We are still on our trip. It has been a nice adventure. I’ve held up in the car better than I expected. We have seen a lot of interesting things and been to some beautiful places, and we still have 3 days left.

One thing that has been fun is that we have bought a few things for baby Bird this trip. At one national park, we got an adorable stuffed animal goat. At another, we got a stuffed possum. It is cute and ugly and awesome all at the same time. Today, we were walking up a decent hill to get to one site, and I was going rather slow. It was partly because it was on slippery pine needles, partly because I can’t take very big steps (being so off balance and all), and partly because my lungs are awfully compressed and I get winded easily. S looked over at me and said “I wish I could hold the baby for you for a while so that walking would be easier.” Then he got a big smile on his face and said  “I guess that will happen soon enough though!”

We can see movement from the outside now. At first I think it kinda creeped S out. We were at a stop light and I said “ooh, look at my belly now” and sure enough there was a series of waves, ripples and thumps. It looks like there’s an alien in there. Now I think he is used to it. He’s touching my belly more lately, which is nice, because for a long time he didn’t seem too terribly interested in waiting to feel movements.

I feel like this trip has been a nice time for us to spend with each other before life changes dramatically, but there hasn’t been much talking about things. I’ve tried to get him to talk a bit about his childhood, his parents, and about parenting in general, but as usual, it’s like pulling teeth. He has never been good about talking about feelings, so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. Sometimes it kind of hurts my feelings that he is so closed up about things, but other times I can be rational and understand that he just doesn’t work that way. He is a person of action, not talking.

He has been very thoughtful and mindful of my comfort on this trip. Last night he told me that he had been kind of dreading this trip because he was afraid I would be miserable, but that I’ve been surprisingly easy to travel with still. I am glad that I am not an unpleasant travel companion.

I think the hardest part for me is lack of sleep. Last night I got up every 90 minutes to pee. I know that it is nature’s way of preparing you in advance for caring for a newborn, but I don’t like it. Every morning I get up feeling tired and resentful that I need to take the first shower because it takes me longer to get ready and pack up. But I do it, because S is doing all of the driving, and I take little cat naps here and there in the car.

 

Thank you guys for your supportive comments on my last post! I think I really needed to vent. As of now, we are still going with the name we like. The more I think about it, the more pissed I get. But, you know, it’s really not worth the energy. I’m trying to let it go and not care what anyone thinks about us using the same name. Somehow I will let the people close to us know the story behind it.

So on to a new topic. S and I are on a trip. Our last trip alone. We like to go on road trips and see new places, and that will definitely get more difficult with a little one. This trip that S planned is particularly ambitious. We will be driving a little under 3000 miles in 8 days and going to a number of different states/national parks/monuments/museums. I know what you must be thinking. At 32 weeks, my bladder has about the capacity of an apricot. As much as I love going places, I have been dreading that part. Today we drove just over 500 miles and we stopped for bathrooms at least 8 times. We saw several interesting places today though, and I napped here and there on the drive. I made sure to drink plenty of water and have lots of snacks with us. I feel pretty good today. We’ll see how I do on subsequent days in the car.

 

*edited to remove some harsh words*

A while ago, S and I decided that we were not going to be discussing names with people. We didn’t want lots of “helpful” input on the decision. It’s one of the few things that we actually have control over, since so many things were out of our control during the whole infertility process. Plus, if you share your name, you risk someone else stealing it. We all know of someone who took someone else’s favorite baby name. We figured that it would be tough, but we’d keep things to ourselves when we decided on a name.

Now, it has been tough, with close family members especially. The whole “we haven’t decided” response doesn’t go over well with parents and siblings. They want to know names you are considering. We eventually started telling people that it will be a surprise. Before we decided not to share with people, I mentioned to a very close aunt of mine just two of the names we both really like, knowing and trusting her not to tell anyone else. She is not a gossiper and has always been pretty supportive. She was one of the few people we shared our infertility journey with.

Now here comes the drama. My cousin (her son) and his girlfriend are expecting a surprise baby. She already has two kids from a previous relationship. She is 18 weeks pregnant now, and they just found out they are having a girl.

A few days ago, I get a text from the aunt asking how high up on our list is the certain name, because that’s what her son and the girlfriend like for their baby. Reluctantly (because we aren’t telling people), I wrote back saying that it’s way high up on the list and is S’s favorite. My cousin sends out an email to the entire family the next day announcing the pregnancy (they had kept is a secret until now from the rest of my family), and announcing that it’s a girl and that her name will be XXXXXX, which is THE NAME that my aunt knows is our favorite!

