Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | November 18, 2008

on my own (with pepper spray in my pocket)

Just barely over a year ago, our house was broken into. In broad daylight. While I was home. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. I think I’ll have to save the actual recap of that for another day, because whenever I think about the details of that day, I start getting panic attacks again.

I mention this because my husband is out of town on a business trip. He returns tomorrow night. He has a job that used to require a lot of travel, but for the past year or so, he hasn’t traveled very much. He knows that I now hate to be alone at our home. He has moved into a position of managing more projects than actually working on them, so he only traveled for probably six weeks this past year. That’s a huge drop in travel, considering that four years ago, he managed to travel to all 50 states in the US in one calendar year, most of that for work.

I used to be so independent.  I took one summer in college and drove across the country and back by myself. I spent ten weeks camping by myself, staying in hostels, sleeping in my car sometimes, and generally having great adventures. This was before the age of cell phones. It was on that trip that I met S. It was an amazing experience that made me feel like I could do anything. What the hell happened to that girl?

Now, when I’m at home by myself, I keep my bottles of pepper spray  (yes I have several) close at all times. I don’t sleep much. Every little noise makes my heart beat fast. Whenever somebody rings the doorbell or knocks on the door, I nearly have a heart attack (that’s how the break in started). It really fucked me up. After the break in, we stayed with my in laws for a month. We weren’t sure if we could ever come back here. We seriously thought about putting our house on the market because we couldn’t imagine ever feeling safe here again. It took a while, but I generally feel okay here, except when S is away. I have managed to go with him on many of his trips in the past year, but there are times when it doesn’t make sense for me to go. So I tough it out alone. With my pepper spray.

It really fucked up my cat too. We only had one cat at the time, and when it happened, I was so worried that he might have ran out the front door while the police were searching the house. I couldn’t find him for hours. I was sure he was dead, hit by a car on our busy street. We searched and searched the house, and I eventually found him up high in our closet, burrowed under S’s sweaters, his eyes huge and his heart beating so fast even hours later. He now freaks out at any noise.

They say that stress can make infertility worse. I wonder how much impact it really causes. I never really got any help last year. I called my insurance and got a referral for a therapist, but when I called, she wasn’t accepting new patients. I was so irrational and upset that I fell apart on the phone and couldn’t get up the nerve to call my insurance to get another referral. Is it too late? Should I still try and see a therapist? I know that I’m fucked up in the head, but I almost don’t want to open that can of worms and relive it again. I went to a grief counselor three times after my dad died, and it was not very helpful. Maybe it was just that therapist was not right for me, but I just found myself saying the things I thought she wanted to hear instead of letting myself feel the pain.

I have a massage in about an hour. I am very much looking forward to it. Today is cd 9. Tomorrow morning I go for the big ultrasound and bloodwork to see if the follistim is working. I have been feeling really tired the past two days, and I feel a bit swollen in the ovary area, so I am hoping that I’ll have some nice big juicy follicles to trigger, but not too many so that the cycle gets cancelled.



  1. I am so sorry. I cannot imagine.

    Please please try those cds I told you about. My therapist( I am saving you 150 American dollars here) said that stress causes your uterus to contract.

    You can reteach your body to relax with those cds. You can subconciously (spelling?) teach your body to calm itself.


  2. […] make things more interesting, my husband is going away on a business trip for a week, and thanks to the break in a year ago, I sleep even worse when he’s gone, and I have serious anxiety. When he is gone, my typical […]

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