Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | December 12, 2008

the northern sky looked like the end of days

I hope hope hope that this sick feeling in my stomach is true nausea due to rising hcg levels and not because of the stress of waiting for the phone call that will tell me if my 3 days of being honest to goodness pregnant is over.

I got blood drawn at 11:30. I wanted it to be as close to 48 hours as possible. The lab guy recognized me from the other day. He didn’t even draw my blood the other day, but somehow he recognized me.

I wanted to stop time and hold on to the hope that I’ve only allowed myself in snippets. After the blood draw I went to Walgreens to buy pregnancy tests. And then I went to Target so I could buy more pregancy tests. Because it would be weird for me to buy boxes and boxes from the same place, right? At least that’s what I was thinking. I know you guys said to put the pee sticks down, but I wanted to see them turn darker, and see a less sensitive one turn.

Once I was in Target, something came over me.  It was the middle of the day, and there were all of these young midwestern baby machine moms with their kids and their huge pregnant bellies shopping. It occurred to me that this might be the last day I am legitimately pregnant, if the second beta results aren’t good, so why not buy something baby, you know, because I can today, but I might not be able to tomorrow. I pushed my cart full of saltines, cat litter, and two boxes of pee sticks over to THE aisle. The BABY aisle. The one that had made tears well up in my eyes so many times over the past few years. What was I drawn to? Socks. Tiny socks. I threw a 3 pack of the cutest baby socks I think I’ve ever seen into my cart. Immediately I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like such an imposter. I quickly hid my pee sticks under the box of crackers, so no one would look in my cart and say, “Why are you buying baby socks when you don’t even know if you are pregnant?” Then I imagined the hypothetical conversation that I would have with the rude, nosy hypothetical person, explaining that yes I’m technically pregnant, but barely, my numbers are low, and I’m buying these tests so I can pee on them whenever I might need reassurance that I’m still pregnant. I am nuts. Clearly.

I also found an adorable University of Michigan onesie. I had to throw it in too. S will love it. If not for this baby, for our eventual one. Is it terrible that I am so hopeless? I feel like this is totally accidental and fucked up that I actually got those two pink lines. I don’t deserve them. I know I injected fifteen hundred dollars of follistim into my belly, had numerous ultrasounds and bloodwork, and the IUI. It’s not accidental. It is fucked up that I got the positive so late and that the beta was so low. I wish I had the blissful ignorance of a fertile person.

I’m now at home, waiting for the results call. I am listening to the Death Cab for Cutie song , “Grapevine Fires”, on repeat. It’s quite soothing.

Bought some wine and some paper cups
Near your daughter’s school when we picked her up
And drove to a cemetery on a hill, on a hill

We watched the plumes paint the sky gray
She laughed and danced through the field of graves
And there I knew it would be all right
That everything would be all right
Would be all right
Would be all right
Would be all right
Would be all right

It’s comforting to hear over and over that everything will be all right. I know it will be, either way. At least I hope so.



  1. Wow, I am crossing all my fingers that the beta is rising and this is for real. I think if I were in your situation I would be the same way…to scared to believe it.

    Sending you calm and hopeful thoughts as you wait for the phone…

  2. I just found you through Lost and Found. I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you while you wait.

    I have to admit that I giggled a little when you talked about being in Target with the midwestern baby machine moms. And smiled at the U of M onesie. I wonder if we live close to one another? We just moved here to G.rand R.apids and I don’t know anyone. I did go to U of M for undergrad and masters, though. Anyway, if you need a friend, stop by or send me an email.

    Thinking of you, and looking forward to following along to lend support and friendship.

  3. […] I don’t care if she buys a few baby things here and there, hell I’ve done it too (remember the socks?). I was afraid she was going to say that she had bought some things with our future baby in mind, […]

  4. […] are the socks I bought that day in Target a little over a year ago, the day that later in the afternoon, I would find out that the beta was […]

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