Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | October 28, 2008

pregnant people all around me (and it makes me want to hurl)

Over the weekend, I had a bit of a meltdown. One of S’s coworkers is a good friend of his, and we had gone to a party at their house in June, and at that party he mentioned that they were thinking about a second kid. They have a 3 year old oops kid. She’s very cute. We were on our third failed cycle of clomid at the time, and it made me want to throw up when all the women at the party (all moms of course, and most younger than me) started talking about how they planned their pregnancies so that they weren’t due in the heat and humidity of summer. I remember feeling the tears start to come, thinking how fucking nice for you, that you can PLAN which month to give birth. At this point, if I had gotten pregnant, I would have been due in March, which would have been lovely. Now, if I am lucky enough to get pregnant on the next cycle, our first on injectables, I’d be due in August. And you know what, I’d be fucking happy as hell to be hugely pregnant in the heat and humidity.

Fast forward to Saturday, when S and I were sitting on the couch watching our college football team lose, and his coworker came up in conversation. I jokingly asked “are they pregnant yet?” And S says, sheepishly, yeah. I said NO. He said yeah. Repeat that a couple of times. The pain and desperation filled me as I started crying.  I asked how long he had known, and at what point was he going to tell me. He said he just found out this week, that she was about two months along, and that his coworker announced it at a staff meeting. He didn’t want to upset me. They must have gotten pregnant the first month they tried. They are nice people, and I want to be happy for them, but I also want to scream WHY THEM, AND WHY NOT US? I’m going through an angry phase again. Why the fuck is it so easy for some people, but for us, it’s going to COST US A LOT OF MONEY AND PAIN AND STRESS. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I know this is such a lame, overused theme for an infertility blog entry, but damn, why does it hurt so much?

I keep dreading more pregnancy announcements. Especially S’s stepbrother, who just got married. I’m always expecting that they will be having the first grandchild. Why does it have to feel like such a competition? I know I do it to myself. S does a great job at not stressing about things he can’t control, but I can’t let go like he can.



  1. I’m sure you well aware and I definately know that I don’t feel it most times….but you aren’t alone in your feelings!!!! I’ll getting a prego annoucements on average about once a month and it seriously makes me sick. Ya, I’m happy for them but so sad for me. The pitty party favors come out.

  2. Thank you. It helps to know I’m not alone, and that does make it easier. I think this infertility blogging community is so important, because going through this is so isolating, and you guys really are the only ones who understand.

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