Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | October 23, 2008

i can’t wait to start injecting myself!

Is that an odd thing to say? I can’t wait to start injectables. It’s the only thing that has a chance of working, since I don’t respond to clomid anymore. I’m on cd 24 now. Yesterday my temp was up and I thought I may have ovulated, and S and I did bd the day before. Today my temp dropped, so I don’t think that’s the case. It’s been 6 days since I took my last dose of clomid. I am tempted to start provera today, but there’s a tiny chance I could still ovulate. When will this cycle end so I can use my cool new follistim pen!? I used to be so scared of needles, but now I am mostly excited about this medication that will directly stimulate my ovaries. Of course, I will probably cry and get hysterically nervous before the first injection.

I am having serious jealousy issues with a pregnant family member. They just found out they are having a girl, and I’ve heard through the grapevine that they are probably going to take MY GIRL NAME. I realize that I have no control over this, but I’m really bummed, and I hope that they change their mind over the next 5 months. I have a difficult last name to match up with first names, and this name is the name I have had my heart set on for years. I haven’t really told anyone this name, but my aunt knows I like it and sort of forewarned me.

My aunt was very kind and supportive while she was here, but said a few things that infertile people hate to hear. Just relax, think positive, it’s just not your time yet, be open to the universe’s plan, blah blah. The thing that really pissed me off was when she compared our infertility with my uncle’s new wife’s miscarriage. They’ve known each other for ten months, got engaged after one month, got pregnant after two months, then she miscarried, then she got pregnant again a month later and was four months pregnant at their wedding earlier this month. It seems that, in my aunt’s mind, their miscarriage after barely dating and now being pregnant is equal to our struggle with infertility, and they really deserved a baby. Maybe I’m being a little ridiculous, but we’ve done seven cycles of fertility treatments, all bfn’s, and our struggle is a little more serious than theirs. We’ve been trying and failing infertility treatments for longer than they’ve known each other. I know it’s not the pain olympics, and I know their previous, very early, miscarriage must have really sucked ass, but they got pregnant twice, quickly, and I can’t even get pregnant at all. I am happy for my uncle, but it is a painful reminder of what we don’t have, and no one in my family (that I’ve told) seems to understand that. Now they are taking my name! They are taking the spotlight, having the first new baby in the family in decades. I feel so mean and selfish feeling this way, but I can’t stop it. I want to be happier for them, and maybe once I do get safely pregnant I will be able to be, but now, I’m just jealous and bitter.

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