Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | September 15, 2008

The RE appointment

I haven’t written for a while, since nothing has been happening. I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting, with no sign of ovulation, no period. I was hugely disappointed about this cycle (my 6th on clomid) being a bust. For days I was a bitch to S, I avoided phone calls, and generally moped around. Then a strange thing happened. I started to let go. I let go of the expectation and desperation of needing to pregnant right away. It started to occur to me that the RE may want to do more testing, and that I shouldn’t set myself up for hoping to to injectables right away and hope to get pregnant immediately. I may not get pregnant before my birthday (#34 in November), or even by the end of the year. And I don’t know why, but somehow, I am okay with that. I have no idea what shifted my outlook, or how long it will last. It’s been almost a relief not to be obsessing about temping and wondering oh did I ovulate, living through the 2ww. On the other hand, having a wasted cycle is frustrating, especially since I took Clomid.

Our appointment with the RE was today at 2:30. Unlike my ob/gyn’s office where I routinely would be kept waiting for 45 minutes to an hour, we were seen right away, before I could finish signing the 4 simple forms they gave us. I was weighed, has blood pressure taken, then a strange, pregnant resident with a strong Russian accent went over our histories. We were then taken to Dr. Y’s office. He came in within two minutes, was friendly, and talked to me about my hometown (which happens to be a lovely vacation destination in California). He and his wife had been there several times. The pictures of his kids on his desk showed normal, average looking kids, not the flashy, adorable, Pottery Barn perfect kids I had expected in my head. That made me like him more. We talked for about 15 minutes, and somehow I’m okay with his plan to up my clomid to 150mg, trigger and do IUI. I went in thinking I’d insist on trying Femara, but he said that Femara tends to be weaker. Is that bullshit? Does he have some hidden agenda for being anti-Femara? I’ve not read anywhere that it’s “weaker” than Clomid. The loose plan is to try 3 more cycles of ovulation induction + trigger and IUI, checking the morphology when they do the wash, and if no pregnancy, move on to IVF. He mentioned injectables, but wasn’t really positive about them. I was expecting that we might do one more try of clomid then move to injectables, and maybe I’ll have to push for that. I’m worried about what 7 straight months of clomid has done to me.

S was very sweet, and took the afternoon off to come with me. He asked Dr. Y a LOT of questions about his morphology issue, which lets me know it’s been on his mind. Dr. Y said that morphology problems don’t usually vary much from sample to sample, and that unless there’s some sort of exposure to dangerous chemicals that stops, there’s not much chance it will improve greatly. He said that vitamins certainly won’t hurt. I meant to ask about soy. We are both vegetarians and end up eating a good amount of tofu, tempeh, and edamame. Can that affect morphology? There were a lot of questions that I thought of afterwards, but none so urgent that I’d call and pester the nurses. Yet.

I told him about how I’m going out of town for a week, alone, for a wedding in the second week of October, and how I’m worried about timing the provera so I don’t miss this cycle. He said we should be able to do 5 days of provera, get a withdrawal bleed and start the clomid and get the insemination in before I leave, which made me very happy. But after I left his office and looked at a calendar, this will only work if I start bleeding within 4 days of stopping the provera, which I don’t think I’ve ever taken for only 5 days. And, I’d have to ovulate by day 15 to do IUI before I leave, and I’ve never ovulation before day 19 on clomid. I don’t want to waste this cycle, but I am afraid that my body won’t cooperate, and that I won’t start bleeding until a week or so after the provera stops. At that point, do I even take the clomid? S won’t be with me, so it’s not like we can still time intercourse while out of town. Fuck. I was worried about cycle timing when I booked the flight, but I had to go for a week to get a reasonable fare, and S really doesn’t have the vacation time to go. Now this silly wedding for people who are already married and 5 months pregnant is going to fuck up my chance this cycle. I suppose I could cancel the trip at the last minute if it really came down to it.

After the appointment, I asked S what he thought about Dr. Y. He said he liked him. He said “It’s like he’s the quarterback, calling the plays. He’s confident, and took charge, which is what I was looking for.” I’ve read some internet comments about Dr. Y, that he has a poor bedside manner. I can see that. He is blunt, tends to interrupt a bit, and unless I maintain a firm approach to asking questions, I can see that I could feel ignored.

When we got home (we had driven separately), I gave S a hug and said “Despite my shitty ovaries and your shitty morphology, somehow we are going to have a very smart and very funny kid that likes puzzles and traveling.” I feel the need to remind S that I’m the one with the major, initial fertility problem. I get the feeling that he’s not taking the morphology problem well, but doesn’t ever talk about it. I got him some GNC Mega Men’s vitamins that I read about being good for sperm problems, but he doesn’t take them unless I remind him. And then he only takes 2 capsules instead of the 3 that is recommended. That really pisses me off. I went out of my way to find easy to swallow capsules instead of giant horse vitamins, since I know he hates taking huge pills. Sometimes I feel like screaming at him “I’ve been taking mood altering, headache and dizziness causing clomid for six months. I’ve had many painful procedures and tests involving far too many specula, probes, tenaculum and metal cannulas in my cervix, and all I’m asking you to do is watch the heat on your balls and take three fucking vitamins a day. How hard is that?” But I haven’t. Yet.

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