Posted by: birdsandsquirrels | July 15, 2008

another cycle begins

Well, actually it began on Friday. Now it’s Tuesday and AF is nearly gone and I’m mostly over the disappointment that bfn after bfn brought. 12 dpo happened to fall on S’s birthday, and I thought, wow what a great birthday gift, if I were to get a bfp that day. Of course I couldn’t wait that long. I tested at 9 dpo, 10dpo, then 11 (all negative) so by the time that 12 dpo rolled around I had given up and was in a terrible mood. Part of the reason I justified testing early was that we were leaving for a 10 day road trip on Friday (the day I was due to get my period), so I figured if I tested early and happened to get a positive, I could get a beta or two before we left and get them to finally prescribe some progesterone, since my lining was ridiculously thin. Of course that didn’t happen.

I also just found out that my uncle’s fiance is pregnant. The last thing I heard was that she had just had a miscarriage (from an “accident”) and that they’d be waiting to try again. Well, here she is a month later and pregnant, about two weeks past where I’d be if this last cycle worked. I am happy for them, but yet again it’s another fucking reminder that I can’t get pregnant. A rational person might say “hey, be extra happy for them since they just went through a m/c.” And I want to be. But I’m jealous. I’m sad that when we travel to their wedding, she’ll be pregnant and I won’t. I had it all figured out – if the cycle had worked, I’d be far enough along to tell all of my family in person, and be able to buy a cute maternity dress to wear. Now my fantasy of that is smashed to bits and I feel small and mean to be anything other than thrilled for them.

I haven’t told anyone in real life that we are trying to conceive. It seems like such a bad idea for us to do that, on so many levels. On one hand I’m so tired of keeping it all in, but on the other hand I am super sensitive, and I don’t want people pitying us or talking shit about us, making insensitive comments, or blaming me for my fucked up ovaries. I’ve wracked my brain trying to think, “who could I confide in that can keep something to themselves, has knowledge or at least the capacity for empathy for IF stuff, and who won’t say stupid shit like ‘just relax and you’ll get pregnant’.” So far no one fits the bill. I can’t tell anyone in my family without them telling everyone else. I can’t tell certain friends because they know my family and if they said something, there’d be no turning back and that’s too risky. I have a certain friend who is kind of an island, no ties to my other friends or family, but she’s super fertile and has made comments about other friends ttc that lead me to believe that she will only say things that will make me feel worse. Plus she just had a baby, got pregnant on the first month trying, and announced the pregnancy the day she got a positive pee stick.

I guess I’m going to have to use the blog and internet for support and venting.

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