan. I asked her lots of questions. I asked about changing the dosages to try to get more than one mature follicle. I asked about timing with the IUI and their shitty holiday closure schedule. She thought about it for a few minutes, then decided to have me start the follistim on day 3 (tomorrow) and stay at the same low dose as last time, 75 IU for five days. She said that since I got pregnant on that dose, we should stick with it. I was a little irritated, because to me it seems that you should try to learn from the response in the previous cycle and tweak things accordingly. Last cycle, my follicles grew slowly, then stalled twice, then took off once they doubled the dose for three days. I don’t have much confidence in her. If things work as she wants them to, I’ll come in for monitoring on the 22nd and 24th. They are closed on the 25th, 26th and 28th, with a half day on the 27th. The hope is that by the 24th the follicles will look good enough and I’ll trigger Christmas night for an IUI on the 27th. That’s really cutting it close.

I feel pretty numb about the whole miscarriage thing. I guess numb is better than the gut churning anger and sadness and disappointment.

My husband comes home tomorrow, if he can get through with the storms we are having. I will be very happy to have him home.

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Responses

  1. I’m glad you were able to get information about the next cycle.

    Thinking of you!

  2. I’m glad to see that your getting back on the horse so quickly. This has got to be so difficult.

    I’m kinda pissed at your RE office too. You’d think he would want to consult with you after last cycle. Can you book an appt specifically with him so that you can make explain keeping the same protocol? This makes more trouble for you, but it might make you feel a little better about this cycle. Just thinking.

    I hope your hubby makes it home safely and on time.

  3. Ugh, I am SO glad my RE’s office has a POLICY of NO BABIES during business hours. You aren’t even allowed to bring older children to wait while you have an appointment. Ugh.

    I’m glad you don’t have to sit out this cycle, that is good. I HATE cd 2-3 ultrasounds, they are humiliating. I always apologize to the ultrasound tech and they always tell me–they have seen worse.

    Hugs.

  4. I’m glad your husband will be home soon. With my miscarriage I was pretty numb for the longest time… upset and wailing at times, and completely numb at others. Sometimes I would just stare at the wall and do nothing.

    I’m glad you got to talk about this coming cycle, and discuss possible protocol changes.

  5. Oh, I’m so sorry. Sorry about the loss, about the pissy nurse, about the waiting room baby, about having the dildocam while you’re bleeding, about the cysts, and especially sorry your husband is out of town.

    Any one of those things is a misery, but all at once is just too much for one person to handle.

    I hope it’s all up from here. All up.

  6. Babies in the waiting room p*ss me off. Im sorry but it does. Sending you my love xxx

  7. Dude, I am serious, you are spending too much money to not feel confident. Call back and ask to speak with someone else about what you said.

    Also, NO BABIES AT THE RE. NO.


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