Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | August 7, 2008

waiting again

I’m about halfway through the two week wait, either 7 or 8 dpo according to TCOYF and Fertilty Friend. So far I haven’t been obsessing really, or getting my hopes up. I’m fully expecting to have to call the doctor’s office next Thursday to ask for more clomid, and psyching myself up for an hsg, and trying to figure out when to schedule S’s semen analysis. Today I had a little bit of spotting, and while I know that could potentially maybe possibly be implantation spotting, I’m not getting invested. My temps have gone up another .2 degrees, so if I was obsessing, it could be the start of a triphasic pattern. I felt a little nauseous last night and I had a hell of a time sleeping. I was so hot and couldn’t get comfortable. I’ve felt a little cramping too. Somehow, this cycle, I have so far been able to be stay emotionally distant from my hopes and expectations. I’ve been using the natural progesterone cream after ovulation this cycle, and perhaps that’s the cause of the higher temps.

I’m feeling like my entire life is focused on trying to get pregnant. I’ve become a boring person, and I can’t even talk to anyone about this stuff, except S, who is sick and tired of ‘talking about babies’. Several weeks ago, I applied for a job that I really wanted and was extremely perfectly qualified for, and I got a disappointing email yesterday saying that I was “Not selected – pursuing other candidate”. It’s total bullshit. There is no way that I wasn’t qualified enough to at least get an interview. It was a job that I would have really liked too. I’ve been in this state for nearly two years now, and while I know I’ve been picky, and have only been applying to jobs I actually want, I’ve only gotten called for one interview out of dozens of jobs I’ve applied for. And that happened right before I was going out of state for our wedding and honeymoon, so that didn’t even work out. I’m angry. On one hand, I know that I am an excellent employee, hard working, conscientious, smart, capable, and all that, but on the other hand, I keep getting rejection after rejection, in both the job search front and the baby making front. I’m depressed. I’m exhausted. I feel useless. I feel like shit all around. Wow this is a cheery post.


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