Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | December 15, 2008

welcome to the club

Thank you all so much for the comments and support. I’m doing a bit better today. The cramping has started, and a little bleeding today, so I’m expecting the next few days to be miserable. I was supposed to go with S on a business trip today through Wednesday, but I decided to stay home. The only thing worse than going through all this cramping and bleeding and uncertainty about a possible ectopic, would be doing so in a strange hotel room four hours from home and my doctors. So, I’m on my own for a few days, which I was upset about at first, but now I am kind of looking forward to. I’m a pretty solitary person, and I feel like just holing up at home and sitting with my cats. Speaking of which, my 18 pound Maine Coon mix just crawled into my lap. He normally will sit next to me on the couch, but just now he curled up right on my lap. He must know that I’m sad.

I texted my mom, sister and aunt and told them that it’s not a viable pregnancy, and that I didn’t want to talk for a few days. Perhaps I’m weird, but when bad things happen, sometimes I just don’t want to talk about it. I knew that I would end up having to comfort them, and that is absolutely fucking exhausting. Nothing they could say would make it better, they would probably say things that would piss me off, and I just felt that it was better for me to get through the worst of it on my own. A few days earlier my mom kept saying things like “God doesn’t make mistakes” and “when it’s your time, you’ll get your baby”. I don’t mean to offend any of my religious readers, but over the past few years, a bunch of bad shit has happened to my family, beginning with my father’s death, and it’s made me bitter and has left me questioning my religious beliefs. It’s a post for another day. Anyhow, what she said pissed me off, and I felt like screaming at her, and saying “if it was God’s plan to put S and I through all this horse shit to try to have a family, and then thought it would be fun to tease us by letting me get pregnant and then taking it away, well fuck that. I don’t want to believe in that kind of God.”  I am pretty angry. I realize that a lot of people are comforted by their religious faith, and I respect that, but for me, right now, I’d rather believe that bad shit is random and has nothing to do with “God’s plan” or “fate”.

Hope is such a messed up thing. I knew not to get too excited about the bfp, but it’s awfully hard not to, after going through all the treatments and finally seeing those two lines (for several days on different brands of pee sticks), and feeling  the typical pregnancy symptoms. For those of you out there who have had early miscarriages, how bad was it? How much bleeding and for how long? Did you get started right away on the next cycle? My beta was so low and it was just a few days, so I’m hoping that the bleeding won’t be much worse than an actual period.

The nurse who called and gave me the news is one of the IVF nurses. Apparently when there’s bad news to give, a higher up nurse gets to give it. She said that if my hcg level goes to zero when the bleeding begins, then we can go straight to the next cycle, but if it doesn’t, we have to sit out a cycle. Now, because of the PCOS, I don’t have cycles on my own. Have any of you had cycles return after a miscarriage? Have any of you conceived in the cycle following a miscarriage?

Yesterday I asked S what he was thinking. He told me he was more disappointed than he expected. He said he saw how happy I was for those few days, and he just wants me to be happy. He said that his mind went to strange places, like what our baby would call his parents, and who the baby would look like. I’m glad that he shared that with me. He’s not so good about talking about his feelings. He has been extra nice to me, giving me lots of foot rubs and extra kisses, and even made a special run for Ben and Jerry’s coffee heath bar crunch for me. I love him.

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Responses

  1. Oh, birdsandsquirrels, I am just so sorry for all you are going through. I suppose I should apologize for telling you I would pray for you. I in no way meant to offend you, especially since I’m trying to make a new friend. (and one that might know EXACTLY what I’m going through and be potentially close enough to meet IRL). Please forgive me if it seemed insensitive.

    I will tell you that I’ve been where you are. Our daughter Grace was born at 24 weeks and died eight days later. Since then we have suffered infertility due to PCOS for the last year and a half. When we finally did get pregnant, we had two early miscarriages.

    In terms of the logistics (since you asked) the bleeding wasn’t all that bad for me. With my first miscarriage, my beta never made it past 24. That bleeding was heavier. My second beta was a 5, and that felt like a regular period. Mostly, it was emotional. I was angry. Pissed. Didn’t talk for about 3 days. That was the worst part for me.

    I don’t want to write out all the other details about how I’m dealing with the PCOS, etc. but when you are ready, and if you want to talk it over with someone, please feel free to email me. indianaopenwindow at yahoo dot com

    I’m just so sorry for you. This sucks. And for what it’s worth, I don’t believe this is God’s plan. That’s a bunch of sh*t. Someone said that to me when Grace died, and I promptly smacked them. Literally. Hard. No one has said that to me since. If someone else says that to you, let me know. I’ll take care of it. *hug*

  2. Oh pumpkin.

    My m/c was at about six weeks. It was no worse(physically) than a heavy period. In fact, I was surprised at how like a normal period it was. My dr. said that was because I had so much spotting leading up to the m/c.

