Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | August 31, 2008

the ultrasound with an audience

I am in the foulest mood I’ve been in in a long, long time. I just got back from my cd 16 ultrasound. There has been NO CHANGE in the follicles. There are still a bunch of small ones (4-5mm), a few in the 6-7mm range, and one in the 9-10mm range. No growth in four days. Zip. What the FUCK?

My doctor was hideously late. I waited 45 minutes. When I was brought back to the ultrasound room, there was a nurse, a medical student, and my doctor. This is the first time I’ve had a medical student observe anything. I’ve always thought I’d be vocal about it if it made me uncomfortable, but at first I was thinking whatever, it’s an ultrasound, it’s not like they are going to practice doing a dozen pap smears on me. It turned out to be very uncomfortable for me, and I am mad at myself for not saying so.

I like my nice normal ultrasound tech. She’s efficient, kind, and funny. She lets me leave my skirt on. She explains things. Today the nurse told me to undress from the waist down. I left my skirt on anyway. My doctor is not good with the transvaginal ultrasound wand. He COULDN’T FIND MY UTERUS. He asked me if it was tipped. I said I didn’t know, that he would probably know more about the position of my uterus than I did. He moved the paper drape up and pushed down on my abdomen to try to push it into view I guess. In doing so, the audience (the nurse and medical student) had full view of my lady parts, which started the discomfort. In the past, there has been no overexposure with my nice ultrasound lady. There’s no need.

He took a long time looking at the right ovary, which has been a dud in the past, so I wasn’t super bummed at first to see no beautiful looking big juicy follicles. Then the left turned out with nothing good. He has a quiet voice, so over the hum of the machines, I could barely hear him. He handed the wand over to the medical student, a pinched looking middle aged lady, who kept staring at my labia. That’s the part that made me really uncomfortable. I can understand needing to look to see where to stick the wand, but god damn, you don’t need to keep staring at my waxing job. She eventually found my uterus, and the lining is still terrible (2.3mm). I started tearing up on the table when I realized that this cycle is fucked. I finally got the go ahead to put my underwear back on, and I came back out and proceeded to ask my doctor a million questions. I don’t think he intended to spend time answering my questions right then and there, but I wasn’t going to leave without knowing what went wrong, and if there was anything we could do to salvage the situation. Isn’t there something they can do to nudge things along still? Could I take more clomid? What happens now? Apparently nothing.

He wants me to come back Tuesday. He said a follicle could still take off. If not, then it’s probably a good idea to end the cycle with provera and start anew. I left the office in tears. I’m so sick of their gigantic waiting room that’s filled with happy pregnant people. I’m sick of going up in the elevator with a happily pregnant woman there for an ultrasound with her husband and mom. If you see a husband in the parking lot, the halls, or the waiting room, you know the woman is pregnant. Why can’t that be me?


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