She’s only 18 weeks! She can’t call dibs on that name when I’m due months and months before her! Now by them announcing the name to the whole family, I am going to look like the asshole when we name our baby that. What the fuck do we do?

I don’t think that my aunt spilled our name. According to her, her son and gf liked the name and my aunt told them “oh you might want to wait, Birds and S are strongly considering that name.” This was weeks before they knew what they were having. The girlfriend (who has been kind of a bitch in the past already) said something to the effect of “well they better not use that name because that is what we are going to use if it’s a girl”. They KNEW it was  likely our choice for the baby’s name and they did this. That makes me want to still use the name. You CANT do that. You cannot call dibs on a name that you know someone else who is having their baby four months before you is likely choosing.

Now I’m almost wishing that we had shared our names early on so that everyone would know we were considering this name. But then you run the risk of someone stealing it blatantly anyway. And I’ll admit, I am a bit annoyed that they got pregnant with an accident and it took us a shit ton of time, energy and money to get here. We fought and fought for this baby, and we may not get to have another one, and why should we have to change to a backup name because they have “claimed” the name this early? I feel a bit betrayed by my cousin, who really has been like a brother to me in the past. What is he thinking?

Do I even care what our family thinks? Some might think that WE stole the name because we had been so quiet about names. No one knows about this passive aggressive move that my cousin and gf are pulling by “announcing” the baby’s name when she is barely 4 months along. They might well change their mind. Or maybe the ultrasound tech was mistaken and it really is a boy. Who knows what will happen in the next 5 months.

Is it even a big deal if we choose the same name? Honestly, we live across the country from each other and might see them once a year. Do S and I care if we look like assholes? Am I being ridiculous?

I passed the 3 hour test! Yay! Before my appointment, I got a call from my OB’s partner with the results. She gave me some shit about the MFM that I saw, basically a “see I told you what he would say about metformin” thing. I had to put on my assertive voice and say “Yes, but I also spoke with Dr. Z from that same office about it and she is more open minded about metformin and has had patients stay on it before, and she is leaving it up to me. She just wanted to make sure I was aware of the potential risks, and I completely understand that. So, I will be staying on metformin.”

My fasting level was 78, 1 hour was 140, 2 hour was 130, and 3 hour was 78 again.

She said my results were well below the cutoff for GD, but that since I took the test while on metformin, I will have to stay on metformin. Um yeah, that’s what I just told you, lady! She asked if I had a home glucose meter and I said no, but I’d be happy to start checking it if they would give me a prescription for one. She suggested that in a month that they will have me eat two hours before my next appointment and that in the office they will check my blood sugar.

My actual appointment later today went well. I lost 3 pounds since my last appointment two weeks ago, which is good because my weight was frighteningly up at that appointment. I’m blaming it on water retention and the change in weather requiring a shift from light summer skirts to heavy jeans. So at almost 32 weeks I have gained about 22-23 pounds. I had hoped to keep it to 25 pounds for the entire pregnancy, but with 8 weeks to go, I doubt that is going to happen. Oh well. It could be a lot worse.

My regular OB spent a long time talking with me, which was nice. We talked about the metformin and my choice to stay on it. She thinks any benefit from the metformin has passed, but will let me stay on it if I want. I’m measuring a week and a half ahead. Baby’s heartbeat was 150. My blood pressure was fine. We discussed pain control options during delivery. She answered all of my questions and didn’t make me feel rushed. Overall it was a good appointment. I am relieved that I don’t have gestational diabetes. I am relieved that I feel okay about my doctor again. Now I can find something else to obsess about.

I was very upset after my appointment with Dr. Asshole. After some tears of frustration and self pity, and a good long nap, I collected myself and wrote an email to the very nice and very helpful genetic counselor from the same office. I explained my frustration with the doctor, that I had done a lot of reading on my own about the safety of metformin, and asked if she had any ideas for me. It was a good move, because the next day I got a message from another MFM specialist at the office. The genetic counselor had spoken to her about me.

It took a few days to catch her on the phone, but we talked and while she was not completely  thrilled about me staying on metformin, she was more open minded than the other guy. She said she has had patients stay on it with no problems, but that they still prefer to use insulin and glyburide to manage GD because the effects of metformin on the fetus are still unknown. She said she would leave it up to me, and I said I would like to stay on it. It was a relief to find a doctor who was ok with it. I just hope that I don’t develop any sort of complications and end up having to see Dr. Asshole again. I hate that man and I don’t ever want to see him again.

