Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | July 31, 2008

spilling the beans

Yesterday I talked to a friend for the first time since our wedding two and a half months ago, and I told her that we are starting ttc. I did not tell her about my pcos, or how I’m on my fifth unsuccessful cycle of clomid. But I did tell her that yes, we are going to ‘start trying’. As I mentioned a few posts back, I have not told anyone in real life that we are ttc, or about my fertility problems, so this was a big deal. This friend lives in a different town from my family, so I don’t have to worry about her telling people. She has a six month old baby, and she’s excited for us, but also said the dreaded “just relax and it will happen” phrase during our phone conversation. It was really nice to talk to her, and it felt odd but good to say out loud that we are trying to get pregnant.

Now, while I hadn’t told anyone about ttc and fertility stuff until I told my friend yesterday, S apparently took it upon himself to talk about my fucked up ovaries to one of his friends. I’m not sure when he told her, and I’m not sure why, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think that they know that I’m infertile, especially because they are pregnant with their second child now. I got very angry at S when it came up that he had told her, and he doesn’t understand why I’m so angry. To me, it’s a very personal, medical thing that should be MY choice to reveal to people or not. I believe I specifically told S NOT to tell people. On one hand, I kind of like that he’s talking to someone about it, because he surely doesn’t share his feelings with me, but I’m also embarrassed. He doesn’t get that it reflects on me, that being able to get pregnant is part of a woman’s identity, and how painful it is when your body doesn’t do what is normal and comes so easily to everyone else (including teenagers and crack addicts). He thinks it’s no big deal, that I shouldn’t feel ashamed of PCOS. And maybe I shouldn’t. But I do. One of the reasons I don’t want to tell people is because I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want people talking to me condescendingly, or feeling superior to me because they are fertile.

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