Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | October 6, 2008

emotional mess

The clomid meltdowns have begun, and the stress is taking it’s toll on our marriage. I had wondered when the fights would start. Apparently for us, it’s on clomid cycle number 7.

My major problem is that I have expectations of S, that he will be sweet and nice to me and extra loving since he knows that I’m going through clomid hell. He is normally a relatively thoughtful husband, but not extra romantic or going out of his way to surprise me. I recognize that I’m lucky to have married a great guy. We are compatible in so many ways, but when I am not feeling my best (such as now), I get a little needy and require some extra attention and tenderness. When I don’t get what I need, I apparently become bitchy. At the beginning of this cycle, I gently reminded S that the clomid makes me nuts, and I’m taking a higher dose than ever before, so he should expect some meltdowns. I suggested that we come up with a phrase that he can say to me when I’m getting crazy, before things get out of hand, and we start fighting. I suggested “You seem a little out of sorts. What can I do to help you feel better?”. He didn’t take me seriously.

This led to an argument on Saturday night about dinner. We couldn’t decide where to go for dinner, so S headed into the kitchen and started making something to eat, which pissed me off, because he didn’t even ask me if it sounded good to me, and since I’m feeling nauseous and dizzy, I’m a little picky about food (which is why we couldn’t decide where to go). Things disintegrated into him yelling at me, calling me a bitch, and saying that I’ve been bossing him around all day. And I had. While he watched football all day, I sat on the couch knitting a baby blanket for our friends who are expecting a baby girl in January. I had a lap full of cat and yarn and blanket, so I had asked him to do some things for me throughout the afternoon. I asked him to feed the kitten. I asked him to bring me a drink. I didn’t think I had been unreasonable.

I am bitchy. He knows that I’m going to be. Why can’t he be kinder and gentler to me during this time. I’m the one making all of the physical sacrifices to try to get pregnant, I’m going through the massive mood swings and tears. I’m bloated and puffy and dizzy and nauseous. What I need is some snuggling and foot rubs, not being yelled at and called a bitch. Why can’t he give me what I need? I thought I had been clear about what he can do to help. I know that I need to try to control my outbursts more, but I need his help and kindness.

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