    The worst thing was the fear that it would hurt more. My dr. was not helpful( I call her Dr.Satan)about what to expect. It was so scary not knowing how it would be. But the physical part of it was not terrible.

    I got those adhesive pads that you stick on yourself and they give off heat.

    I also just kept taking Tylenol.

    I wish I had demanded a D and C. The worst part was not being able to forget even a little because I kept having to change my pad. It was just an awful, constant,graphic reminder of what was happening.

    The first period after that was normal. We did not ever conceive after that though. Just the once in almost three years.

    Be gentle with yourself.

  3. I’m glad that you have S. to lean on and that he got you Ben and Jerry’s.

    My mom says similar things. Her favorite is, “Offer it up.” As if there is a great big tally sheet and one day God is going to say, “Finally… Kirke has suffered enough.”

    I’m sorry it has to be so hard. It’s not fair.

  4. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now, and it’s wonderful that you are taking it easy for a few days. Sometimes I’m the same way – just wanting to be alone.

    Take care.

  5. I always knew text messages were good for something. I hope you enjoy your solitude.

    I’m stealing from kirke here, but it’s not fair. You and S deserve a baby. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m here for you.

  6. arg. 😦

    i also hate the “god’s plan” responses…. i really don’t believe that it is god’s plan to give children to people who are homeless and addicted to drugs and not to people who work really hard for a child. how can THAT be a good plan? i refuse to believe it.

    i was at 9 weeks, had a d&c and barely had any spotting. it was like it was all just gone. magic. very strange. either way i think it hurts a lot.

    *hugs*

  7. I get it. I was the same way with my micarriage…but what did my family do? They CALLED.

    I’m sorry you are alone during this time however. There was some comfort in knowing that “Barney” was at least home if I needed him.

    Sigh.

  8. Oh hon 😦 Your post says everything that Im thinking. It’s so hard knowing that you are finally pregnant, yet it’s not going to give you that baby that you dream of. Such a horrible feeling. Sending you my love xxx

  9. oh i can’t say anything that hasn’t been said.. just know i’m here and i am so very sorry. hugs.

  10. I found you thru lost and found…

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this loss. I went through a similar one this spring and it was HARD!

    You asked how bad the bleeding–from my own experience, the nurse said it would be like a period, but I’m sorry to say it was much worse–i think the sadness made it worse–but the cramping and the amount was different for me.

    I understand about not wanting to talk about it for awhile. Do waht you need to do to take care of you!

    Best of luck for the future.

  11. I’m so sorry. Incredibly heartbreaking. Truthfully, my last cycle I was relieved to have a neg beta rather that a low beta. Part of becoming educated about this process is knowing that this is the likely outcome of of a low beta. Sucks. Just plain SUCKS!

    Sorry you’re getting platitudes from your family. Yuck. NOT helpful.

  12. I’m glad you have a big hunk of a kitty to provide a bit of comfort. I, too, recently had a loss (ectopic, but it began with a low beta).

    In terms of cycles and so on, from what I’ve heard the rule is that there are no rules. It took me 3 months to reach zero hcg (a common outcome of ectopic nonsense) but I still had regular bleeds.

    Don’t believe people who try to dismiss your grief by referring to the will of some deity. Sometimes, good people suffer while really awful people thrive. While there’s little comfort in this, at least it takes the heat off of you. You didn’t do anything, and you’re not on some divine being’s shit list.

    Sending i-hugs your way.

  13. I am very sorry that this is happening to you.
    I totally understand you not wanting to talk to your family about this now, it makes sense. It’s exhausting to try and comfort others when we feel so empty.
    Good that your jhusband is there with you, comforting you. You are truly in this together.
    ((hug))

  14. I am so sorry. I wish I had the right words to make this hurt less, to make it go away, to make it turn out the way it should be. Take care of yourself.

  15. I just got bad news today too, so obviously I literally feel your pain. I am going the “natural” route as well…and I’m scared too about what to expect. I hope it goes easy on both of us. Insult on injury is really unnecessary right now.

    Email me directly if you ever want to talk about it. Thinking of you.

  16. We were so saddened to learn of your recent loss. Sometimes, even when we do everything we can to have a healthy baby, something goes wrong. People who experience miscarriage may feel alone and have many questions. These people need support, answers about what went wrong, and a way to think about the future.

    The March of Dimes assembled a bereavement kit for people who have experienced a loss any time from conception through the first month of life. If you would like a free bereavement kit sent to you, please click on this link . http://www.marchofdimes.com/aboutus/bereavement_materials.asp

    All the best,
    Anne


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