Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | December 5, 2008

losing hope is easy

Warning: A lot of whining and complaining follows. Click away if you wish. I need to vent.

Today is 10 dpo. I got up to pee at 4:30am and tested. BFN. Of course. I know it’s early, but I’m pretty sure this cycle didn’t work. I really tried to prepare myself for the negative test, but it was harder than I expected. I coudn’t fall back to sleep. My temp dropped .1 degree, which could mean nothing, or it could mean my progesterone is dropping and my period is coming in a few days. My breasts are not quite as sore as they have been the past few days, so again, maybe that’s the progesterone dropping.

I hate this. I hate everything. I’m feeling like I’m never going to have a baby. Of course this cycle won’t work. At best, it’s a 20% chance. Other statistics I’ve read for IUI and OI are 18% and 12%. Why bother? This cycle cost us right about $2000. For a shit chance. I’m debating asking to do a Femara and timed intercourse cycle next cycle. Sure, the chances are lower, especially because of the morphology issues, and who knows if it would even make me ovulate, but insurance would cover a lot more if we don’t do IUI. It would be a step backwards, but I don’t know if I can take the stress of the monitoring and injections again right away, knowing how much it costs and that it probably won’t work. Should we just jump to IVF? Could we even figure out a way to pay for it? Lately at least 5 women I’ve followed on message boards have managed to get pregnant on break cycles, or with surprising responses to meds that had failed to work before. One woman has two kids through IVF and was convinced it would take IVF again, but her second cycle on Femara worked and she is pregnant with her third child. Maybe I’m just grasping. I’m feeling very low right now, and I’m feeling like I’m letting everyone down. What is wrong with me? I had at least one great follicle, and several smaller ones. The IUI sperm count was fine. My lining was the best it has ever been. Why couldn’t this work?

Of course, I am also torturing myself by watching baby shows I set to DVR while I was gone. I want to like Deliver Me, since I like  Discovery Health’s show Birth Day, but something about it seems so fake and artificial.  Why do I watch this horse shit? It really is torture. Most of these bitches get pregnant easily and have their babies without complications. I don’t mean to be so mean towards normal women. I’m just very jealous.

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Responses

  1. I watch that stuff too, for HOURS. I actually asked Mr.Mostly to block Discovery Health Channel but he forgot. I only watch it alone though, I don’t like to show my crazy to Mr.Mostly. I keep that crazy for when I am alone.

    I think you are totally normal to feel like this right now. You are spending a lot of money and that by itself is nerve racking. I am a basket case on natural cycles by ten days post O. I cannot imagine throwing extra hormones into the mix.

    Your blog is YOUR BLOG. You use it how you need to so you can function in the real world.

    There is nothing wrong with staggering your cycles to give yourself a break.

  2. I’m sorry for the rough day…it can just be so sad and overwhelming at times.

    Take care.

  3. I’m sorry for the rough day…it can just be so sad and overwhelming at times.

    Take care.

  4. I am pouring you and me a big imaginary drink right now. Guaranteed to have you on your ass and feeling great. We will get so drunk that we will drunk dial pregnant friends and say things we cannot take back. This is a bad idea, but we won’t care cause we’re drunk, and it feels good.

    Cheers.

  5. I’m jealous too.

    I’m so discouraged with the whole process. If you asked me to throw down 2,000 for anything else that only had a 20 percent chance of being successful, I would never do it.

    It’s still early days yet. I’m not giving up hope for you yet.


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