I took the three hour glucose tolerance test yesterday, on metformin. It was rather unpleasant on a number of levels. First – the hunger. I often get up and eat something in the middle of the night now anyway. Making a pregnant woman fast for that long is just cruel. I seriously contemplated eating my lip balm at one point. Second – the needle pokes. Now, these were not as bad as I anticipated. I went to a nice lab, and lady who took my blood four times was great. I was worried about how it would work to take blood from each arm twice, but she found a vein all 4 times with no digging and no massive bruising. It didn’t even hurt that much.

The most unpleasant aspect was how the massive dose of sugar made me feel. I had the lemon lime flavor and I chugged it down with no problem. About thirty minutes in, I started feeling awful. Heart pounding, shaky, dizzy, nauseous, and a good headache. The waiting room was filled with old ladies waiting for mammograms. I had brought all kinds of amusements for the three hours – some knitting stuff to work on, several books and magazines, but I couldn’t do anything. I asked if I could lay down in the recovery room that the lab tech had told me was available if I needed it. I laid down and put my sweater over my head and closed my eyes until the next blood draw. And the next. And the last. “Don’t throw up , don’t throw up, don’t throw up,” I kept saying to myself. Somehow I got through it. S picked me up and we went to lunch.

I was supposed to see my OB today and was hoping she would have the test results, but they canceled my appointment because she had a delivery to attend. I will find out tomorrow. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for good results.

Two words: fucking asshole.

Yeah, the maternal fetal medicine appointment did not go well. Wait, I should clarify – the ultrasound went great. Baby looks great, no evidence of what we were worried about, she is growing well, moving well, and measuring a week ahead, but not gigantic or anything. It was the doctor himself who was an asshole.

I met with the genetic counselor first, and she was great. After discussing family histories, I mentioned the metformin thing, and she said oh yeah, the doctors are metformin friendly. She is a type 1 diabetic and she totally understood how being off metformin could cause me to fail the test.

But then I meet the doctor. He does not “believe” in metformin. He said I absolutely should have gone off of it at 12 weeks, that there was absolutely no reason for me to be on it still. He refused to even look at the 20 different journal articles I brought in, saying that “all kinds of stuff gets written up in journal articles”. He thinks PCOS is not “real” and that there is no connection between PCOS and IR and no need for metformin. He told me that my good HbA1C result is “meaningless”.

He said that he could not condone my use of metformin as a “lifestyle drug”, after I explained that it has helped tremendously with my PCOS symptoms and fertility. He said that I did not need metformin. Period. That I should not go back on it after the pregnancy is over. Oh and don’t even get me started about the baby aspirin. He thought I was insane for taking something “without empirical evidence that it was needed for a clotting disorder”.  Hi asshole, I’m not losing another pregnancy or two to wait for the testing that could show it might help. The cycle I took baby aspirin is the cycle I got and stayed pregnant. My RE said it couldn’t hurt, and it may have made the difference.

I tried to argue my points. I thought that I made very valid arguments, but he is SO FUCKING biased against metformin that he was completely unreasonable. At a certain point, I just shut down completely so that I wouldn’t start crying.

He wants me to go off the met completely, then a week later do the 3 hour glucose tolerance test. If that test shows that I am diabetic, he wants me to go on insulin or glyburide (which by the way does not seem to be any less ‘unsafe’ than metformin, as it crosses the placenta and additionally has a risk of hypoglycemia and higher weight gain).

I don’t know what to do. It’s not like I can shop around for another high risk specialist. I had to get a referral to see this motherfucker, and now he is going to tell my OB that I shouldn’t be on metformin. I have enough metformin to get me through the pregnancy, but I don’t really want to have to do it against doctor’s advice. I am so incredibly sad and frustrated. This guy was a closed minded bully. I don’t think I could find another OB at this point, if my OB will only go with what this jerk says. Do I keep taking met and pass the 3 hour test and stay on it on my own? Do I go off it and develop gestational diabetes because that’s what THE DOCTOR says to do?

I’m gonna go cry and take a nap.

So, Friday at my OB appointment, I got the regular seasonal flu shot. They won’t have the H1N1 shot for a few more weeks. I’ve never ever gotten a flu shot before. I typically don’t get sick very often. I think my immune system got pretty hearty after working for several years with pre-kindergarteners. But because I’m pregnant and all, and because I really don’t want to end up dead or anything, I decided to get the flu shots this year.

