Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | November 11, 2008

Today is my 34th birthday

Wow. I remember when I started my first cycle of clomid last March, I was hoping that I’d be pregnant by my birthday. At the time, 9 months seemed like a perfectly reasonable goal. When I left my gynecologist’s office with the clomid prescription, I felt dangerous, like we might actually possibly get pregnant on the first cycle! I knew it was not a likely thing, but considering that I never ovulate on my own, and the clomid would make me ovulate, I was optimistic. That first cycle, I ovulated late, on cd 20. When I saw my gyn for a followup about that cycle, he was optimistic. Don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant. Let’s try a higher dose for 7 days this time, to make you ovulate earlier. He told me that people with PCOS are actually pretty fertile, once you get the cycles straightened out. Ha. I’ve now gone from being hopeful 9 months ago to jaded and even more sarcastic than I usually am, and have moved on to the fertility clinic. Not pregnant by my birthday. Not even close.

In those nine months, no fewer than five people in our close lives have announced pregnancies. I keep getting email updates from one couple, about each and every fucking ultrasound. It’s a girl! We are thinking of naming her BlahBlahBlah (my favorite girl name, of course). She yawned! Oh my god it was the cutest thing. And they know (not by my choice) about our infertility. I know that people don’t know how to treat us infertiles, but really, I don’t want to hear about each ultrasound. It makes my heart break a little more, especially since her due date would have been around mine if our third clomid cycle had worked. Why did it happen for them but not for us? Yes, I am bitter. And I know I need to work on that.

I got excited yesterday because I had some brown spotting. I thought my period was on its way! But today, nothing. Not even a tinge. What the fuck? I was all ready to call the fertility clinic and set up my cd 3 ultrasound in a few days. Now I wait more. I hope it will start later today. I’m having some cramping now, so maybe that’s a good sign.

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