Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | November 7, 2008

my mom told our secret

Yes, my mom, who swore on my dad’s grave that she would not tell ANYONE about our infertility struggles, has now apparently told someone, but “doesn’t remember” doing it. I got a call from my aunt, the one who visited recently and is one of the five people we decided to tell. She told me that she got a phone call from my uncle’s wife, asking how our fertility treatments are going! My uncle’s new, pregnant wife, who I’ve met exactly twice, knows that we are doing fertility treatments. My dear aunt asked where she heard that, and learned that my mom had told my uncle, who then told his new wife, who apparently has no discretion or sense of privacy. My aunt told her that we are very private people, and that my mom was not supposed to tell anyone, and asked her not to tell anyone else, but the damage is done. This is what I was afraid of. I should have known better than to tell my mom. She has a very hard time keeping a secret, but she SWORE she understood how personal and devastating this is, and she would not tell a soul.

The uncle’s twenty weeks pregnant wife told my aunt that she understands exactly what we are going through, that she almost had to take clomid too, and she has a bunch of friends that had infertility problems. She said “Have her call me!” This woman got accidentally pregnant in high school, has a teenage son now, and within a month of dating my uncle got pregnant. She then miscarried and got pregnant again a month later. I don’t think she knows “exactly what we are going through”. No fucking way. I know she had a miscarriage, and that sucks, but apparently she can get pregnant easily, so no, she doesn’t understand. And no way am I going to call her.

I can’t even think about talking to my mom right now. I’m too angry. My sister called her yesterday and confronted her about it, and my mom was very upset and said that she didn’t tell anyone. When my sister said um yeah, you apparently did, my mom’s answer was that she didn’t remember telling my uncle. She doesn’t remember! Wow, how convenient. I don’t know what hurts more, that my mom cares so little about my feelings that she’s gossiping about my problems, or that she won’t even own up to having done it.

I have a huge family. A huge family that gossips. An extended family that has a knack for saying completely inappropriate things. When my lesbian aunt finally came out to the family and brought her girlfriend to Thanksgiving dinner, my other aunt made an announcement about how they were in love. It was so awkward. Everyone was cool with her coming out, but the way this aunt went on and on about it made them and everyone uncomfortable. That is why I didn’t want to tell people, because I cannot handle getting dozens of calls and emails, or questions at Thanksgiving dinner from people saying “so I hear you can’t get pregnant. How are those fertility treatments going?” I can’t fucking handle it. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone about the first seven months of our treatments. That’s why I was reluctant to tell anyone.

I am supposed to visit them all at some point in the holidays. I hadn’t rescheduled my trip because I was waiting for my next cycle to start so I could plan a time after the IUI to go. Now I don’t think I can go. Or, I should say, I don’t want to. I am an intensely private person, and if I go visit them before I am able to get pregnant, I will be constantly stressed out about when the next person will bring up infertility. I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. To them at least. So I won’t visit. Perhaps that will be a good lesson for my mom.



  1. I am so, so sorry. We have a friend of the family my DH and I both hate. She is so intrusive that we finally decided to be mean right back at her.

    For example, she asked (for the nth time) why we had no children yet and I smiled and asked how the real estate industry is (she’s a realtor).

    Next time she does it I am going to ask if she is dating anyone.

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