I’m beginning to regret it. I’ve felt like shit for the past three days. Three full days of headaches (Sunday was particularly bad), sneezing, runny nose, aches, some nausea, and just generally feeling like I’ve been beaten up with a bat.  Have any of you had these side effects from the flu shot?

This can’t be normal. If everyone felt this crappy after a flu shot, nobody would get one. Granted, it’s not quite as bad as getting the full blown flu, but it has been bad enough that I don’t think I’ll get one in subsequent years when I’m not pregnant. And, I’m going to be very careful to try to get the H1N1 shot at a time when my husband will be home to take care of me, and make sure that I don’t have anything to do for 4 days or so.

Oh, the other lovely thing is that I rolled over in the middle of the night Friday night and I felt (and heard) a crack in the front of my pelvis. I think I have symphysis pubis dysfunction. It surprisingly wasn’t immediately painful, but now it hurts when going up and down stairs, when walking and trying to take normal stride lengths, and in a number of different positions and situations. I went to the grocery store today and had to waddle around slowly, putting a lot of my weight on the cart. Stepping out of the shower one leg at a time reduced me to tears. Luckily, I’m already seeing a physical therapist for sacroiliac pain, and I have an appointment with her on Wednesday. Hopefully she can help me with this new pelvic pain in the front. Does anyone have some tips about how to deal with this? Are there any stretches I can do? I wish I knew of a good chiropractor around here.

I feel awful whining and complaining about these aches and pains, because I am so lucky to find myself pregnant at all. I was telling baby Bird this morning, as I was limping down the hallway in pain, that I don’t care how much it hurts – it is worth it to have her growing and developing in my uterus. I wouldn’t have it any other way. However, I am starting to have some sympathy for women who say that they were miserable during pregnancy. As much as I would love to have a second child down the road (if we are so lucky), there is a part of me that thinks wow, it will probably be even more uncomfortable in a few years when I’m older and have toddler Bird to chase around. Maybe just one wouldn’t be so bad?

I have my appointment with the MFM specialist tomorrow. I have printed out my metformin journal articles and I have a giant list of questions. I hope things go well.

I failed my one hour glucose screening test last week. Badly. They like to see the 1 hour glucose levels under 120-140, and mine was 183. My OB had instructed me not to take my metformin that morning, so I’m not surprised that I failed. It was like setting me up to fail. Of course my body is not going to handle that much sugar well without my usual dose of metformin that I have been on for at least 5 years. Without metformin, my body doesn’t use insulin efficiently. Duh!

Before doing the test, I had called the office and argued with several nurses about checking my HbA1C level at the same time. Thank goodness I did that, because it came back beautifully, at 5.5%, which indicates that with the metformin, my blood sugar has indeed been well controlled over the past 2-3 months. However, because I still technically failed the one hour test, they want me to go for the 3 hour glucose tolerance test. Lovely.

At my 30 week appointment on Friday, I had to put on my assertive pants and have the nerve to ask questions about the reasoning behind it. I saw my OB’s partner, because my OB was out of the office again Friday. The partner is not so nice. I had an issue with her two weeks ago, when I brought up a concern to her. I haven’t decided if I am going to blog about it, because it could be a big thing or a little thing for baby Bird, and I guess I need to figure out where to draw the line as far as protecting her privacy goes. But, I can say that it was something that I really wanted checked out by a specialist, and the bitch doctor refused until I made a gigantic stink about it later the next week.

I ended up getting a referral for an ultrasound with the maternal fetal medicine specialists at the hospital, and have an appointment for next week. I was dreading this appointment with the OB on Friday. I hate being confrontational and defensive, but I knew I needed to stand up for myself.

When we were discussing the results of the one hour test, I asked the doctor how many patients she had that have PCOS, struggled with infertility and stayed on metformin throughout their pregnancy, and how did she handle their gestational diabetes screening. She told me that she has only had two patients stay on it, and they both ended up seeing the maternal fetal medicine specialist for unrelated things, and the MFM had them go off it because it could “mask” GD. I asked her to clarify for me the difference between metformin “masking” GD and metformin preventing the development of it. She had no answer for me.

I explained that I understood that it is not standard procedure yet to keep PCOS women on met throughout the entire pregnancy, that I had read the journal articles and discussed it with my RE, that I was aware of the fact that many studies show that it appears to be quite safe and helps prevent gestational diabetes and other complications, but that more studies are needed before recommending that all women stay on it, and that I am comfortable taking that calculated risk. She shrugged and said that she defers to the MFM specialists, and that they will probably tell me to go off the metformin. I guess it’s good to know that I’ll have a bit of a battle on my hands ahead of the appointment, so that I can go in armed with lots of information and copies of journal articles.

I don’t get it. If it’s safe to stay on until 12 weeks to prevent miscarriage, why is it so bad for the rest of pregnancy? The traditional treatment of GD is insulin. My body already makes too much insulin! That excess insulin makes my body overproduce testosterone, which fucked up my ovaries, and I’m sure would not be good for my developing daughter. Metformin helps reduce the insulin my body produces by using smaller amounts of it more effectively. I really hope that the specialist I see is flexible and open minded. If not, I have enough metformin to carry me through the pregnancy if need be.

Some people take what their doctors say as gospel and would not think of questioning them. Clearly I am not one of those people. Doctors are not perfect. They are not gods. Doctors make mistakes. Doctors cannot always be on top of every new study that comes out about every condition. I wish I could have that naive trust in doctors, but if I did, I would not be pregnant right now. I have had to push and push for things, time and time again, with my medical care, and also with family members. It is exhausting.

I really hope that the appointment on Tuesday brings some reassurance and the okay to stay on metformin.

We caved and went and did an elective 3D ultrasound last week. The in laws came with us, and I think they really enjoyed it. We got to see the baby moving all around, confirmed that it’s a girl, and that we have a stubborn little one who doesn’t like getting her picture taken. She had her face smashed up against the placenta and the ultrasound tech had me do all kinds of things to get her to change position. Then her hands were in front of her face. Then her feet. Then the umbilical cord. I really didn’t care. For me, it wasn’t about getting a good picture of her face – it was about seeing that yes there is a baby in there, moving around, and looking generally okay.

It had been almost two months since the anatomy scan, and wow, she looks different! Plump, juicy limbs instead of being skeletal and alien looking. I think that S was more excited about this ultrasound because she looks like a human now. The one uncomfortable thing was feeling exposed in front of the in laws. For some reason, the ultrasound tech didn’t dim the lights that much. I don’t normally bare my stomach in front of the in laws, and I figured that they would have the decency not to stare at my stark white belly with its new decorative stretch marks, but no. The MIL actually made a comment about how huge I am and how pale my skin is and teasing me about not wearing bikinis. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

FIL started taking pictures of me on the table with my maternity pants pulled down quite lower than I anticipated. It was rather uncomfortable. They didn’t say a whole lot during the ultrasound, except for my FIL asking all kinds of technical questions, but afterwards we met some additional family members for dinner and they kept talking and talking about how neat it was, how we got to see what the baby looks like, and on and on.

For me, it was reassurance that I really needed, but for them, I think it was a bonding thing. It made it seem more real. They had seen printouts from previous ultrasounds, but there is something special about seeing it in real time and having various parts pointed out to you. That day was the first time they met their granddaughter. They saw her yawn and stretch her arms and open and close her hands.

And here she is:

I’m finally back home. Well, I got back several days ago, but I have been completely exhausted and overwhelmed. The first week of my trip was fun and all about baby stuff – prenatal massage at the amazing spa my sister works at, baby shopping with my mom and sister, and the baby shower.

It was mostly great, but a bit much at times, since only a few people know about our infertility struggles. I got bombarded with questions about when we are going to have another one. Seriously? I haven’t even safely delivered this baby yet. It took us a year of fertility treatments, close to ten thousand dollars out of pocket, a miscarriage, and a miracle hail mary cycle. While I would love to have two kids, I have no idea if we will even have the strength to go through the treatments again. I found that I needed to retreat to a quiet, alone space a few times, so I could decompress and breathe.

The second week was very different. I extended my trip to help someone close to me through a very difficult time. It was a week filled with tears, regrets, pain, and trying to find a way to laugh in spite of the shit that life sometimes throws at you at the worst possible times. It’s so hard to see someone you love go through awful things. I wish I could take their pain away, but I can’t. All I could do was stick around for that extra week, listen, provide moral support, make runs to Starbucks for caffeine for everyone else, and try to do little thoughtful things. I didn’t actually DO anything to help the problem, but my presence was appreciated, and it was the least I could do.

I’m 28 weeks and 4 days pregnant today. Apparently I have slid into the third trimester now. Crazy. There are 80 days to go until the due date. For a long time I was waiting and waiting to drop below 100 days. It seemed to take forever. Now I’m a little freaked out about how quickly time is going by! There is still so much to do.