Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | November 6, 2008

honeycrisp apples are the best and they are gone

I was feeling a bit depressed yesterday afternoon. Despite being overjoyed about the Obama victory, I had a mini breakdown, complete with crying and wailing in my closet with my cat. It was ugly and snotty. I hate to run out of things, so I generally always keep a healthy surplus of kleenex (well, puffs plus with lotion, to be specific), tp (cottonelle), and paper towels (viva). Apparently I’ve been crying a lot lately and have gone through my multi-box package of puffs plus. I’m lost without my comfortable, non nose irritating puffs plus with lotion.

I don’t know what the hell brought on my crying so much. It could be the hormones, it could be the seven months of clomid, it could be from medication changes. See, I’ve been taking wellbutrin xl for depression for about four years now. In the past couple of years I went down to 150mg a day from 300mg. Earlier this year, my insurance changed its formulary and no longer covers the extended release version, so I would have to switch to a twice a day version. It hasn’t been the same. I’m not so good about remembering to take it twice a day. It doesn’t seem to keep me as even as it had. A few months ago I figured it might be best if I just went off it, slowly of course, since that would be best for ttc. Several doctors had assured me that I was on a fairly low dose, and that it would be okay to stay on during pregnancy, so I didn’t have to do it, but it didn’t seem to be helping anyway. I had some of the extended release left from my stash, so I’ve been slowly tapering down, and am now at every other day. This might well be contributing to my moods and depression. But who knows, how do you isolate a gazillion different factors for why you are depressed? Could it be the mood altering fertility drugs? The isolation? The months and months of disappointment and no progress? The endless stream of friends and family pregnancy announcements? The strain on our marriage? The money the fertility treatments is costing us? My not being able to find a job in my field here? My family and dear friends being across the country?

I probably shouldn’t have messed with the antidepressant, but it wasn’t helping much anyway. I should probably go to my doctor and discuss it with her, not that she’ll be of any help. Last year when our house was broken into while I was home (that’s a good story for another day!), I was an absolute mess for a good month. She wouldn’t prescribe me any anti anxiety meds for my panic attacks, she only gave me ten generic ambien, said I just needed to sleep. Yeah, thanks, that was helpful. I think I’m still pretty fucked up from that. As far as the options, I could pay out of pocket for the extended release brand name version that my insurance no longer covers, or I could double my dosage and get the new generic version of the extended release wellbutrin (that only comes in the 300mg dose). While I wanted to be on the lowest dose possible, I’m starting to think that I really probably should be on the higher dose, since paying out of pocket for more shit isn’t going to work.

It was a beautiful, rare warm November day in my city, so after the tears stopped (temporarily), I drove out to this apple orchard on the outside of town to get some more honeycrisp apples, but they were sold out for the season. I bought some fresh apple cider though. Of course, there were families with kids and babies there. Everywhere we turn, it’s babies. The babies and the families. The holidays. Mel has a great post up about surviving the holidays. I’m going to write out her note and keep it in my purse for the next two months. She is awesome.

Oh and I took another pregnancy test this morning. Negative. My period is being a bitch and will probably take the full two weeks after stopping provera.



  1. You have to buy Alpha Relaxation System by Dr. Jeffrey Thompson, and also his Ocean Waves. I swear to you that they will help. We play them every night when we get in bed. Please please give them a try.

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