Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | November 14, 2008

what about my husband?

S came with me the other day for the baseline ultrasound. We both needed to sign the consent form, so he met me there and sat in on the ultrasound. It was a little weird for me, having to take off my clothes in front of him in the exam room and get in the stirrups. We’ve been together for six years, and I’ve taken my pants off many a time for him, but not for the purposes of getting a wand shoved up there to check my ovaries. He probably had never seen stirrups before. He was fascinated with the ultrasound machine. I was worried that he might touch one of the many buttons and cause some chaos and get yelled at.

When the nice nurse came in, he got to see, for the first time, my uterus and ovaries. Later that night, it occurred to me to ask him what he thought about the whole thing. Was it interesting? Did it make it seem more real? Did seeing all the pictures of twins and triplets lining the halls freak him out? Like many men, he doesn’t talk much about his feelings, and it’s impossible to get him to talk unless he’s in a talking space. He wasn’t in a talking space that night. He did say he’s not freaked out, which is a good thing. Sometimes it takes him a while to process things and then he’ll blab on and on, usually at a time that’s inconvenient for me, or if I’m distracted. I’m waiting for his thoughts to come, and I’ll let him talk about it if and when he wants to.

S and I haven’t always been on the same page about having kids. We were best friends for three years before we began dating, so he knew all the good and bad things about me ahead of time. He knew I was baby crazy, even back then (10 years ago!). He knew I wanted kids, that I needed kids. When he first told me he had feelings for me, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to open that can of worms, because he had told me previously that he didn’t care if he ever had kids. He told me then that he knew I wanted kids and that he would be committed to being the best dad he could be. Then a year later we broke up because he told me that he wasn’t sure about having kids and didn’t want to waste my time.

Obviously we ended up getting back together and got married, but there was a period of time that we were off. I told him that was a deal breaker for me. He told me that he had thought he was okay with it, but then he started seeing little faces in his mind, and it made him want to run. He was freaked out because of the responsibility, and he was freaked out about passing on his genes. He is a cancer survivor and has a family history of weird cancers, and he was worried about our kids getting cancer, that it would be all his fault if that happened. Over the years, he has become more comfortable with commitment and the idea of kids. Our cats have helped. The other day I heard him calling our kitten “mr. cutie pants”. Our friends’ kids have helped him realize that kids are fun and cute and amusing as hell.

But I still want it more.

I want this way more than he does. I have always wanted children. I was ready to be a mom ten years ago. I love kids. I’ve learned so much from teaching young children. I can handle a class of twenty five year olds, I could handle twins. He says he wants it because I want it, but he’s not one of those guys who can’t wait to be a dad. He gets the urgency of our situation and our ages, and he’s comfortable with trying now, but he doesn’t want this as much as I do. He could probably live child free and be okay. I could not. I worry what all of this stress will do to our marriage. So far, it has brought us a bit closer, but I can see if it drags on for year and tens of thousands of dollars, that it could be a huge strain on our relationship.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: